Hello everyone
So my siblings and I put my mom in nursing home for now. She got there this morning, when we arrived there she was miserable!!!!!! SAID the room was too small. I am the youngest girl and I actually spoil her more. My brothers and sisters think my mom might take advantage of me because I used to always do everything for her and anything she wanted I got her!!! So that being said, today she looks at ME while we just arrived in the NH and said to me, "I cannot belive you all took me here you told me you wouldn't. You are all abandoning me." And when she is telling me this, my heart is breaking into millions of pieces!!! I ALMOST threw up. I looked at her and said, "Mom we do not know if you will be here forever." We are trying to get her into assisted living, but her mobility is not quite back. She has come a long way, but we want to see with PT if she can go further with her strength. So after I told her that, she replies, "I am so disgusted with you all!!!!" So in my head I am saying what the hell? It's all about her, my mother!!! THE ONE I love and adore. I mean, my siblings and I are doing everything trying to find her a nice place that's safe and clean with good people!!! THIS is her first day. It seemed nice, but I am praying she will get a little used to it. I am preparing myself to get a phone call tonight about her. So that being said I have great support. My brother and sister have been so good to me. ACTUALLY they worry about me alot because I am very close to my mom and I helped her a lot more than they did. Right now after today I am feeling burnt out!!!! SO they told me to take a step back and worry about me. So as I was leaving her at the nursing home tonight, she kept saying to me, "Put me in the room, I might have to pee." She wears diapers but she does not pee or anything in them (which is ok) so she needs someone to help her to bathroom. So she said to me like 5 times, "I hope these people come get me so I can go to bathroom." I said, "Yes, mom, they will." She starts complaining again (BUT let me tell you, my mother was always negative always). So that being said we are used to her complaining blah blah blah!! UGH sorry but today has been a hellllll of day!! I am tired, burnt out, and I am numb. So as she is complaining to me, I feel so bad and guilty but at the same time my mother is not understanding that we are doing and trying everything for her !!!
When care needs increase past minor or intermittent help from 1-2 caregivers to live fairly independently - if care needs are 'round the clock', or include tasks a caregiver cannot do, then a village of helpers is required.
It's old age. Again, it's ok to be sad.
Then cheer yourself, look to the future.. Acknowledge Mom's feelings of frustration/anger/loss too - but then bring her joy. Be her bright loving visitor.
I personally feel it will only get better once you accept why you did what you did. You also have to accept your LO may never forgive or understanding why you did what you did. This is life, sooner you come to terms with safety before preference as the social worker told me the better it will be for you personally.
"Looking for a place for my mom who is coming out of rehab she is immobile and needs care she is 85 years old she does not have much assets at all she is low income. We do not want to put her in nursing home. I heard some places pay for assited living her insurance or some programs help with that. We has her family feel nursing home is not where we want to take her. Please help and let me know some different resources places that they have elderly care where she can live.
I appreciate information."
So your post is a bit confusing when compared to your profile. Is mom in the SNF for rehab or there permanently for the long term?
In either event, give her time to ADJUST. When given an ear to complain into, that's what she WILL do: COMPLAIN. She's nervous and worried about what to expect moving forward and will try laying a guilt trip on you so you'll feel sad and get her out of there. Which is a mistake b/c you placed her in the SNF for her own safety, care and well being.
Your siblings gave you good advice when they told you to take a step back from this situation & worry about YOURSELF for now. Mom is safe and you can worry about her later on. For now, relax, have a glass of wine and remember WHY you placed her to begin with.
Old age is hard, especially when it's combined with disease, mobility problems and ailments. We'd all like to be 85 with the body & mind of a 20 year old, but that's not how it works for the majority of us. If we had our druthers, we'd all like to stay home forever, 'age in place', or have millions of dollars to bring in whatever caregivers we'd need to insure we COULD stay in our own homes till death. But then reality sinks in & forces us to realize that's not going to happen. So we have to cope and make the best of the deck of cards we're dealt. You didn't create this situation for your mother; life did. Life happened to her and you're trying to help her, in reality, which she will hopefully see one of these days.
Wishing you the best of luck with all you have on your plate. Sending you a hug and prayer for peace, too.
I am sure that if she were able to care for herself she would not be where she is right now.
So because this is for her safety and to help her rehab you have nothing to be sad about where she is. This is for her safety and well being.
A Skilled Nursing facility is for people that need the type of care that she now needs. Time will tell if it is for the long term or not. Deal with that as she participated in rehab.
Talk to the Social Worker or contact your Area Agency on Aging and see what services are available to her as she nears the time to discharge her. But while she is there communicate with staff and make sure they are aware of the circumstances. Such as...
Where will she go when she has to leave rehab?
Can she care for herself?
Can you or another family member care for her?
Do you or does another member of the family have the legal authority to make medical and financial decisions for her? Is she competent to make her own decisions? (If the answer to that is yes this can get more difficult/complicated)