Follow
Share

I've been living with my mom and helping her for 3 years and all the time before that I would go to clean her house, make her bed or doing her lawn which I practically put everything in the yard including the grass.
I'll try not make this to long. Mom is very narcisstic as I've found out these last 3 years. She's always put me down to people and even my own daughters. When my dad passed away she gave one of my daughters a lot of my dad's stuff. After we went through the fires, wind storm(with no power 3 days) and then the ice storm we just had where we were without power for a week. I did everything I could to make her comfortable. It got to be too much when she wouldn't get up and do anything for herself. I knew that if she sat and slept in her chair that she wouldn't be able to get up. So call me what you like but I knew she needed to get up. Heck for 3 years she had PT, OTs in and still got lazier and lazier. Its been this way my whole life. I was in the shower one early evening and as I come out, she's telling me to come out there because she thinks she had an accident. Then tells me she called 911 because I wasn't answering her, so they came and heaven help them, they changed her and everything. I could not believe that. Then when we had the outage, we had to stay in a motel and all she did was lay on the bed. So when we got home and everything was okay, I went out for a little while and called them again because she couldn't get up and she was hungry. So they came and made her a sandwich. During the first power out for 3 days. She had called them 6 times. I was running all over the place to get her oxygen bottles and food.
The next night after she had called them cause she was hungry, me getting hardly any sleep and she's taken on to yelling at me about 3;30 in the morning for nothing much. So that next night I came out and she was trying to get out of her lift chair to her walker and she's moaning and groaning that she can't get up. The chair wasn't high enough for one. So I finally got her to sit on her walker and try to scoot in the bathroom. Never did. But then I looked at her feet and they were humongous so I told her this time she is going to the hospital. So she went for a few days then she calls and says she's going into a transitional rehab. Now 5 days later she says my oldest daughter is coming to take her car and sell it (they have no idea she owes more than it worth) and then they are going to see about cleaning up her place and putting it on the market. So here I'm going to be homeless.
I'm heartbroken. But this will be one time where I will not talk to her again. She's hurt me so much through my life and now this. I would have been totally fair with everything.
Sorry this turned out so long. Any suggestions or advice would be welcomed.

Maybe she didn't ask your daughter to take over, and just decided it for her. Your daughter may not want to take over at all. Your mother may be making things up.

Please talk to a lawyer about YOUR rights to remain in the home. Is your name on the deed? You may have some rights as a tenant since you have been caretaking. A lawyer can help you make decisions to protect yourself. You can sometimes get a free initial consultation.

It is time to step back and let others take on the burden. You can call APS and let them know what is going on. You have gone above and beyond the call of duty for long enough.
(0)
Report

If the care burden is too great for one, it is time to step back & allow others to help.

By 'others' I don't mean your daughters have to step forward because you step back. Others being non-family help.

You are now moving forward in your life, which is great! But can be both exciting & terrifying. I say this with kindness, have you got a professional ear, a therapist, to support you through this transition?

With only a quick look, I wonder if sorting out who is responsible for what here would help? Not legally, more mentally. Therapists are good with this stuff. Like what is Mom's responsibility & what is yours. How much you are willing to do, or not do. It doesn't have to be all or nothing. Just being a daughter somewhere inbetween may also work?
(2)
Report

I agree with the advice you have gotten here. Your mom's care is past what you or your daughter can handle! And not to make you feel bad, but why would you let your daughter suffer through your mom's meanness & caregiving duties?

You need to look out for yourself & your daughter. Like Margaret said, if you have to clean out the house, take mom to a Eldery Lawyer, or whatever it is get paid for it! Make sure you have a Lawyer draw up the paperwork so you can get paid!

I am just so sorry that you have to go through all this and dealing with past pain and the betrayal you feel!

Best of luck!
(1)
Report

We often tell people that leaving their own jobs and homes to move in with an elder and be the caregiver will end them up jobless and homeless. We often tell them to flee to a homeless shelter, get a job and begin to save for a room in someones home until a small apartment can be afforded. We hear this story over and over again. Get a job now and save like crazy. You are on your own. Don't move back and don't look back. I wish you good luck. This is hard times for this to happen. Don't wait. Move now in your own behalf.
(1)
Report

Good advice has been given to you. In retrospect, your mom's swollen feet: was she diagnosed with CHF? This would possibly explain her "laziness". Calling 911 when she had a potty accident? I'd count that as cognitive decline. Maybe she was a narcissist in her earlier years, but I don't think that "diagnosis" is going to be helpful moving things to a solution for everyone. I'm not minimizing the impact of her past relationship with you, but you came here for practical solutions and you keep looking at her in the present as if she's the same person as in the past and I don't think it's true any longer. As a daughter of a 91-yr old myself, I've had to come to grips with the fact that I must stop reacting to her as if we're still in 1977 and she still has all her faculties.

Does your mom and daughter know that they must be extremely carefully about money matters so that she doesn't disqualify herself from Medicaid help, which she may very well need, and soon? In my state the application "look back" period is 5 years. Your mom should not be doing anything that would appear to Medicaid as "gifting" of money, assets or property. She would do well to invest in a 1-hr consult an elder law attorney/estate planner who knows Medicaid. It will be eye-opening.

Also, has your mom designated a PoA? If not, then legally managing her care once she is no longer able will become a poop show. If she slides into mental incapacity without a PoA then someone will need to become her legal guardian to make decisions for her. If the family can't afford to do this through the courts, then the county WILL do it. At that point the family no longer has a say in your mom's financial and medical affairs.

There is a lot to understand about what can happen during this journey with your mom. I wish you much success in sorting out your part, if any, and peace in your heart.
(3)
Report

I don't want to sound insensitive to your situation, but this is now about your mom, and the fact that she has come to the realization that she requires more care than you can provide. It's not about you. The fact that she's had to call 911 so many times, should let you know that her care is more than you can handle. And since it's her car and her home, she can do with it what she wants, as she will need that money to pay for her care, where ever she ends up. You should be grateful that you will no longer have to put up with her nonsense, and can get on with your life. So yes, you'll have to find a new place to live, and perhaps even get a job, but your life will now be yours to do with whatever your heart desires. Look on the positive side, and be glad that your mom's care will no longer be on you. I wish you the very best.
(2)
Report

Do you want to harm the relationship with your daughter?

Find a solution by getting mom situated somewhere else.
(5)
Report

Forget about the past, focus on yourself, your daughter and the future. Who is supposed to be getting the house ready for sale? If you are expected to help, get an agreement in writing to pay you by the hour. It can be a long and depressing task, and neither you nor your daughter need do it out of ‘love’. I don’t think 911 will help with house prep! If you are expected to help find AL, get paid for that work too.

Use the time before sale to look for alternative accommodation. Stay on good terms with your daughter, who may need time to find out what a user her grandma is. You already know, but you need all your energy for yourself. Don’t waste your energy on anger about how you have been treated earlier, just make sure it doesn’t keep on happening now. I send sympathy in a nasty spot!
(2)
Report

No judgment from me. I will not make you feel worse. You came here for comfort and you have suffered enough.

I am so sorry that you have been treated so shabbily by your mom.

You are not obligated to care for you. Neither is your daughter.

Please reconsider asking your daughter to suffer like you have.

I sincerely hope that things will start to improve in your life.

Take care.
(7)
Report

Start a Discussion
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter