What if the ole gray mare ain’t what she used to be? That would be me, the caregiver to an octogenarian parent.

Good! Venting is cathartic isn't it?

Can you put her in a facility? 1962 you've served your time. Dang even murderers serve less time.

We read a lot of posts on here from "scapegoats" like yourself wearing themselves out for mean, selfish parents. It breaks my heart. Sometimes the posts seem to be describing the same woman, basically.

I would have to say your brothers were wise to escape. Would you consider working with a therapist? Why should this mean lady who could live on for YEARS continue to suck the life out from you? She could even survive you.

I feel mad for you for this horrible situation you are in.

I too am scapegoat. I never had a chance that parents would see me any other way than as a source to get them what they need. They are in their 80's and their demands increase. Friends say I am lucky to still have both parents. No, trapped is more like it. I never talk to anyone about it because they would not understand unless they lived it. Parents could keep trucking along for years riding rough-shot oblivious that they sucked my lifeforce out of me and I'm on the floor. (Maybe that's a bit dramatic). Anyway, I get it. Boundaries have saved my life. This forum has helped greatly. It is a challenge to do what you believe is the right thing, but also keep your sanity. You aren't alone.

I was scapegoat too - and still am to siblings. If parents say something that they think doesn't make sense, then I am 'the one putting it in their brains.' My parents have actually started saying thank you to me about things, but that doesn't help much when you are worn out and treated like an employee. I don't have the money for nursing home, but would tell anyone who does, to get thee to the Director's office and see how to get them in. I had to implement boundaries in a family which never had any, and boy - talk about getting a civil war started! I don't care - I am not backing down. If I know it's right, it doesn't matter if no one else in the family does. I put my foot down the other night when one parent wanted me to go to grocery store at ten pm. Nope, nope and nope!

Hug.

Big hugs to everybody in the Scapegoat Club! The Narc mother still directing her flying monkeys, the siblings, from the grave. For so many people with such high IQs, they are all idiots for participating in such behaviors. But we targets know scapegoating people are groomed, their personalities formed, by the narcs in our midst. My own sister, who went away to school, traveled the world, had the nerve to try to get me to promise to care for my Narc mother in her old age! Talk about slick. I said nope, you are not my mother. And I didn’t. My half-brother was in charge, I moved away, cut ties years ago. He refused to take her in when stepfather passed, put her in assisted living. She lasted only 3 months there, many falls, tripping over her oxygen tubing, with her walker. She was nasty to the last day. But the flying monkeys/golden children, hold on to their status in the pecking order. Despite me removing myself from their target. They groomed their children to abuse me as well. Two of my sons adopted the same behavior. Nobody is safe from narcs and flying monkeys.
I know this doesn’t help you. I have no practical suggestions to help you. I understand your pain.

I took care of my mom on various levels for 17 years...the last 2 she was bedridden in my home. I had a good with my mom for the most part, but it is the same burnout and doing things over and over and feeling life is never going to happen. The worst part is "friends" who did less caregiving and being out of that stage after a short stint and then hammering in their great new life, home, etc, while I plod on. My mom finally found peace from her difficult and long decline but then SIL died, leaving my husband and I to be the only caregivers for his 88 yr. old mom. In some ways it was like being released from prison for a short time...and then being called back with an idefinite sentence. Meanwhile the hammering and bragging continues from the friend from a friendship started 47 years ago. I limit my contact with her. You can come her and vent to feel better. {{hugs}} to you and all caregivers who are doing the best they can for what they feel is right and sometimes feeling like they are punished for being good.....

You don't say if Mom has health problems or ALZ/Dementia? If she can do, make her do. If its not an emergency, then do it in your time.

I was the good, goodie two shoe daughter. The daughter who stayed in the same town. The one there for every operation, every ER stay. I surprised myself when Mom had to stop driving. I was working one week on, one week off. I refused to spend my week off running so I told her one day a week I would take her shopping and run errands. She was still involved with Church and got rides to things from friends. In between, I would pick up prescriptions for her and pick up other things when I was going out.

I Told my dad that I can't remember every request (true) and then I have obligations caring for the dogs and myself so we have a list and I tell him to prioritize the list. We agree that health comes 1st, Caring for the dogs 2nd And then Request by priority and schedule. We also keep a calendar on the counter. We also have a joke where we say we will do something when we get around to it. My dad once got a coin that said "round to-it." If it's something I know he can do himself, I remind him how amazing he is when he does things hes done this morning or the day before. It really place to his ego. He's a morning person, So I know to be less verbal at night. Hope you find this helpful and I share your frustration

I too feel trapped most of the time. My life ended years ago and sometimes I feel cheated. Luckily, my mother does not want to be a burden, and she does as much as she is able to. I always told her she had to move, just move. She's 92 and still moving! But I do not feel lucky, I feel like I'm dying slowly.
I had a grandmother whom everyone waited on. By the time she was 75, she could barely move. I won't let that happen to my mother.
I have fantasies of when she passes away, my brother and sister, who moved away, will not be allowed at her funeral. Why? Because that funeral will be for me, not for the dead. If I should die first, I am 64, I worry how my mother will be taken care of. Luckily, my daughter is an RN, and she will know what needs to be done, and she lives near, too.
It's okay to feel sorry for yourself, and it's okay to be angry sometimes. Sometimes, is the key. Find what you love to do when you have time to yourself and just do it. I use take out and drive-thru as much as possible, and I finally hired a twice-monthly maid service that doesn't break the bank.
If you need to vent, this is a good place to vent. You are safe here and don't let anyone tell you that you are not allowed to feel sorry for yourself sometimes. You do deserve understanding and friendship.

I'm sure it's little comfort to know you aren't alone, but don't lose sight of that or the fact that this is temporary...but I know, who knows for how long. My only sibling also took off south and visits maybe twice a year for quick visits where little is done and most of it spent sleeping.
I took feel the pain but am grateful it is not worse as I know it could be. Mom with dementia is capable of entertaining herself by reading; she can dress herself (when she wants to) and Dad is functional beyond deafness, but as always totally clueless on the hours and efforts put out on his behalf. Grateful and non-complaining, mostly, but always ready to add something to the list.
I have a few totes/boxes in the garage he mentioned last night. He's territorial and no doubt one day the SOB will put it all in front of my driver's door so I can't get out without dealing with it. Never mind that it feels like every waking hour is focused on them and their needs, from laundry, cooking, shopping, cleaning, doing the taxes, planning for the sofas to be reupholstered etc.
I am going to take advantage of a caregiver support program, maybe check and see if your area agency on aging has the program as well. At least it will give you a few hours off...

When a parent has dementia (whether or not it’s diagnosed by a doctor) the stronger characteristics of his/her personality become boldly emphasized. My mother was very angry a much of the time and then she could turn on the sweetness for certain persons. WHEW! She was a handful (as people would say to me). Unfortunately for me the three younger sibs who refused to help with either she or our dad came in knowing her poor mental state and lied, lied, lied to her many times as well as to both myself and my twin sister who were the caregivers for our parents. They called attorneys and rewrote our mother’s Will, Trust, Health Care Directive, etc. unbeknownst to my twin and myself who were appointed by our parents and doing the jobs. Looking back it’s no surprise because they are so extremely greedy as are their spouses - enough to steal!!!
As one Hospice nurse stated, “We call it the white horse syndrome” whereby the ones who were never involved show up near the end of the parent’s life and decide to take over because they claim that “you” aren’t “doing it right!”
So, be careful what you say to siblings because there are ugly ones waiting to destroy you and oh what evil means they will go to in order to do so. I am a perfect example of this and it doesn’t matter how much money is involved because sociopaths and narcissist will do anything to destroy another person as I believe that they live to do harm to others. Best of luck to you and prayers for you!

I can laugh about this now, but 15 years ago it wasn't as funny. Mom lived in one of my rentals about 45 minutes from me. She was in her early 90's. She would call me in a demanding, scolding voice. "You have to come over here right now! I can't change the TV channel." or something like that. Then one Saturday night she called and in a very sweet voice she said. "Honey, I hate to bother you on a Saturday night, but I thought you might like to know that there is water running out of the ceiling in the kitchen, it is raining on the electric cook stove and the ceiling looks like it is coming down."

A pipe had burst in the ceiling. I tried to get her to get to the shutoff valve we had installed in a very visible place. She was going out the wrong door and couldn't find it. I got a neighbor to turn it off. Ended up having the entire house re-plumbed. Like I said, I can laugh about it now.

There are some things I just do not understand and perhaps someone can enlighten me. Parents have children - that is what parents do - have children and raise them to become adults and go off and start their own lives. All perfectly normal. But where is it written "in stone" that when the parents become old and extremely difficult in terms of physical and mental behavior that the children must care for them even if it is totally destroying them and their families and lives? And where does it say that children must take care of their old parents if the parents were mean, abusive, neglectful and really didn't care about their children? I have nothing but praise for children who through their own mentality and physical states choose to take care of their parents regardless of the costs to all involved and the effects it has on the younger people. If that is their choice, and not done out of guilt or fear or whatever, that is their choice. But not every situation is the same for every caretaker. Please remember that not everyone is able to take on this responsibility for any number of reasons. Don't condemn them. Make sure the parents are cared for in a safe place but also tell people to respect the fact that you have a right to live life too. There simply is no one fast answer that fits every case. My personal feeling is you try the best you can to do the right thing but if their behavior and circumstances make it impossible or very difficult, then you must remove yourself and take appropriate action to solve the problem.

Whose going to care for you?

I love your subject line!

ALZ, no. Dementia, maybe a little. Lazy, yes. Should there be a bell beside her? No, it would ring nonstop.
Can I leave the family room for 15 minutes????.....NO...”Where were you???????”

I simply couldn’t cover it all....too much.
Money????.....who cares, no amount worth it.
Will the 2 siblings question every financial detail at her death? Absolutely.
But.....I have documented everything. Not just financial, every single bizarre, nonsense, demanding moment.
Learned that during my career.....document, document!
No worries there.
This is a great forum, wonderful people....:)

I did just that. While I was living out of state caring for my mother, I made a diary of items I did while there. It was 18 pages long - no blank spaces, single spaced lines. I also never actually sat down for a meal. I just grabbed a bite while I was running past it to perform yet another of the 3,501 tasks! I must have looked like a crazy woman and honestly, I almost was! Good luck to you!

