Daughter #3 just moved back home after 6 years living with Doc-Hubby who was working on his residency and fellowship.

I would fly the whole family home once a year. No thanks.

I would drop EVERYTHING and run care for daughter and kids if she was stressed out or sick. Took care of her for 10 days when she was sick with a pregnancy. No 'thanks.' Went back when baby was born for 2 weeks. No 'thanks'. Hotel cost me $1600.

Painted her house in Houston when it was 103 degrees and 90% humidity. No 'thanks'. Actually got screamed at to 'shut up!! for the love of heaven, shut up!' (Ok, yeah, she was stressed out but so was I.)

Had to stay in a hotel and rent a car when she lived in VA. Not allowed to stay at their townhome. But MIL was allowed. (Ouch).

They came home to a great job which was what we'd hoped...and I wondered, "how long before I do something which will make her so mad I get called on the carpet?"

9 days. Her little guy was possibly percolating COVID, so we were back in isolation and lockdown while we waited for the test. All very stressed out.

Last week (2 days after arriving in town) I babysat the 3 kids for 2 days so she and DH could look for a rental home to live in while they save up for a decent down payment.

They found and rented a place. Last night, unable to go anywhere or see anyone (covid test hadn't come back yet) DH and I went to just see where the new place was. Daughter had TOLD me the house was empty. We got there and there obviously were some people there, working on the house. I jumped to the conclusion it was the OWNERS and so I went up and talked (staying 20 feet away) from the man. Oops--no, the TENANTS and a specific clause on the rental agreement to NOT DISTURB THE TENANTS. Which I didn't know about.

Turned out, I knew the guy, he graduated Med School with my SIL. I knew his aunt, I knew the owners! Small world.

I would not have even gotten out of the car if I hadn't seen obvious signs of life--my bad.

So I tell daughter (since I had quite a delightful conversation with the tenant) and she BLOWS UP.

'MOM! BOUNDARIES!! WE MAY LOSE THE HOUSE BECAUSE OF YOU! What were you thinking? Did you just bust in the house?" This back and forth texting goes on for 1/2 hour.

I apologized to the point it just didn't seem sincere anymore. Offered to contact the owners (whom I KNOW) and apologize.

She just kept 'hollering' at me.

I felt so horrible. I cannot make this kid happy, and I know it. I'm her worst trigger, for sure and I know it.

Finally, turned off the phone and went to bed. At 11 pm she texts me that the COVID test was negative, but they were going to take a week off from seeing us. (She's still VERY mad)

She also texted the owner, who thought the whole thing pretty funny. Just said "Hey, this is what moms DO! It's fine".

But---well, it did make me look at myself and realize I have to create a relationship with her and not let her use me and be mean. I made a mistake, apologized to the skies and she kept coming at me---and even tho the owner didn't CARE...she wouldn't let it go.

So now I am in the doghouse.

Just sad and scary that this dynamic is not living here. I want this family here---but I have to be SO CAREFUL.

Pretty soon she'll be on this site complaining about her meddling mom.

Just a rant. I am 64 and thought maybe we'd have til I was 70 before I became the weird annoying parent.


This discussion has been closed for comment. Start a New Discussion.
Thanks for your comments--but you must not have read the whole post. That's OK, I do this too. Skim a post and have quick answer--that has already been answered.

I stated a 'problem' and received kind and well thought out advice. Most of the posters and I have developed a relationship of great length---6 years, actually.

Talking to the tenants in residence IS a real estate no-no (my DD and her hubs own 30+ units and they said they asked that the current tenants not ever be disturbed as in some cases, they don't KNOW they're going to be evicted, for example.

I DID over step, and apologized. Just apologized too much.

I think I mentioned that I AM aware of the twists and turns in this relationship and it's high time I treated her like a grown up and I am endeavoring to do so.

As time goes on, the 'power dynamic' shifts. Moms become grandmas and our roles change. If you aren't there yet, well, I cannot explain it.

And actually last night, in exchange for me making them dinner, she and her DH helped DH pick up a bunch of yard supplies that simply don't fit in our cars.

I doubt I will see her for the rest of the week. Learning to have space in our togetherness.

Thank you for your advice. I think we're over the worst.

What do you have to be sorry for? Looking at her rental, saying hello to someone you know? Dont apologize for things you did not do.
Your daughter is a receiver and expects you to dole out pleasures to her on a regular basis. Stop.
You need to decide what kind of relationship you want to have with HER. If the only reason you are important to her is to ''watch 3 kids for TWO WEEKS", let her cool off a bit without your services.
She is not honoring the mother-daughter relationship, nor is she honoring a friendship relationship.
Of course you are depressed. Who doesnt want to have a wonderful relationship with their married kids and great grandkids. Dont let her run the show.

Caught me JoAnn--

All 4 of my girls and I have similar cleaning 'tactics'. We love a clean bleached bathroom! We love a tidy living area, even if it's just until the kids get home. We can't abide unmade beds.

Of course it took the girls until they were married or on their own before they realized the beauty of a well run, clean house.

I'd go babysit--and as I am NOT a TV watcher, after the kids went to bed, I'd do dishes, whatever needed doing. Not that I felt they were incomptent, but for a 'gift' of service. Nobody did anything to help me as I raised a big family in a tiny house and the few babysitters I'd hire who'd do the dishes (we had no DW until about 25 years into our marriage!) was rewarded handsomely.

They didn't ask or expect this, so it was just me being kind.

With DD #3 it became kind of a habit that I have had to break. She got used to it and was not grateful.

It's a new norm--we were together at DD#2;s house on Friday, Everyone gets ready to go and I said to DD#3--(jokingly, but not) 'hey, it's 25 miles to your place, be sure you get all your kids' stuff. I doubt Uncle Jared wants to drive a forgotten blankie to your house". He agreed that, no, he would not. She carefully collected all her stuff.

We also 'made' her help clean up. Something that all of my daughters and I have simply let go as 'K being K' and letting her walk with nor responsibility as to cleanup. I did talk, very briefly to the other sisters and said "K is stable, mentally, she's home and surrounded by support and free daycare. How about we help her be an adult?" Other daughters agreed and they and I will train this little chicken how to be more independent.

I'm definitely slowing down, can't be counted on to paint and toss up sheetrock or tear up carpet...cancer kicked my butt and the FU chemo keeps me low. Besides, I'm, 64 now, not old, but definitely feeling the age.

Talked to SIL and he laughed about the run in with the tenant and apologized for K'd over the top rant. He was GLAD I had gone to look.

DD moves into the rental home (it's really VERT nice and twice the size of where they have been living, so that will be great) next Friday. I have chemo on Thursday and will be sick as a dog on Friday -Monday of the next week. I can't help at all---so she is going to have to man up and ask for help and figure this out on her own. My chemo days are yucky and mine alone. DH can't even come with me, which he is glad about.

Feeling better about things. I know I can be tough. Time to let this chicken organize her own coop. If it's a mess, then it's a mess. They will be having other drs and their SO's over, it's a 'team' her DH has joined, so she needs to be an adult.

Only saw her twice last week and those days were 4 days apart.

Finished my heart monitoring and look forward to the dx on that. Hoping it's just stress. (JUST).

Glad things seem to be getting on the right track. But got to say these things you wrote surprised me

I will NOT clean her messy house, unless I get the kids on board to help.
I will NOT wash her dishes.
I will not move the laundry over or fold, or IRON for the love of heaven.
I will NOT babysit over plans I have already made, b/c she's too scatterbrained to think ahead

I have never done these things. My daughter had her son at 16. She was given choices and she chose to keep him. I left a job (I hadn't had for long) to watch him during the day. But when she came home from school, he was hers. My day was done. Yes, I probably did laundry for her then, they were living here. But the two rooms set aside for them were her responsibility. And from the being she was told if she wanted to go out with friends, if we had made plans ours came first. Once she went on her own, I would have never even thought to do what you listed. Actually, both my girls would not want me doing these things for them. They would consider it an intrusion unless they were sick. (For one thing, we don't do things the same)

Yes, I think backing off would be good.

Mid; I'm glad you sound so calm and resolved.

Your children are going to love you whether you "do" for them or not. You've done loads for them over the years and I think that most of them see and appreciate your struggle with your mom, your MIL and even with your DH.

This is not like your life with your dismissive and self-involved mother. You don't need to "work" at getting your kids to love you.

Rest on your laurels a bit, okay?

Love you, Barb

Feeling better and proud of myself.

DD's hubby apologized to me last night at a family party for his wife's 'over the top' reaction to my visiting the rental. He thought it was a hoot, and said "Once K gave you the address, I really HOPED you'd go by and take a look!" He's not from here, and doesn't know what neighborhoods to 'avoid' as it were. I was able to set his mind at rest about the local schools (stellar!) to the fact he was 5 minutes from one of the most beautiful small canyons we in Utah just live for. He had no idea. He loves to run and this canyon is not steep and many runners love it for that.

#2 DD planned a family dinner (the 24th of July is a holiday here) and just asked me to pick up some dessert. I didn't argue with her that I could do 'more'...I am really trying to give the 'girls' more adult responsibility. Good heavens. when I was 42 (the age of my oldest DD, she was married!!!) Thinking this way gave me a new perspective on how much I have 'babied' these ladies and as their kids are all past babyhood, it's time for me to take a background supportive role.

I'm wearing a heart monitor on my chest and it shows no matter what I'm wearing. The kids all knew what it was, and the g-kids thought it was cool (I told them I'm Ironman)...and I've had several 'incidents' so I hope that it helps to dx the issue.

Yep--DD is coming to get the stuff out of the attic this week--as soon as they can get into the rental house. I will be glad to see HALF of the junk up there be taken away. I think it was mighty nice of me to store safely so much of their stuff for 6 long years!

Again--I appreciate the comments and support from all of you. I, for one, am hoping we learn something good during this pandemic and come out the other side smarter and kinder.

My relationship with my DD#3 will be changed forever--b/c it NEEDS to. I', so happy to have them home--but I don't want her to think she can get away with mom abuse b/c she's special.

Thanks you all--it takes a village to raise all of us, doesn't it?

Good for you, MidKid!!

Elaine & Lealonnie 💪👏 Yeah!

My neighbour was squeezing her car in the garage besides (moved out) son's motorbike. Had politely asked, then firmly requested him to fetch it for 2 years. Warned it would be sold by x date.

Yep, she sold it. He came around for it 1 year later 🤣🤣🤣 & had an absolute fit. She felt like she had to explain all the noise later to the whole street.

Elaine; I told my DS the same thing for over a year: come get your crap OUT of my house or I'm throwing ALL of it away. He never did, so I threw it all away. He was outraged when he stopped by to pick up a few items of clothing that were no longer in the closet. He had a FIT! Said DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I PAID FOR THOSE CLOTHES? Nope, I sure don't, I said, but I do know they'll be pretty inexpensive to REPURCHASE at ARC where I donated them!

Wow!!! Good for you Midkid58!! I am so proud of you for standing up to your daughter!!! That was great!! I had to do that with my son who lives in NYC. Our basement was covered with army stuff, furniture, books, clothes that were all HIS. I told him before to come get his stuff or it was all going in the dumpster. He said throw everything out except the blue bin of books. So during this lockdown everything went in the dumpster except for the blue bin of books. We kept them for him. Keep up the great work Midkid58!!!!

I am nodding & proud of you too. Assertive. I often aim for that but miss... too soft & later resentful or too harsh & argumentative. Assertive. Just right. If anyone asks where this 'new you' come from? Tell them it's the curly hair 😁🦁

I'm so proud of you! Keep up the good work!!

