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I'm pretty much a loner, however since I've been off the dope and started dating a guy with an awful past that is a narcissist, jealous to the extent that im not allowed to go anywhere without him even if it was just me and a female friend. So in the 6 years we've been together I've caught him talking to females behind my back all the time then denies it. Im so over the relationship it's just really hard to walk away from someone you've put this many years into and have been through so much painful stuff has happened during the time span that hes been "here for me" through, supposedly. I mean we don't have conversations that having any meaning or he's mad then he takes over the conversation completely so i just have too hold it all in. I need the confidence to leave and the confidence to GET ALL MY STUFF WHEN I LEAVE.

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Read your post again, as if someone else had written it - perhaps a girlfriend who you might feel protective towards.
What advice would you give her?
Would you think that this relationship is good for her?
Would you think that she can do better for herself, that she might be better off being alone for a little while, as she finds her feet with her newfound sobriety?

If you're looking for someone to back you up because you think that this isn't a healthy relationship but you can't make a decision, please know that you're good enough and that you should trust your instincts.
You can have your own back. You can be there for yourself.

When you truly realise that you are good enough, you will start to feel more confident. When you build self-confidence, you will learn to trust yourself. Then, you will start to find it easier to talk to others because you will know that you are worth talking to.

This isn't easy. You will need to work at it. But the first step will be getting yourself out of a toxic relationship and into a safe place.

Good luck!
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Hi, I'm 59, also experienced to much major trauma my entire life. I lost my ride or die, BF, & husband 2 yrs ago last week. We had been together for 28 yrs from the exact time and exact day!!! Wish I could tell him that! Lol Anywho same thing in and out of drugs the whole time. I've always had extreme social anxiety because I had to start running away at age 10 to stay away from getting beat from my dad. So I spent A LOT of time alone. Couldn't go to school, can't really have friends, have to stay alone in a local corn field or lake.. Crazy but that's what happened. As an adult I couldn't work, or socialize, or have friends. I like being alone. I'm safe, no drauna, back then and now, I'm spunky, I'm nice until your stupid, ya know. But, I heard a women say years ago, " You don't need. Therapist or all them pills!" " You need To Rebuke Demons inside you"! I thought "What"? But in time I found Yahuah (GOD) and dove in big time, and she was right! That was 5 yrs ago. But I lost my husband then my oldest son 2 months after that. Then the rest of them got crazy and we stopped talking so I lost all of them! 3 kids and 10 gkids! I'm not going to lie, it's been very hard! Plus I live in the Styx. But I'm not at all depressed, not like I was! Find GOD!!! He can give you all you need! God bless you
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You are not in love. This relationship is just another habit. It sounds like a trauma bond more so than a workable relationship.

He is threatened by your recovery. Also, when someone is talking about you cheating and such, it is usually a reflection of themselves and their insecurity.

Continue with your meetings and talk with your sponsor on a daily basis.

Congratulations on your recovery one day at a time.

I had a relationship with someone like that and I couldn't take the accusations and the constant monitoring of my time and relationships. I had to get rid of that relationship.

I've been married three times, and trust and believe, this person was more work than all three of my marriages put together. My last marriage, I was widowed.

Don't throw your time away to folks who don't deserve it.

Even though this is not a caregiver question, I ran across a couple of men like this when I had a sick parent and a disabled sister at home.

It's like these type have a radar for spotting out vulnerable women.

Don't date any of these guys in the program either. It is just more dysfunction. You have enough to deal with at this point in your life.

The anxiety you are feeling is normal. You are new in your sobriety and relearning yourself before the substance.

One day at a time.
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When a person gets clean and sober, they often have to sever many ties to people they had in their life when they were using or drinking.

I'd bet my last dollar your boyfriend is an addict himself. Is he also in recovery with you the only one in the relationship that is?

If he's not then drop him like the bad habit you did two years and eight months ago. If he's not an addict, he's a tool and you should dump him anyway.

Your continuing recovery has to be the NUMBER ONE priority in your life. It must come before anything and anyone. Good luck to you, and I hope you have some support. Like NA (Narcotics Anonymous).
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Congratulations on 2 yrs and 8 months of sobriety! YOU GO GODS GIRL! You're probably depressed and socially anxious because you're living with a douche canoe. Instead of looking at it as being hard to walk away from someone you've put this many years into, look at it as not being willing to put one more day into such an abusive relationship! You're worth so much more! You've just been conditioned, thru 6 yrs of control and abuse, yo be scared to do anything, go anywhere, or be yourself. Yourself is good enough, it's great in fact! You have much to say, to contribute, to BE, you just have to remove yourself from the toxic abuser who holds you down. Once you do, you will blossom. It is unbelievably amazing you haven't gone back to using under such stressful circumstances. Bravo, you are a very strong woman.

Wait till the D.C. is out. Then pack up your stuff and leave and don't look back. Arrange to stay with a friend or family or a shelter who can help you get back on your feet. Call your sponsor, hopefully you have one, for guidance.

Best of luck to you.
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I am an atheist, so I don't usually refer people to God for help; but I often DO recommend the Serenity Prayer, as truer words were never spoken. I agree with Geaton that your question falls outside the parameters of an aging care Forum. But as you asked, I would suggest a good "COGNITIVE" therapist.
Be certain not to trip into "talk therapy"; I would bet you've talked about this quite enough and it hasn't got you far. You need support in changing your decision making and taking new roads off the habitual trail that's led you to today. This isn't a therapy column and we aren't therapist. Needs for experts we alway refer out to expert help. That would be good therapy and hard work to change your patterns.

When you finally do (if you EVER do) have the courage to leave your controlling boyfriend, I would suggest you do it with care and with support and that you are not wishy-washy about it. When boyfriends of this ilk know that you are leaving they can, and often DO become violent.
Please take good care of yourself. You are currently self-harming to the extent you are endangering you life and limb imho. Get help from a professional.
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This doesn't have anything to do with caregiving, but since you posted...

If you are really God's girl (hint: you are) then you know He doesn't want you investing in such a relationship. No man is better than that man.

Block his number, don't answer your door and start going to a large church that has a good Pastor, good programs and supportive ministries. Research them online. Many have recovery groups. You need support and good people around you so that you can ween yourself off of that sub-par man. That guy likes that you're alone because if you're around other "normal" people they'll tell you exactly what I'm telling you right now.

Have you been to therapy? Do you know about boundaries?

Why do you need confidence to leave? Just plan it and go. DO NOT tell him in advance. If you do, you are self-sabotaging.

"The ember that is removed from the fire turns cold." This is one of the reasons people need other people (like, in a church). Be around other people.

“As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another.” Proverbs 27:17

Again, it's good to be around other people who believe, and you get a larger pool of decent humans to find new friends.

May you receive courage and wisdom and peace in your heart as you continue to succeed in your recovery.
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Though this is not a caregiver issue(this is a caregiver forum)I will tell you to reach out to a women's shelter for abused women(yes, you're being abused). They will help you do what you need to to get out of this very dysfunctional situation/relationship that you're in and help you get back on your feet.
You went from one messed up situation while using to another messed up situation with the guy you're now with.
Time to break the messed up cycle and learn to live your life on your own as a happy and healthy individual. You CAN do it!! And you don't need a man to achieve any of that.
You've made it 2 years and 8 months without drugs which proves you can do whatever you set your mind to, so I'm here to tell you that you've got this girl!
So kick this loser guy to the curb and get out there and take your one life you have back!
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Though this is not a caregiver issue(this is a caregiver forum)I will tell you to reach out to a women's shelter for abused women(yes, you're being abused). They will help you do what you need to to get out of this very dysfunctional situation/relationship that you're in and help you get back on your feet.
You went from one messed up situation while using to another messed up situation with the guy you're now with.
Time to break the messed up cycle and learn to live your life on your own as a happy and healthy individual. You CAN do it!! And you don't need a man to achieve any of that.
You've made it 2 years and 8 months without drugs which proves you can do whatever you set your mind to, so I'm here to tell you that you've got this girl!
So kick this loser guy to the curb and get out there and take your one life you have back!
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