What to do before things get bad...

My mom did give me copies along with a key for the box that had her originals and made me sit down with her anytime she made changes or updates to review it with her.

She also made an entire list and updated it every year while doing her end of year close outs so it became her routine. It included her mortgage info - he financial advisor name and number - her annuity contacts and acct numbers - her time share information - the attorney names and number who drew up her documents - along with any other little information of bills/debt etc. So at the end of every year she would give me a new sheet to put in my envelope with my copies.
What I have learned here is to make sure you have your banking institutions POA done up (as many have their own and we did not know this) - as that did delay me and took more time while running back and forth from ICU and several trips just to get that straight to be able to pay her bills (including her health insurance which you want to make sure gets paid first)!
She always was open and told me where to find stuff on her computer but always made sure I had a yearly updated copy and I cannot tell you how much help that was in the midst of a crisis.
I understand some are not that close to their children or do not trust them etc but it’s important to have one person that you can trust and as hard as it may be for some to think they are giving over their personal information and giving up privacy - it really does benefit all parties involved (you and whomever your choosing to trust) to be able to make the best decisions for you as well as protect you and them from the high stress that a major illness does bring.

I have followed Moms lead in making a few trusted people aware and having things written down all on one sheet to bring some relief to anyone places in this situation.

Wolflover451, it has been my recent experience that banks and investment entities will make you go through their own PoA process. I had original documents, not photocopies, and that was still not acceptable. PoAs should call banks in advance and ask what they require. One bank required me to bring in my 2 elderly aunts, ages 99 and 102, so they could see they were still alive and they needed to bring in state IDs and a second form of ID (credit or debit cards). This was PNC Bank in south FL. Bank of America made me bring in their 2 forms of ID but they still did their own paperwork and notary. TDAmeriTrade also didn't accept my original paperwork.

JoAnn29: This is a good reminder. All of our information is with our financial advisor and in one of our fireproof safes as back up.

My parents gave me copies of their POAs and wills, with their approval. Perhaps people need to educate themselves on what a POA enables you to do and not do. It does not give anyone the power to "put you in a home" without your cooperation. Any reputable senior facility will make sure the prospective resident is included in discussions and capable of making decisions and signing documents.

Also, scan all the documents and keep digital files so you can email them when requested.

I have made up a document for my brother that lists all of my accounts and contact information for each. A separate password document has all my passwords so he can access my digital accounts.

you only need one original of the POA, you can make copies and supply them to places like the bank, life insurance companies. and yes whomever is appointed as POA should have one of the original copies. the lawyer can provide that. All I can offer is that let your parents know (and hope they understand)..that IF you can't find the POA's , etc.......some strange person will come in and handle stuff so if they don't want that to happen, they need to let you know where things are. In fact.........IF they are having dementia issues....take the bank books out of the house before they get moved around from day to day, because it will happen. wishing you luck

Even if there is no POA, the State won't step in unless the person doesn't have a relative willing to do it.

Patti2021,

Well, you won't be left entirely flying blind. You're legally married to your husband so are his next of kin. You will be able to make decisions for him when he no longer can. It will be a lot harder for you because he won't allow anything official like POA which will make both of your lives a lot easier.

How right you are, JoAnn29. I nearly had a nervous breakdown when I had to take over my father's affairs when he had a stroke.
I too went with him to the lawyer's office when he did his POA, however I wasn't allowed to have a copy of it at the time. I also have no idea if he did a Will either.
What my father did give me was a Xerox copy of the POA that he ran off on a copy machine that no bank, credit card, insurance company or any other institution accepts and a hand-written list of phone numbers to call should he die that were out of service.
The secretiveness of the elderly... smh... My father didn't even have dementia.
They don't care what kind of a mess they leave their adult children in that we have to take responsibility for. So long as their vanity and the image of "independence" is supported at all times.
That's one good thing my mother actually did. I've seen all of her papers and they are kept in a folder and there won't be any surprises.
It's terrible to find yourself flying blind in this kind of mess. I know because my father left me in ding exactly that. Flying blind in a mess.

Touche'. The idea of POAs is to make plans for latter years when the odds are 3:4 that you will have dementia and need help. This planning should be transparent with all family members so everybody can help when the time comes.

In my case, my mom has made it very clear who takes care of what. I hold the medical POA for my mom since I live closest to her. One sister hold the financial POA and has copies of her bills and financial institution info, In addition, mom has almost all of her bills on autopay. Lastly, my other sister, is the executor of mom's will. Mom has all her financial info in the front of her filing cabinet. She also has an "emergency notebook" with info about doctors, insurance, medical/surgical history and current medications. She keeps this on a shelf in her bathroom with a note on the door to EMS to check that shelf.

I am also really concerned about this. My husband has deliberately kept me from his diagnosis by withdrawing my HIPAA consent.
He has yelled at me that his medical stuff is private and he wants to just enjoy life, not ever talk about "it"...( Dementia).
He will probably blow a gasket if I go ahead to draw up Durable POA.
What do I do about his complex business dealings, our finances and making any plans for the future if he denies there is any problem and the doctors will not be able to tell me anything!
Right now we are in a normal feeling lull but it may not last long I'm afraid.
Should I go behind his back to prepare for a DPOA? I'm just at a loss. He still says things like in 7 or 8 years we will go here or there...
Living in limbo.....

I never had this problem with my parents. My mom was a perfectionist! She always had everything in perfect order and informed me where everything was.

It is very sad when parents don’t inform their children of the location of necessary documents that are needed to proceed in moving forward.

I strongly recommend each party involved in the PoA are given an original, signed/notarized version. My husband and his brother are PoA for their mom and all 3 of them have original, signed/notarized copies. I'm surprised at any attorney who doesn't offer this. If creating your own at Legalzoom or Rocketlawyer, make sure to create original documents for each person.

Good thinking regarding cloud storage, however the cloud is not very secure. We use 1Password to store documents and information, which is highly encrypted, and can be shared with family (and does require a password for access but there is a recovery process). There are other brands of apps that do the same. The downside of digital is that it needs to have the updated version of any document added to it, but so do hard copies. Also, I use a fire-proof file cabinet at my LO's home for hard copies: this helped her feel in control of the info but it was locked to keep out unauthorized people (and prevent her from misplacing paperwork). I scan everything and store it in 1PW. In the end, some system is better than no system. Just make sure sensitive info is secured if there will be aids, social services, service people, etc. coming in and out of your LO's home.

I've dealt with Wells Fargo, PNC and Old National and not one of them accepted any original, signed/notarized version of my LO's PoA paperwork. Banks want to eyeball everyone to prevent fraud, and probably for "CYA".

Don't forget about PASSWORDS!

Daughter,

Its like they don't think they will ever die or admit they will. Maybe your friend should tell them if they have nothing in place, then the State will take over. Because of HIPPA it hard for family to get involved if Mom or Dad is out of it.

I never had a problem with my POA and the bank. But then, the bank was local and so was the lawyer. Small town.

Thank u 😊

I've put copies of all my documents - wills, trusts, POA, medical POA and directives, etc, etc. - on a shared computer folder in the cloud so that my children can get to it even if they aren't nearby. I found this to be invaluable for my father's information as I'm the POA and medical POA and I've needed it where I wouldn't normally have carried it with me. I once went directly from the grocery store to the hospital to meet my dad there. They wanted copies of all his directives and medical POA and I was able to send them copies by email on the spot. I also have a giant plastic tub with all the info and all sorts of other info in the closet with a label 'Wills, Trusts, etc and anything I thought was important". Hopefully if someone is looking for stuff it will be easy to find.

When my dad moved to assisted living and I sold his house I needed a copy of his trust. I had a copy of his amendment to the trust but not the original trust. The lawyer who had set it up had since retired and they had to find boxes in the old archives to find a copy. It was a mess but had a good ending because they were able to find it. Can't even imagine what would have happened if it was actually lost. That was when I started getting everything together and letting my kids know where every everything was and how to access it. Just having it in the house doesn't help if the person needing it isn't at the house.

Well said. I spoke to a friend yesterday about her parents, dad is in cancer treatment and not doing well, mom is losing weight at a rapid clip but won’t see a doctor. And they have no will, no POA’s, no plans of any kind, and say they don’t want to talk about it. So frustrating! I’ll be forever grateful my dad laid everything out, left me many notes, and saved me a nightmare

Good advice on the banks. I spent an entire vacation day sitting in the office of a BOA manager to get them to accept my POA on my father.

Bravo!

Not only is it important to let people know where all this stuff is, DO NOT put it in a safe deposit box. No one can access the box without the paperwork inside that box, so it's pointless to put it in there.

Not only is it important to do these things before the crisis, deal with all this paperwork LONG before you expect the crisis. My husband and I are only 60 and in perfectly fine health, but two years ago we created the trust, wills, advance medical directives, and durable powers of attorney. Our 25-year-old son already has all those documents in hand and knows exactly what to do with them.

We did all this because my folks didn't set up any of those things until they were 85 years old, because my dad didn't trust lawyers (having NEVER used one) and I think he thought the job would be overwhelming. He was pleasantly surprised to find out that the attorney did the bulk of the work.

We really dodged a bullet, too, because my mother went in the hospital the day of the first appointment with the attorney, and that began her journey with dementia. My dad died after a six-week illness just three years later, and fortunately, when Dad got sick, that attorney of theirs advised them to resign from their trust immediately to allow me to take over their affairs without any hiccups. Thank goodness they did while Dad was still able to give me all the information I needed. Now Mom is dying, and I'm able to access all the money I need to deal with her final arrangements. (No, they never set that up in advance, but it's OK.)

I would also advise that when one is setting up all these documents and telling the family where they are, that they also go to their financial institutions and fill out their power of attorney paperwork. Banks don't like your POA, no matter how airtight it is. They want to use theirs only, so if you have a bank or investment accounts, do their paperwork now rather than later. It goes much more smoothly if you, the grantor of that power of attorney, is standing there in front of them willingly giving it.

JoAnn, very good advice.