I've been on this forum since taking on care giving for my 85 year old father. As I sit in the hospital with him...again while waiting to go clean out another desk (this will be job loss number 3 since giving up my good paying job because it required lots of travel)...I'm resentful.
This is not what I pictured my life to be. I had a great career that allowed me to travel. My plan was to make good money and start a family later in life. Since taking on the care giver role ( Daddy's other living children provide minimal help), I've gained 25 pounds (don't have time to exercise; junk food has become my friend), my house foreclosed, I lost my car, I work two jobs and still can't make ends meet, I broke up with my BF (I'm no longer a nice person)... Everything fell apart.
I put Daddy in IL and was actually going to steal a couple of "me" days this week then BAM! He gets sick again.
I was recently cussed out pretty badly by a younger niece and accused of being selfish...am I? From what I've seen, I'm one of the younger care givers...The average age of children with parents my dad's age is 50.
I know it sounds cruel, but sometimes I miss my old life. My friends are living their lives...traveling, marrying, etc. (Wait...that's my sister who takes mini vacations with her new hubby bi-weekly)
I've wasted away to an angry, sad, fat worthless slob and I hate myself for it...
Sorry for the pity party. I'm just exhausted...
As for resentment, I'm right there with you. I promised my Dad as he was dying that "Mom will always have a place with Henry and me." Well, I meant it. But that was a foolish promise to make. Here we are, 4 years later, she's progressed in her Alzheimer's and I am just worn out. She's not a difficult patient by any means, but when you work full time, commute 2 hours a day, grocery shopping, dr. appointments, have a home to run (2 homes really, since she lives in her own suite downstairs which at least gives us some privacy/break), etc. etc. at a certain point after nights of 5-6 hours sleep, skipping meals, eating on the run, etc. something's got to give. Don't let it get to that point. I am there now, and I should have heeded the warning signals sooner. It grieves me, but I am going to have to start looking into placing her somewhere, even if only for 1 month respite, before I have a physical or emotional breakdown.
I am actually excited about looking for another job. I have missed working!!
Undivided attention
I am a beautiful caregiver
Looking for ways to care for myself
To keep going and care for others.
Read the first letter of each sentence, and the word you find, take it out of your mind and ♥, okay? Throw it out the window! M88
Nothing you do is going to cure your dad or change the fact that he needs more care than you can provide.
You can turn every bad habit into a better one. Don't do it all at once because that's not sustainable. You are young and it's not too late to change course. Do something nice for yourself today and every day moving forward. Start small like a cup of tea and a 5 minute stroll. Standing outside with the sun shining on your face will make you feel better! Choose life - your life - and let us know how you're doing.
Part of it (I'm sure a large part of it for some of her family members) is that she was very adamant that she didn't want to go into a home. But I don't think they thought she would deteriorate to this point, fully non-ambulatory, medications four times a day, extremely combative, but still healthy vitals-wise so this could go on for years.)
Unfortunately, I think another part of it is, after her stroke and we had to scramble to get her affairs in order since she could no longer, they found out she was sitting on a large pile of annuities. I am the only person safeguarding their inheritance. (We priced nursing homes, with the level of care she will need it will last maybe four years.)
Even if I push through it, I don't think its going to be healthy for her. People are right, she will probably get better care through shifts of well-rested workers. I also think her family is in denial of how bad she actually is. I'm starting to wonder if maybe post-stroke dementia is starting to set in (though to her friends she seems coherent and tell me "She's doing good!!!") She either has dementia or some severe behavioural issues going on. She is starting to get red marks on her butt, so I had a wedge so she could sleep on her side. She screamed and shook the guard rails of the bed all night until my husband went down and took it out so we could sleep. This is something she has not done before, and I don't know if she'll finally give up, but sleeping on her butt all night is NOT an option, and we're sacrificing sleep to prevent her bed sores. I really am wondering if her recent ramping up of her combative behavior is dementia sitting in, she is already on anti-depressants.
I do think eventually we will be putting her in a home. The home care aids already told me yesterday they aren't able to meet all of her mobility needs (no matter how much she screams at them.) I guess we'll have to see.
