I posted this once but it did no take so here goes again. I post this realizing many of you are exactly in the same boat but here goes again. This is my situation:

1) Mom is unable to care for herself and has worsening dementia
2) Mom does not want to go care facility and you can't force her
3) we are not suppose to be around our elder parents so we can protect them from Covid(but please refer to item 1)
4) I have two brothers that live close to mom but I think one is bearing the load for caregiving and he is getting burned out. Both brothers work full time.
5) I am retired but drive to moms is 2 hours each way. ( I take mom to many of her doctor appointments and pay for a meal delivery service to her house)
6) we only have one car and my husband is major caregiver for his developmentally disabled brother who requires LOTS of help.
7) my husband has sister in Arizona so not much with brother help due to sisters distance.
8) brother finds mom on floor but ERs are at max capacity with long waits and Mom has never been a patient wait.
9) If mom requires hospilization from fall will they even find a room for her.
10) Even if she agrees to long term care that's maybe not so safe due to covid.

I could add many more items to this list that highlight why this is beyond frustrating and hopeless and most of you would be able to read them and agree and understand.

But I don't understand how we can go on like this with these impossible situations with no solutions.
What and when will the government be able to help and what rights do we and our family members have.

in the meantime the government is being sure not to trample the rights of the rioters, protesters, anti-maskers and persons ignoring requests not to gather because they are Americans and they cannot be told what to do, even if their refusal to follow suggestions is leaving many of us with impossible or no options.

I try not to get into politics so sorry for the rambling.

Thanks to all that post here because you really feel you are not alone or that you are irrational. I was seeking a dementia suppport group but covid did in our support group meetings.

This discussion has been closed for comment. Start a New Discussion.
Find Care & Housing
Used up.
YIKES, they sent you home? Bacterial pneumonia can be deadly. I hope that you have the O2 sat you can get over the counter at pharmacy. Measure to keep over 90%. Encourage her to move around, take deep breathes despite being more than likely bedbound. I guess she is on only by mouth antibiotics which are nowhere near as strong as IV. I think we are already seeing triage in care, and this is an example. I am so sorry you are going through this at home.


I think you made the best decision that you could in these circumstances.

I applaud you for hiring help. Spend her money for the necessary care. The alternative is far worse.

Hopefully, the nursing homes will be accepting new patients in the future and you be able to arrange for her care.

She absolutely needs extensive care, much more than you can provide and it is an extreme sacrifice doing so in your home.

Sadly at this time, you don’t have any other choice due to the nursing facilities not allowing any new placements at this time.

Best wishes to you and your family.

Well the hospital could not find a reason why she could not walk or stand. They did find she had bacterial pneumonia. The kept her for three days but the did not have a room for her so they kept her in the recovery area. We tried to convince the doctors not to release her to home but her caseworker said that none of the skilled nursing facilities in her area were accepting new patients due to COVID-19 outbreaks in their facilities.

They sent her home and I tried to take care of her at her house but it just didn’t work. My brother helped with some things but I was the only one to change her and clean her up. Was very difficult. I did okay for a little but not for long. My husband could not help because he takes care of his disabled brother. I needed fire department help twice to pick her up when I could not hold her up .

we now have hired 24 hour home care and my husband and I purchased a hospital bed (changing and cleaning her in her queen bed was not going to work.)

Good to finally have help with this. We wanted to do as much as we could ourselves but it gets to the point where you can’t. It’s not cheap but it’s her money and it should be used for her care.

Do not allow your mom to return home. If she isn’t walking she will need rehab, if her doctor determines that she is up for it.

Hopefully she will be able to do rehab at a nursing facility that she can then move into.

It seems like your mom needs more care than you can provide for at home.

Best wishes to you and your family.

Your mother has greatly declined with her dementia, it sounds like, as swallow problems come when the disease has greatly advanced. She will not be released from the hospital to live alone, chances are, and will likely be sent to rehab or a social worker will get involved to have her placed in a Skilled Nursing Facility. You can apply for Medicaid if necessary, or arrangements can be made to sell her home to finance her ongoing long term care. Her choices will no longer be taken into consideration at this point, as she's declined too dramatically to live alone.

