KatieKay, I have experienced grief at the opposite end of the spectrum. When my Grandmother died years ago at age 72, Mom's younger brother broke down and wept at Grandmother's funeral. He said that he had no idea that his Mother was so sick. (My Grandmother was involved in one of the FIRST Clinical Trials for L-Dopa for Parkinson's at a Major University Medical Center in the 1960's--and my Uncle didn't "know" how sick she was?") My Brother was "shocked" when he saw my Dad the Thanksgiving before Dad's death. Brother lived out-of-state and couldn't visit except at Holiday time. Unfortunately, Dad died on December 26th so instead of celebrating Christmas (Dec 25th), Mom & Dad's 54th Wedding Anniversary (Dec 27th) and Mom's Birthday (Dec 28th), we spent that Christmas planning Dad's funeral (Dec 30th).
dearfranca, I understand why you wanted to ask this question, it would have been interesting to hear from "the Other Side"; but this just isn't the right website for that question. Most of us can tell you what we think our siblings are enjoying while we care for our parents.
I used to worry about what I posted here in case one of my siblings reading here and recognizing me..probably no need as they really have no reason to come here.
My sibs have been able to continue on with their lives unaffected by having 2 parents with dementia. They have long since emotionally distanced themselves from them..so their grief will be minimal when the time comes.
I am very glad that I had a much better situation with my sisters than most people who post about that aspect of caregiving here. But I don't think that the people posting here are a true representation of the general caregiver population. We are mostly here because there are things bothering us about caregiving. I doubt I would have become a member here for just dealing with my sweet mother. My sisters and I could work that out.
I joined here while caring for my husband with dementia.
This is a great site. But it certainly does not accurately reflect what percentage of the caregiving population share the problems we discuss.
Dearfranca, I'm sure you posted with the good intention of getting people to reflect on what their caregiver siblings contribute and offer their sincere appreciation.
I wouldn't be cynical if it weren't so hard not to be. Unfortunately, thinking back, I'd say many non-resident siblings who do stumble over AgingCare are looking for ways to overrule, undermine or evict the resident caregiver. They have their suspicions, sometimes reasonable, sometimes startlingly ignorant, but either way they're not in the mood to be grateful and tend not to appreciate its being suggested that they might be.
I agree - Jeanne and her sisters should be cloned - they are definitely not the norm when it comes to a caregiving family. The old rule of 10% doing 90% of the work really comes into play when caregiving. I'm so glad Jeanne had a different (and better) experience.
One of the advantages of having a sibling be the primary caregiver is that you have little or no need for sites like these. I can tell you what advantages my siblings enjoy, but you’ll never hear it from them.
My mom lives with us, and we have our (more able) Aunt for a week every few weeks. Mom goes to visit her every other month or so. We just "putz",,go and do what we want when we want without trying to get her out of the house with us for a change of scenery. Recently they both went to stay with a relative in TX for a whole 6 weeks,, and we still mainly 'putzed" but we did go for an overnighter at a local BNB.. I have to say we really did not do anything different, but being alone together was glorious!
Only here. Had grifter types ingratiate themselves and start "helping" my dad At first I was grateful, but only too late I realized it was just an occasional big show of "help" and what the real draw was access to funds and tangible assets such as car. There was always the "I'm like a second son or daughter" comment made at some point. I was so naive to think that these sudden friendships had good intentions.
After a few of them blew up, and I mean blew up in that they were exposed to be common grifters, and low level criminal types, I finally was able to fend off most of them. But the whole thing never completely went away because my dad thrives on flattery, drama and playing victim. And con artists are drawn to that.
So no, none of my fake siblings ever worked out. Just added another pile of work on top of the work I was already doing. I would love, love, love to have a sibling that helped out. I'm so envious of the families that work together to help out their parent without all the squabbling, grifting and drama.
Dearfranca, most of us on this forum are or were the primary caregivers. You are not apt to hear from many siblings -- they just don't come to the site. Don't take it personally!
This is all in the past for me. At the time we were looking for Assisted Living for Mom one of my sisters retired and said she'd like Mom to move in with her. Would we mind? Mind? We were thrilled. I had just retired from a 10-year stint with my husband's dementia, and I knew a key to keeping your sanity when caregiving is getting away from it regularly. I offered to have Mom stay with me Friday thru Sunday once a month. This inspired another sister to make the same offer. Our third sister could not do that but she came over and stayed with Mom a couple times a week so CG sister and her husband could get to their bowling night, etc.
A huge big advantage was being able to come and go as I wished, except for one weekend a month. I didn't have to find someone who could stay with Mom.
I didn't have to encourage/force Mom to take showers.
I didn't have to coax her to keep medical appointments, or drive her there, or go in with her.
I wasn't involved every day in the effort to stop her from smoking. Once a month was enough, thanks. My sister and her husband managed this! (We were mostly worried about fire hazards and the inconvenience if she went into a care center.)
I only had my sleep interrupted a couple of night a month.
Our mom was an absolute sweetie. Even with dementia she was polite and kind. But there were major advantages to not being the one primarily responsible for her care, while still being confident she was getting excellent care.
Big grin here. My sibling helped nominally when here from out of state, but caring on a regular basis? Only in my dreams.
I wish I could write that I did have help though. On the few occasions that it did occur, I took the week off and caught up on my rest and sleep. It was heavenly. And it was so comforting to know that if an ER trip was necessary, someone else would have to get up in the middle of the night.
dearfranca, I understand why you wanted to ask this question, it would have been interesting to hear from "the Other Side"; but this just isn't the right website for that question. Most of us can tell you what we think our siblings are enjoying while we care for our parents.
My sibs have been able to continue on with their lives unaffected by having 2 parents with dementia. They have long since emotionally distanced themselves from them..so their grief will be minimal when the time comes.
I joined here while caring for my husband with dementia.
This is a great site. But it certainly does not accurately reflect what percentage of the caregiving population share the problems we discuss.
I wouldn't be cynical if it weren't so hard not to be. Unfortunately, thinking back, I'd say many non-resident siblings who do stumble over AgingCare are looking for ways to overrule, undermine or evict the resident caregiver. They have their suspicions, sometimes reasonable, sometimes startlingly ignorant, but either way they're not in the mood to be grateful and tend not to appreciate its being suggested that they might be.
At first I was grateful, but only too late I realized it was just an occasional big show
of "help" and what the real draw was access to funds and tangible assets such as
car. There was always the "I'm like a second son or daughter" comment made at
some point. I was so naive to think that these sudden friendships had good intentions.
After a few of them blew up, and I mean blew up in that they were exposed to be
common grifters, and low level criminal types, I finally was able to fend off most of
them. But the whole thing never completely went away because my dad thrives
on flattery, drama and playing victim. And con artists are drawn to that.
So no, none of my fake siblings ever worked out. Just added another pile of work
on top of the work I was already doing. I would love, love, love to have a sibling
that helped out. I'm so envious of the families that work together to help out their
parent without all the squabbling, grifting and drama.
A huge big advantage was being able to come and go as I wished, except for one weekend a month. I didn't have to find someone who could stay with Mom.
I didn't have to encourage/force Mom to take showers.
I didn't have to coax her to keep medical appointments, or drive her there, or go in with her.
I wasn't involved every day in the effort to stop her from smoking. Once a month was enough, thanks. My sister and her husband managed this! (We were mostly worried about fire hazards and the inconvenience if she went into a care center.)
I only had my sleep interrupted a couple of night a month.
Our mom was an absolute sweetie. Even with dementia she was polite and kind. But there were major advantages to not being the one primarily responsible for her care, while still being confident she was getting excellent care.
I wish I could write that I did have help though. On the few occasions that it did occur, I took the week off and caught up on my rest and sleep. It was heavenly. And it was so comforting to know that if an ER trip was necessary, someone else would have to get up in the middle of the night.