(And sorry to Tinyblu, I don't mean to hijack your thread.)
I'm feeling like a total failure right now. When his grandmother was living in our home, I had so much less trouble, therapists came and had hope. Now that I'm here in her home, all I hear is "you can't do this by yourself" and "she needs to be in a home." I understand and agree. Whether through her own unwillingness to try, or through some medical problem that we can't see, she has deteriorated.
It was a huge eye opener to have care-givers come in and straight up tell her "You can't do this, so I can't move you to the chair." Before I'd just do my square best to get her there no matter what. And we see the results of my efforts; a ten pound lifting restriction, and I'm still have a lot of muscle pain just sitting here after helping the caregiver with her.
I feel so guilty about all of this. I read of people who have done this for YEARS and complain about burning out. I've only been at this since October. WTF is wrong with me? The person I'm caring for told us she cared for her husband with ALS for five years until his death by herself. If she did that, shouldn't I be able to? Am I just not trying hard enough? I feel obligated to care for her as she cared for others.
But I know I'm burned out. I've been hopelessly burned out for two weeks now. No one believed me or listened until they had to help because my doctor said they had to. Any time I get any sort of break I do nothing but SLEEP. I don't have the energy to do anything for myself. Shower, make food for myself, play video games, call my parents on the phone...nothing. I feel like I'm just being lazy.
My husband tried arranging home care to come help me...and it was 10x worse than me just doing everything by myself. If I'm by myself, I can just sponge bathe her and do my best to get her in a chair and go on with my day. With them I had to help them get her in a shower, still do all her meds, insulin, and glucose checks, go shopping for extra food because she wanted something different than what was on my 'menu' and they wanted to cook that for her, clean up tons of pee and poop on the floor because of the shower, etc.
And her son with dementia paid a surprise visit, so I had to deal with that. I broke down crying in front of her PT nurse, I felt like an idiot. Now my family, as a last ditch effort, is hiring extra help to give me a break and a Hoyer lift. If extra help is going to be as work-extensive as it is today, its a no-go, but I'm going to chalk it up to learning-pains and try it for at least next week. (Hoyer lift is supposed to come Friday.)
I know I'm past my limit. I just feel like I should have held out longer than this.
Send is spot on as always it is your role and your responsibility to see that a loved is cared for properly - IT IS NOT YOUR ROLE TO NECESSARILY TAKE ON THAT JOB. That said some people do - most of us in here do or have but being a really good caregiver means you know when it is time to say one of two thing and you actually say them:
1 I cannot do this anymore ( or because the needs are too great for you to manage or the emotional upheaval is too much to bear or because you are simply not trained to give the best care - most of us fly by the seat of our pants and we have learned from others chipping with life saving ideas)
2 I don't want to do this any more (whether thats because you have or want a life of your own and that is perfectly OK or you may find the icky stuff as Stacey puts it something you don't want to do and that's fine too)
Remember the Serenity prayer and have the serenity to accept the things you cannot change, the courage to change the things you can and have the wisdom to know the difference. I have excluded the religious part of this so as not to offend.
She had a stroke, and went from independent to fully dependent. She started out able to walk short distances and transfer with very little assistance to barely helping at all. I quit my job to care for her, but im scared its become too much.
She is double incontinent, has 10 plus medications, diabetes, heart disease, and is nasty and uncooperative. My husband and i had to get on muscle relaxers twice for sxrewing up our backs lifting her. I care for her 24/7 wnd get no rest days because no one else is female and physically able to move her around to change her diapers.
Well, i got hurt and am now on 10 lb lifting restriction for a month. Now that hubby has to just *help* me he is having a meltdown and is thinking about putting her in a home.
Lol. I used to do this all day every day by myself and people were just like 'dont worry...youll get used to it and itll get better.' Now they're singing a different tune now that they have to do one freakin tenth of what i did by myself every day.
I'm not that much older than you (45). My father passed away at age 75 a little over 3 years ago, at which time I moved in to care for my mother - who is now 75 and in a nursing home, because she went downhill in a major way last year. You're not alone.