I had a teleconference with my PCP a couple days ago. I mentioned that I'd been having heart palpitations, far beyond what I consider general anxiety, and he got me into the heart clinic ASAP. I am currently wearing a monitor that makes me look kind of like IronMan. (It has a little green flash of light every 8 seconds that shows it's running. I'm doing a 72 hr, well, basically an EKG. I have been having so many of these heart issues, and while it's probably PVC (not the plastic piping :) it hurts sometimes and is really annoying.

it could be A-fib which is much more serious.

Guess he called the Psych doc cause I then had a 1/2 hr telephone consult with him. (He's known me 24 years and also had my DD as a client, briefly).

VERY concerned about the stress levels and made me promise to be tougher with her. I mean, I've known this guy forever and this is the first super serious talk we've ever really had.

He told me that some people just get stressed and anxious and can deal with it, either through judicious use of meds but some people--anxiety and a heightened sense of 'everything is wrong and crazy' is a part of their actual chemical makeup. I am evidently someone who will probably have to medicate for my entire life to deal with this. I've always hoped I could be 'better' and in many ways, I really am.

Abuse survivors always carry a certain level of pain inside of them---no matter how hard we work to overcome it. That's where mine is buried.

He really was calming and between him and the call from my PCP--gave me some insight to myself.

Sooo---yesterday I ran a couple of errands and came home to 7 grandkids playing in the sandpile--making a giant mud bog and having a delightful time. I didn't mind, I also didn't try to scrounge for food for them all--just watched them playing and loving being together. I asked the girls to please be sure they had all their stuff with them, as I would NOT run left behind ANYTHING to their homes that night.

DD left behind 'blankie' w/o which my granddaughter cannot go to sleep, some towels and her kids' masks. (2nd time those masks have been left!)

My OLD self would have hotfooted those items to DD's. But the NEW me just texted her that the stuff was here and it was on her to retrieve them.

Turns out DH had to go take his mom's trash out, and she lives right by DD. He ran the things by, and said "The baby kept asking for you, you should have gone". I was exhausted by 7:30 and went to bed. Told him that I was no longer going to be steppin fetchit for DD and he was 'meh' about it. Said it wouldn't last a week. Boy did he feel stupid when I came in this afternoon with a heart monitor stuck to my chest. Too THAT seriously!

Oh, DD also hauled a few bins of her stuff out of the attic--stuff I have been storing for 6 years. Asked if she could leave them here (in the kitchen) until she moved. (2 weeks) I said, "Nope. Take them with you or take them back to the attic. AND you need to take ALL THE THINGS I'VE BEEN STORING FOR 6 YEARS by Aug. 5th or I will dump them." She got real quiet and said "I really probably don't even want or need half of that stuff" So I said, "Then it will be easy. You come get the junk and decide."

In no way, shape or form was I being mean. Just factual.

So, things are moving. I was firm with her and she was fine. Hopefully we can keep this new dynamic. I realize if I don't change things rapidly and on my own they never will change.

Feeling better, all in all about 'stuff'. Glad the DH is upset at the sight of the monitor--he thinks all my anxiety is pointless and made up--this might help to spark some discussions with him about stepping up a little!

On the plus side--my hair is finally all grown back after 10 long months. It's short, but I wear it short. VERY curly, which is new, but I won't complain.

Thank you for your kindness and support. I realize you only get one side of the story--so, thanks so much for believing me!

Tell your daughter #3 that she has mistaken kindness for weakness.

You are not a weak person, Midkid.

And you need to heal, take care of yourself now.

Mid, as someone who was in about the same PPD place with my second kid (born 20 months after #1), I can empathize with your daughter. My (D)H was too busy and told me I needed to take the subway to my nervous breakdown. Which I did.

Look, most mental health issues ARE genetic in origin and exacerbated by environment. As I pointed out, BOTH your MIL and mom have fairly extreme mental health issues and ALWAYS have which created an inopportune environment for YOU. Please don't think I'm pointing YOUR genes as the culprits.

Bit the thing is, you clearly feel a need to step in, step up and THAT, I think, might be making your daughter feel "less than".

You are undergoing chemo right now and need to conserve every ounce of energy and sanity toward your goal of complete recovery. If DD doesnt get that, then yes, she has some serious issues to work on and you are only going to help by discontinuing the unreasonable level of support you've been providing her.

Much love and solidarity and ((((hugs)))))).

Thanks for the kind words--

Yep, she was always a handful--#4 in a family of 5 and a real prima donna from day one.

Barb-you're so astute! She indeed did get a LOT of my mental health issues, which I know are genetic and not my doing. Anxiety, depression--in some ways much worse than mine. She was never abused or neglected--as her therapist from her teens said "This just is who she is"--which I think is/was a bit of a copout, as I felt she needed to not just sit back and let stuff 'happen', then complain that her life was the WORST EVER.

She had severe (and I mean, SEVERE) PPD with her first baby and actually asked me to take the baby to the fire dept, they'd raise her. (That's where her mind was at that moment.) Hubby was hip deep in his PhD and couldn't take the time to fuss her, so he asked me to step in.

And I guess I never stepped out!

I haven't seen or spoken to her since Sun night and until she comes around, I am not making overtures.

I do know (and I think I mentioned this) that her DH is getting her back in touch with her old therapist. I know he will.

I have given this a lot of thought, and will be stepping out of the 'mom will do that' state. I do know she is grateful, her DH tells me all the time how much she appreciates me. All fine and dandy, but I'd like to hear that from HER. She has a HARD showing gratitude, none of my other kids are so self centered.

Saw my PCP on a telehealth visit yesterday. He wants me to have some heart tests run--I have been having a lot of heart rhythm irregularities, which have gotten worse over the last few months--he feels it's probably due to unending stress and my body just is exhausted--but worries a little that I've developed A-fib. Yuck. Anyway, he did say to stay un-annoyed and we both kind of chuckled at that--he says the stress levels among his patients is sky high and it's affecting him too. Poor guy.

Getting old is not for the faint of heart (pun intended).

I look at myself when I was my DD's age and I can't believe how much more functional I was than she is. NO ONE ever helped me, ever, so I think that is part of the whole dynamic of me wanting to be there for her. I still will be, but I refuse to be drawn into her dramas.

Her kids are amazing. They all inherited their dad's calm but intense personality. Thank goodness. She has a little sass pants of a daughter who is a LOT like her, but nicer.

They're moving to their long term rental house in 2 weeks. I cannot help in any way as I have a chemo infusion the day before. I told her that and she looked kind of like "well, I guess we'll have to make it work". She seemed annoyed, but what can she do?

Again--thanks for the kind words. This will work out, like I said, I was wondering how long it would be before she blew up at something I did/said. Only 9 days--I was thinking it would be at least 2 weeks.

Moving house, spouse's new job, sick kids, throw in a world pandemic. That's a lot of stress bubbling over. You can acknowledge her stress but that doesn't mean you need to accept bad treatment. Her stress response is NOT your fault.

My son would go from mildly annoyed, fly though irritated & anger to be at blow up stage in a heartbeat. Coaching helped. He learnt to recognise his own warnings, put in some pauses to slow the process down. As parents we had to tune in to the early warnings better to intervene. Many times we were too late but he had to own it & apologize in person or letter. (Sometimes I needed to bring my check book 😔 or talk fast, like the stone thrown at the new Audi 😬).

That cute toddler may becomes a volcano too - look out!

You can be the wise Gran who says 'cound to ten' 😁.

When I got divorced and bought a new house to move into with my DD who was 10 at the time, my son was living on his own and I had given him a house key. I told him, however, to always call BEFORE he dropped by, to let me know he'd be coming. He never did......he'd just barge in, unannounced, every time. I let that happen 3x, the first 2x I patiently reminded him to please call before he showed up; sure thing, mom, he said. The third time he showed up unannounced, my parents were visiting from Fla. and we were sitting in the dining room eating. I said hello to my son and then demanded my house key back. He was shocked. So were my parents, of course, who'd never heard of the word 'boundaries' in their life. My son thought I was kidding; I wasn't. He slammed the key down on the table and stormed out of the house, slamming the front door behind him. Gee, I hope it didn't hit him in the ass on the way out.

He didn't speak to me for about a month which was fine. I stood my ground, and that was that. He called me eventually and we didn't even bring up the subject; it was as if it had never happened.

But he never did such a thing again. Because he learned that when I said something, I meant it. I am a woman of my word. I love my kids, but they are never going to use me as a doormat. Ever.

My DIL let us know that she's expecting a baby in March. My first biological grandchild. As excited as I am to be a grandma, I have no interest in raising another child. I told my DIL that I'd be more than happy to help her, if and when SHE called ME to ask. In other words, I would not be barging in forcing my services upon her. My DH said I had made myself 'perfectly clear' with that statement, which took him by surprise! I didn't want my DIL to think I was going to be a meddlesome new grandmother who'd be interfering with her life as a new mom, that's all.

Anyway, my point is, go on with YOUR life. If your DD can't and won't appreciate you for YOU, screw it. Let HER come to YOU with an apology now, because enough is enough. You are not a doormat. You are a beloved mother and entitled to be treated as such. If she can't manage to do so, then stay away from her. Where is it written that you have to do ANYTHING for her at this point? Your job is done now, you raised her into adulthood and the ball is in HER court now.

That's my two cents on the subject. Who wants a relationship that requires a person to walk on eggshells all the time? I divorced the last person who forced such a situation on me.

You are worth MORE than some shoddy treatment you're getting from DD. Are you perfect? Well no, of course not. But you're also not a punching bag or a horrible person that deserves to be mistreated at every turn.

Only YOU can put your foot down and tell her ENOUGH. You're DONE. Let HER make the next move while you relax and pamper YOURSELF! You're worth it!

We teach people what we will accept from them. We train them in how to treat us. If we are the footwipe at the door, that is what they will use us as. You may just have to accept that your daughter isn't a very nice person, and move on with minimal contact. It happens. There are many families out there who would value you. Seek them out. Children need not be your flesh and blood to bring you joy. When Covid - 19 finally makes an exit seek out others who bring you joy. You won't really get a whole lot of joy with people telling you how mean your daughter is; in fact, eventually it will make you want to jump to her defense.
Remember, we train people to treat us in certain ways by our reactions to their treatment of us.

No, honey. You are NOT a problem mother. Sounds to me, your daughter is SPOILED.

Step back and give yourself a break and do for YOU.

Mid; looking at that list of things that you've done for her in the past, what sorts of serious mental health challenges are you trying to make up for in her?

Is it possible that your stepping in makes her feel LESS competent?

Please remember that in addition to being related to your own wonderful self, she's inherited some pretty rotten mental health genes from both of her grandmothers. This is all stuff SHE needs to work out in therapy. Not you.

Not you, my friend. Step back and let her use her own resources; she needs to grow up already.

Thanks again!
The common sense words of wisdom I receive always make me smile--and feel better to know that you're out there.

I am going to pull in a little and let her deal with the stuff she has to deal with and not be there constantly---she is mentally not really strong and covers it well with a sharp, biting wit that HURTS. Sometimes she's a delight. Often, she is not.

Part of this, right now, is the fact that for 6 years she's lived far away and has my grands hostage (not literally, of course, but I have had to spend a LOT of money and time traveling to where she's lived to be with the kids, whom I simply adore!)
Now they are right here, 10 minutes away and have the MOST adorable toddler--we haven't had toddlers in 5 years!

I AM going to make some changes starting now:

I will NOT clean her messy house, unless I get the kids on board to help.
I will NOT wash her dishes.
I will not move the laundry over or fold, or IRON for the love of heaven.
I will NOT babysit over plans I have already made, b/c she's too scatterbrained to think ahead.
I will do what I want to do with and for this family. As I do the other 3 who have kids.

I have created this monster and I believe I can un-create it. It will take mental effort on my part and a concentrated focus on making her be an adult.

I'm really painting her to be a stinker (and she is, so often) but she does have a softer side. When I was going through chemo last year, she couldn't come see me and so she sent her friends over to see how I was. Of course she didn't want to be seen as 'compassionate' but her BFF told me directly she was beside herself with anxiety about the cancer. She could have told me that to my face and it would have meant a great deal.

I am happy that her DH sees she needs to resume counseling and I know he'll follow through on getting her back to the therapist who worked with her before.

I feel a lot calmer. I get upset and it triggers panic attacks and it sometimes takes a few days to get over those. Talking to my PCP today and will bring up the panic attacks..

Thanks again for the wisdom. I know I can sometimes give good advice, but have a blind spot a mile wide in my own life.

(Country mouse--LOVeD your comment about not 'snogging' this bloke--I laughed pretty hard at that. LOVE British phrases!! I could NOT have 'snogged him' we didn't get within 20 feet of each other. Plus I could be his mom.)

((((Hugs)))))) Midkid.

Sometimes the "kids" get so accustomed to being able to "count" on the parents, they become rude in their focus on their own "bubble". I experienced this a couple of weeks back. With covid, I have rarely been away from home in months so I was really looking forward to meeting a childhood friend in a city park for a lunch one Friday (with proper distancing). My mother would be in adult day care and the extra kids I'm taking care of would be with their grandparents for most of the day. My 5 year old grand-nephew returned to his house Thursday after our nightly cuddle and bedtime snacking session around 9:30p and I went to bed around 10:30p only to be awoke at 11:14 by a call from my nephew. Seems he was planning an adult only weekend with a client couple at the lake and needed me to care for the 5 year old and watch over the teenagers staying at his next door home over the weekend. Nephew said he thought his wife had discussed this with me earlier in the week and only just realized she had not. They wanted to leave for the lake mid-morning to shop and get the RV ready for their guests.

I could have completely accommodated him in several ways. I could have rescheduled my luncheon or I could have taken the grand-nephew with me to the park; but I didn't. I choose to put myself first for a few hours and make a point about boundaries. I told my nephew I had made plans for what I expected to be my alone time but would be free and home by 1:00p. He could take his son with him to the RV in the morning and then bring him back to me when I got back home and I could cover the rest of the weekend with no problem - and that's what we did.

Particularly since I retired, I try to be flexible and available for childcare, even on very short notice. My nephew works long hours and even before covid, I would agree to babysit and watch over so he could take his wife with him as he traveled to meet with a client and enjoyed a dinner alone with his wife on the way home. I call this a spoil-spoil: spoiling my nephew with babysitting and spoiling his children while I'm babysitting. My nephew's wife knew I had plans for lunch with my friend and I think that's why she had not asked me to babysit Friday morning. My nephew is generally a good guy, but sometimes needs to be gently reminded others have no obligation to revolve around his busy schedule. When the "kid" generation starts taking your availability/support for granted, its time to push back just a little.

(((Big hugs))) MidKid!

Thanks all of you (whom I consider to be my friends!!)

Yes--I do have this overarching need to please and I know where it comes from. A love-withholding mother of my own who never watched or interacted with ANY of her grandkids and now wonders why they don't 'know' her. I am very close to all my g-kids, whether or not I'm on good terms with their parent/my child.

DD will no doubt settle down, and she knows she hurts me. Once, while working on her house in Houston, I had been painting in the garage for 6+ hours. She thought I was napping. Came into the garage and found me sweating and sick--all from trying to HELP....and she yells at me for not being more cautious....ah well. She's 36 and not going to change. She has a quick, hot temper and is proud of it.

Now she's back home, no drama about having to raise kids in other states on the lousy income that interns and residents make--they will be bringing in over $400K a year. Maybe she'll calm down. BUT....she needs to go back into therapy for her anger issues (something I didn't mention)....and something her DH told me he couldn't wait to get her back into...!

I do see a counselor and she has worked with me on this specific child. She and her brother treat me like trash sometimes....and I often think if my DH would ever stand up for me, it would end. It's not HORRIBLE and it's not something I am not used to, but I do not appreciate being talked down to. It's MUCH better with my son as he has raised some pretty big hellions of his own---but I need to be more forceful with this daughter.

Arrggghhh....I can take a break from her but I cannot stand to not be around those babies.

After talking to a friend this morning, she agreed that I had really done nothing wrong and certainly nothing for which to be yelled at.

Her excuse was that she was stressed about the 2 yo having COVID. Well, DH and I were pretty stressed about being exposed to it! Yet we didn't fall to pieces and go nuts.

I'm sure this will pass. Her DH is very aware of how she treats me and he will stick up for me and make her apologize if he sees something out of line--but he's not around much.

Thanks for listening. Much appreciated. All will be well, I'm sure. I have a ton of projects for the next few days and will not be available to tend or help her. I'm going to ignore any texts. Like she does mine.

Oh geez, my heart breaks for you on this one!! You don’t deserve this from DD. Clearly, all you were trying to do was help!! I agree with the others. Set boundaries with her. Take a break from her!! I would write her a long letter or text and tell her how you feel. Tell her you don’t like the way she has been treating you and that you love her but that you are taking a break from her!!! That’s what I would do. I can get my feelings out better in a letter rather than face to face. You didn’t do anything wrong. Talk to a therapist. I’m sure that would help also. I’m so sorry you are going through this.

I had to smile😊 at this one. I had a sister who I never knew if she liked me or not. You had to walk around on egg shells because you never knew if what you said would tick her off. My youngest is like this. a parent I refuse to walk on egg shells because I may say something she doesn't like. She is one to cut off her nose to spite her face. She gets mad, she gets happy.

I have had some problems with my oldest. Just asking her if she needed help a couple of Thanksgivings back, I got "just go sit down Mom". And that meal was provided by us. We ordered it and picked it up. She didn't have to cook, just heat up. She chose to have it at her place. She wanted no help with the clean up, so I left. Don't need to be around someone miserable and uncaring about my feelings. Same here, she gets mad, she gets happy. Oh, and the next year, she cooked a full meal and invited friends and was all happy. When grandson was small she called me one day and said I "had" to pick him up at a certain time. I asked her when she asked my Mom for a favor how did she ask. She said "MomMom could you please". Then I said "then why don't I get a please" After that I got a please.

I do get a thank you when I do something for my oldest when it comes to her kids. The youngest and I were talking about her friend who is getting married and future MIL is getting a little too involved in their house buying. I said "well u don't have to worry about that with me." She said I had my quirks but no, I never got involved with her relationships or where she lived.

Stop apologizing at this point. Take a breather. But the next time she treats you like this, call her on it. Tell her you don't appreciate the way she talks to you. As her Mother u deserve more than that. Tell her she treats you like you don't have a brain in your head. And until she can at least respect you, I would not be volunteering my time. She has a MIL. And if I did volunteer my time, and she started in on me, I would walk away, hang up or leave. Actually, I would wait for an invite before I went to her new home.

Not sure about why talking to the tenants had anything to do with disturbing them. Actually, I think your daughter has something she needs to work on and figure out why she goes off like this.

Midkid, the way you are treated by the people you love so much and do so much for, just occasionally makes me feel sick.

You do realise you haven't done anything wrong, don't you?

I assume you didn't barge in and actually snog this bloke or anything, of course. You had a socially distanced conversation causing zero inconvenience or offence. Causing, on the contrary, a few little rays of unexpected and no doubt very welcome sunshine in these hyper-jumpy times.

YOU are not the weird one.

I mean nothing against DD. I'm sure she is a brilliant young woman, seeing as your offspring do all seem to be brilliant in their various ways. It's their attitude to you - the ingratitude, the dismissiveness, the readiness to criticise - that I hate.

I must admit I probably wouldn't go and recce my kids' new houses, as a rule. But in the circumstances you describe, why not? It's a pity DD didn't take a moment to *consider* all the circumstances before she condemned you and sentenced you.

I agree with cwillie. Stop being at her beck and call. Stop doing things for her. She is taking a break from you...maybe you do the same. Take a break from helping her out. You can visit but stop running to her rescue....she doesn't appreciate it.

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