What if it was YOU?

Lisa,

You bring up an important point. Socialization is extremely important. I’m glad that your father is happy in his assisted living. It’s so nice that he has a pool to swim in. Many assisted living facilities are like resorts.

I dreaded the idea of my father going into a nursing home but there came a point he could no longer live alone nor could me and my family always be there for him. He went into assistant living and and I was literally emotionally sick over it! But his improvement was spectacular within a week! The "secret" is that these facilities have expertise in dealing with older people who need help and they know what to do - they have valuable "know how".

And now my father has every whim taken care of! They take him to the exercise room every day. He goes swimming some days. He wants to meet up with his new friends? He just walks to the lounge room or court yard by himself. It's like a resort. The best thing? There is always someone there 24/7 who is caring and competent. No worries if he falls or needs anything.

As much as I was sick over him going in I would be a lot sicker now if he left to live alone again!

My mother is in a nursing home because I know it is the safest place for her. I could NEVER provide her the level of care she needs, care for my own kids and work. If I didn't work, we would all be homeless and that is not an option. I am not selfish; I am in a terrible situation and need to make hard decisions. You never know why someone has to make the decisions they do, but for some putting someone into care is the ONLY option.

I have also put in writing that my kids should find a care solution for me if I ever need it. I will never put them in that situation, having to decide if they should care for their own kids or parent, have financial security or care for someone who needs help beyond what they can provide.

If anyone ever questions/judges me, I realize that they are either lucky they aren't in my position or just ignorant. I hope you are one of the lucky ones.

If I ever find myself in the position of needing long term care, I have already told my husband and children that I want to go to a facility so I can spare them the burden of having to care for me.

No matter how much we love or care about a person, it is hard work! Also, after years of being a full time caregiver the relationship changes and not for the better.

You need help! No one can take on this kind of responsibility and do it all alone without suffering.

Your husband deserves the best care. Someone who has admitted to being suicidal should not be his caregiver. Please call 988 if you are feeling suicidal.

You can hire additional help or place him in a facility so he can be cared for by professionals that are capable and willing to assist him. Then you can concentrate on your work instead of being miserable.

He can’t help his situation. You can’t help feeling resentful, so what are you going to do about it? Complain or take action? It’s entirely up to you.

By the way, did you read my response to your comment about being crucified? No one is crucifying you. No one is looking for an argument.

We are able to see the writing on the wall. You are going to burn out if you continue to try and care for your husband all by yourself.

I’d BEG my spouse or kids to put me in a facility rather than ruin themselves caregiving.

You’re a selfish piece of garbage and I hope you die a long and painful death in the worst nursing the world has to offer.

You deserve every bit the of suffering you are experiencing.

This of all places is not where you should be judging, Reba. (And yes, you're judging -- in spades.)

I think most who are married a long time have some regard for their marriage vows. However, promising to care for someone in sickness and in health doesn't necessarily mean doing that hands-on work on your own. CARING should mean ensuring the best care, not just your care.

Placing a loved one in a nursing home is a difficult and painful decision, and you seem to think that that would entail throwing away the proverbial key, too. I disagree, and believe that it frees up the remaining spouse to devote their energy to just love on their family member. That's more helpful than anything in my opinion, but everyone is different.

Have some compassion.

"I hate how selfish people in this world have become. I am not judging anyone..."

Haha... talk about oxymoron, or is it hypocrisy, or contradiction.

In any case, you are judging. It's not wrong to judge, but you need to put yourself in others' shoes before you judge.