Well I am a caregiver who needs a caregiver, you can move in with me when you are done there. I will be happy to continue to draw S's all over you and scrub mine off. ;) ;)

There are no victims, only volunteers. A great saying I picked up from Dr. Phil...who picked it up somewhere. Anyway, this is not to be mean. I apply this saying to myself as well, caregiving my elderly mom. It is just something to think about and apply to yourself as you see fit.

I have a step counter and I refused to look at it while I was staying with my mom to care for her 24/7, because I just didn't want to know how many miles you could average in a house her size. Now that she's back from rehab, and I am back in my own life, I've started experimenting with the word "no." She tried to hand me a plate from the table the other day, one of many I have seen her take to the dishwasher. "I bet you can do that," I said. And GAWD the look on her face... But, ultimately she did it. If you are caring for someone who truly can't get up and do for themselves that's one thing and we all need to learn to deal with it in a healthier way that doesn't get us down, but it's quite another when you're caring for someone who doesn't HAVE to get up and do for themselves. I learned the difference really quick. At my own health's expense. Don't let yours cost you.

You need to look into long term care phyllites that take medicade. Or hire a caregiver, or helping hands etc. There are great places. Home care places that take elderly people into their home. You just have to do the research, Now getting your mom to accept this is a different matter. You tell her that your body isn't capable of taking care of her anymore and that she deserves the best, so you are going to find it for her, Give her a choice, in-home help or facility.
Good Luck

Two older brothers moved far far away. Hmmm. Perhaps this grey mare should also relocate to a greener pasture (finances permitting).

My half brother put my Narc mother in assisted living facility. Every time she complained, he said to her, what’s it going to be - assisted living or nursing home, your choice. As I was the scapegoated offspring, and he was one of the golden children, one wonders if he even comprehends the price exacted from the scapegoated child. It’s obvious even the golden children couldn’t stand her. Only difference was, they got financially rewarded for their troubles. Part of me doesn’t like how he treated her, but part of me no longer cares. Guess this is one of my not-so-kind moments. Sorry for being so blunt here.

I'm sorry, I have no platitudes for you, no feel-good, pie-in-the-sky b.s. today. I so understand what you are feeling. I feel stuck. I am just about ready to just quit all of this world altogether. I have no life, so why bother? Funny thing is, I believe the outsider kid / the neglected kid is the one who gets "stuck." Our siblings see nothing wrong with us paying the price, forever and ever. Life pretty much sucks.

Forgotten2 you are not stuck, if your parents were abusive to you, you have no obligation to be their caregiver. Take them to the ER and tell them they are sick and then tell them you can no longer care for them.

If your siblings don't like it, tough turds. They don't run your life. They can be the caregiver or go visit in the facility.

It just makes me so angry when others put people in a crap position and run guilt trips on them. Manipulation is evil.

I learned as a young child that I protected me or I got devoured by my family. I was ten the 1st time I bahhed like a sheep at a family member, want to treat me like the black sheep, okay baah. That's all I have to say, because nothing about me caused you to feel this way and nothing about me can change the way you feel, not owning it, not even renting it.

Please find a way to go have your life, you don't need people that make you feel this way in your life.

This is a job.

You took this job. This is not working out for you. You don’t have to stay.

Choose work that is positive and rewarding to you. Find a job that brings you joy so you can be happy.

Ahhhhhh.......Some comments.
Thats alright.
Difference between field tested and voicing your opinion.
When you have given up 33 years of your life, starting at age 28, then perhaps I would not second guess your opinion.
Be careful of what you express.
God works in mysterious ways.
We are all given free choice.
The reward, is recognising our purpose in the gift we have been given, life.
Have a nice day.

I had a relative who told me once that she felt it was the child's responsibility to care for the parent. I disagreed with her and said, "I'm not qualified" but it is a courtesy and a loving thing to do when you find professionals who are skilled at caring for your parent in the way they need to be cared for, given your parent's financial situation. More money, more personal care. Less money, adequate care. If they are broke or have no money, there are state nursing homes who will take them in via Medicaid / Medicare.

Arimethea, (I like that name choice) - what you must continue to do is keep venting on this forum, and read all the comments.

I looked after a dear old friend (no relation) with Alzheimer dementia for 11 years - she finally died peacefully this last March, thank God. Even after her passing I am still saddled with emptying her home of possessions, selling that home, paying for most of the funeral arrangements and dealing with the lawyer and the other 5 legatees in her will.
What saved my bacon was that I was not living with her, and it was my choice not to see her every day. And I got her into a residential care home for the final 4 years.

I cannot imagine the hell of having a dementia relative under the same roof or living too close by to avoid.

You have my full sympathy, but PLEASE ASK FOR HELP: Just having other people visit while you get out of the house for a breather would help you maintain your sanity. If your local church or hospital has volunteers who visit patients, please ask if your mom can be put on that rota too.