my friend’s mom has been going downhill very fast after a virus.. so bad at nite with calling out and moaning that my friend took her doctors advice and called Hospice in. I finally saw a light at the end, but behold she rallied this am and started taking nourishment. She was bright and all smiles and laughing with family who thought she was dying.
He has been short with me when I help with her changes if I do not do exactly what he wants in a timely manner. She is still bedbound.
He did get upset when I told him I did not want to spend my life in a nursing home.
He guilted me because I want to spend next week-end with my daughter for a Holiday gathering.
I told him how hurt I feel being #2 and he called me hard hearted and his mom will always be with him til she dies even if it means I leave, so now I am going to put what I want first.

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I think there are a lot of assumptions being made that Snowbird's BF is an abuser, so far all I've seen is a man who has laid out what his priorities are in regards to his mother - while you might think that is misguided it isn't in itself abusive. Perhaps I've missed something but I could just as easily spin this as the OP self righteously demanding more than an overly stressed caregiver is able to give.

(Snowbird, this isn't directed to you, it's just my opinion that there always are two sides to every story)

Because with abusers, cwillie, it's all or nothing.

Women who stay with abusers may have distorted thoughts because the abuser has worn them down. Not changing his mother exactly how he likes it? Guilting her for wanting to see her daughter??

Women who stay with abusers may have never been taught that they have self worth and are lacking in the self esteem department. Many also want to feel like saviors by changing the abuser, which never succeeds but they persevere believing that next time will be different and their abuser will recognize the error of his ways.

Perhaps family expectations where they have been groomed to be a pleaser and Snow has self-described as a pleaser. There are probably other reasons why Snow stays with this man who abuses her. In my opinion rather than wasting her time on this mamma's boy she should seek mental health counseling and come to terms with why she allows herself to be treated poorly and calls it love.

Snowbird I don't get why it has to be all or nothing, why can't each of you enjoy time together when he is available and keep active separately the rest of the time? It shouldn't be a choice between his mom and you, and you certainly shouldn't have to give up weekends with your daughter in order to play attendance to him and his mother. I've known several committed couples who live happily separate lives, frankly I've never understood the ones who seem to be joined at the hip...

Snowbird, you posted a few weeks ago with much the same concerns. Posting again with the same issues tells me you are still conflicted about what to do.

You have done much for many people; your mother, your MIL and your husband. Is it possible that you feel you must continue to serve those in need of care? Is it also possible that you are with this man because you wanted, on some level, to help care for his mother? He has made no bones about the fact that his mother comes first and he will not put her in a facility. This may not have bothered you early in your relationship, but now perhaps you’ve developed serious feelings for this man and his shoddy treatment of you hurts. You are even feeling guilty about visiting your daughter.

After all you have done for others, I wonder why you feel you have no worth, other than the fact this man seems to tell you in so many ways that you don’t. Do you agree with him? If so, then you may continue your relationship with him. But, I’d bet there is someone out there who will treat you as you deserve to be treated. End the relationship for your own good. If you want to continue caring for his mother, tell him you will, but for pay. It’s truly a matter of self-respect.


As I read your post I was angry at this guy and I don’t even know him. I hate injustice of any kind. I don’t feel as if you are being treated fairly.

You are not his mother’s servant. It’s one thing to be kind and respectful to his mom. It’s another for him to feel that you aren’t doing things good enough for his mom.

Please trust your gut on this one. You said yourself that you do not appreciate being second in his life. Doesn’t that speak volumes to you? You deserve to be first if you are in a relationship with this guy.

Now for the praise. Hallelujah! For going to see your daughter for the holidays. Go, enjoy! Good choice! That sentence made me smile! 😊 I am thrilled that you are choosing to spend the holiday with your daughter. Don’t under any circumstances let him talk you out of that! Let him squawk. He has his dear mom for the holidays. He made his choice.

The idea of his emotional blackmail saying his mom will be there until she dies even if you have to go.

I want you to ponder that while you are away. Not dwell on it but take a few moments to really think about how ugly of a statement that truly is.

Hopefully you will return home with a new perspective and you will find the courage to walk away from him. He will be fine. He has his mom. You will be great! You will no longer be second.

Snow, why do you "love" this guy if he treats you so badly?

He doesn't appreciate when you DO help and tells you that you're selfish when you say "no".

I'm not getting what there is to love.

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