Measures are being taken in all hospitals & all long term care facilities to avoid the virus, but at this point, your mother is much safer in a Skilled Nursing Facility than she is living alone at home.

Wishing you the best of luck with a difficult situation

Update to this story, decided to go to moms today and hopefully give brother a break. Got to moms and overnight she has lost ability to walk or stand. I tried to get her something to eat but she does not seem to know how to swallow. Called 911, vitals are pretty good but she very confused. Stroke test seem okay so don’t think stroke. She in ER now and they are running tests. Will keep her overnight and run tests but we’re not allowed to be with her. Waiting at my brother’s for word from hospital.

Usedup ,

Sounds as though in home caregiver would be the best option, however it's very expensive.

If you or one of your brothers is POA, you absolutely can force(gently guide) her into ALF! There are things that need to be in place first.

Do you have an actual diagnosis?
If not, seek a Geriatrician or Neurologist. PCP's often err on the side of caution and down play the diagnosis. If she has severe dementia or Alzheimer's, she's already mentally disabled.

My Aunt lives 1, 200 miles away from me. She can't drive and forgets everything (like turning off the stove). I knew she would never want to leave her home, but it was impossible for her to live alone and she couldn't afford a private caregiver. She needed the money from her home to live on.
I learned about "therapeutic fibbing ".
I told my Aunt that her house needed repairs and she needed to stay somewhere else during that time. I took her to look at the place I thought was best for her. I had toured many places. She liked it too. Of course I knew that it was permanent. She's been there for 14 months, but thinks it's only been a couple weeks.

Moms safety should be first and foremost! It may be against her wishes, but her wishes may not be logical or safe!

Hopefully our elderly LOs will get their Covid vaccine soon!

Best wishes!!

If mom refuses to move to assisted living then hire caregivers to take care of her. I used Concierage Care. Start with part time and tell mom they are hired for housekeeping. She will get used to having someone around and probably love it.
Do as much as you can online like delivery meds and you already are doing food delivery.
My mom lives in an independent senior apartment in a senior multi level care community. She has a visiting physician PRP that comes to her apartment once a month. What a lifesaver this is! Services like basic xray, ultrasound, ekg and lab draws are done in her apartment.

I seldom read the responses of others. I don't take enough time. Too busy talking. I seldom look up the profiles either. I need some New Year's Resolutions. Is it too late? But I have to tell you, cwillie, that you just gave me at least my FIRST laugh of the New Year.

Usedup, don't forget that we have many levels of government involved, with locals and state governments taking different positions from that which exists at the federal level. 

Please don't feel alone in being frustrated by the governments.    I've never seen anything like this, and hope I never do again.

You are correct. You can't go on like this.
Mom doesn't want to go in care, but that is not currently her choice or even A choice because ALL PLATES are full.
Is there a good answer to protect her from Covid? No. Not really. We are in a pandemic. All are doing the best they can. Not everything can be fixed and not everyone will be getting out of this alive. You are correct that hospital beds are few and far between, but yes, if your mother breaks a hip she will get care, almost certain, at least as things stand now. January is going to be a mess, so stay tuned. Anything could change.
Not everything can be fixed. This is a bad situation, but as I said, there is no more room on your plates. You Mom, at least for now will need to go into care if she cannot be on her own. As you can see, all are trying, and this isn't working.
Again. Not everything can be fixed. We are in a pandemic. We can only now do the best we can. Day by day. Our choices will be hard. They are worth raging over. They are worth grieving and crying over. But that will not CHANGE anything.

What’s the question?

I have to say that for someone trying to stay out of politics you are not doing a very good job 🤣

Is there supposed to be a question in there or are you just venting?

This discussion has been closed for comment. Start a New Discussion.
Start a Discussion
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter