Gershun, I totally and completely with the statements in your last paragraph. If I had had help, Dad could have lived longer at home, although he was there up until 2 months before he died.
Veronica, you are such a great example of how sharp a person can be into their eighties and even beyond. My Mom who was an accountant all her life couldn't even balance her checkbook in the end. Mind you she was pretty sharp until about age 88.
I agree with your comments about lack of sibling support. If my siblings had all pitched in and even did a quarter of what I did Mom probably could have held on to her independence a little longer. It's hard for one person to do it all. You get tired and maybe miss things that more eyes and ears would have spotted.
My Mom tried to hold on to her independence to her dying day. I think if it were not for that fact she may have lived longer. But she tried to hide things for such a long time that by the time it became apparent to everyone she could not do it anymore the damage was done and she had no choice but to be dependent.
From the point of view as an elder on this forum. 80 in six months, I am deeply appreciative of what our eldest daughter has done for us. She brought a lovely house for us and moved us close to her so i don't mention the things that got downsized that I keep looking for. Nothing really important but I was looking for my jar opener the other day, and no where to be found. I figure if it is something I really need I can replace it. I have suddenly backed into this dependent state so it is not easy to accept the fact that I will be dependent for the rest of my life now. i feel very fortunate to have reached this age having lost all my mother's family before age 70. Our new home is very peaceful and I am really enjoying not having to worry about so much and be responsible for everything. It is daughter's house so she wants things kept nice and tidy which is no problem for me but hubby is another story, The biggest bridge to cross is deciding whether to keep fighting to get better or just relax and let things take their course. That's my view from the elder side of the fence. Ariemethia I know I can never care for anyone but like you I have spent a lifetime caregiving and being the responsible one. To loose a child even one so handicapped is one of the worst losses and your strength can only be respected. As I think FF suggested people don't change but as they get older become more like themselves and clinging to the past is a way of trying to hang on to some sense of normality. It is especially hard when there are others who could help but choose to turn the other way for whatever reason. They kid themselves that the care giver "likes it, has free board and lodging, doesn't need to work and they naturally have very important jobs and of course have to maintain their social life on week ends" After all who wants to talk about changing diapers at the golf club on a Saturday night. "Poor Mary Jane she really has let her self go, her parents could afford to hire people if dad hadn't gambled all his money"
To all who answered....Thank you. We all have varying situations. I took care of my daughter, born 1986. Never walked or talked. Passed unexpectedly 2/10/2017. I devoted almost 32 years of my life, so I know about care giving...:) My heart will never heal from that loss. Six months later, I moved in to help my 86 year old mother and her 92 year old companion........ There are 8 other children between the two of them. I am the only one who has helped. I believe, I know care giving. I also worked 28 years, part time around my children’s schedule. I have realized much about siblings and other family through all of this. If you know about the lifestyle of what is involved with geriatrics, God bless you.
If a parent was demanding when we were growing up they will be that way as elerly seniors and probably both.
With Dementia/Alz the first thing to go, I think, is their reasoning. My mother was always appreciative of what was done for her, my Dad was a little self centered so some entitlement there. I felt so sorry for a family friend who built Mom a shower in the 1/2 bath in her room. He was so excited it turned out so well. Moms Dementia kept her from appreciating it. I really don't think she understood he did it for her.
Me, I would never move in with someone to care for them. Their house, their rules. Moving to my house, my house my rules. Just because they r our parents doesn't mean they have the right to abuse us in any way. I never had this problem with Mom. But if I go to the trouble of fixing you something (and I would ask first if u wanted it) and a snide remark was made or a refusal to eat, then I'd say "do what you want but I am not making something else). Even those elderly that show ni signs of Dementia are still declining mentally. Like children, you don't allow them to get one up on you.
CarlaCB, this really made me think: "I think there is a natural tendency to not want to see oneself as needy or helpless, and that unfortunately translates for some into an unwillingness to see the helper as someone who has a choice and whose sacrifices need to be appreciated. If they act like they expect the help and that they're entitled to it as their due, maybe the helper won't realize that the elder is helpless and needy, or won't realize that the helper has a choice and can refuse to help if they don't want to."
I wonder if this is why my mother expects me to do exactly what she commands and isn't appreciative. (And, remember, she thinks I don't do much at all, because I've set boundaries.) Her common refrain is, "Wait till you're 92!" (And she isn't even 92 yet....)
Not all elderly expect and never appreciate. It is unfortunate that some have experienced this. But I know that both my parents never expected.expect an always appreciated/appreciate. I help care for several church members who are elderly and they never expect and are always appreciative. So I just wanted to say, not all are that way. And sometimes they are misunderstood and therefore some might think they are expecting and unappreciative. Just saying.
My mom is 87, and she has lived with us for 4 years now. She is very appreciative and tries her best to help us out. Yes she sometimes wants things done "her" way, but we work it out. I know this is not what you want to hear.. but sometimes we have to look at everything they have had to give up at this point in their lives. I have to agree with the 4 above me!
GA, I beg to differ about comparing an elderly family member to an employer or boss. After all, you're being paid to work. Employers who are paying you are entitled to hold expectations and make demands.
Just as important, we have free will in choosing our employers just as they have free will in choosing us. We can't quit our parents and go looking for less demanding or more appreciative ones. We can quit helping if push comes to shove, but then we'd be trading guilt and worry for aggravation and frustration. At least I would. :-)
I don't want to make a generalization about that. After all, some on this board are elderly ourselves. I would say that some elderly folks I know personally and many that I've heard about display a remarkable sense of entitlement to the services and sacrifices that unpaid family members are providing them. Even those who, like my mother, reminded her growing children very often that "Beggars can't afford to be choosers."
I think there is a natural tendency to not want to see oneself as needy or helpless, and that unfortunately translates for some into an unwillingness to see the helper as someone who has a choice and whose sacrifices need to be appreciated. If they act like they expect the help and that they're entitled to it as their due, maybe the helper won't realize that the elder is helpless and needy, or won't realize that the helper has a choice and can refuse to help if they don't want to.
Yes, it's aggravating. Especially for those of us who grew up with authoritarian, domineering parents and managed to break free from their control, it's damn aggravating after an adult lifetime of independence and autonomy to be met with the same imperious, demanding parent trying to seize control back again. Except now they're pathetic and helpless and can make you feel like a bully if you fight them off. Aaaarrrgggghhhh!!!!
I'm going to beg to differ with you. Certainly there are elderly people with demanding expectations, but there are also bosses who have high demands. But younger people can handle the stress more easily, since it's primarily at work. With caregiving, it can be 24/7.
I do think though that there are people who aren't demanding, and in fact feel guilty about expecting support, and apologize for imposing on their families.
But when people lose mobility, and face so many changes that compromise the basic lifestyle and self sufficiency they've had over the years, I think that such drastic changes impel them to try to cling to what they've had, and know, and sometimes that can change the demands that are imposed on others.
There's a basic survival instinct that comes into play when basic issues of life are challenged.
Everyone's experience is different. I am lucky that so far at least my Mom is grateful for everything we do for her. I know it is a different story for many people, so I try to appreciate her!
I agree with your comments about lack of sibling support. If my siblings had all pitched in and even did a quarter of what I did Mom probably could have held on to her independence a little longer. It's hard for one person to do it all. You get tired and maybe miss things that more eyes and ears would have spotted.
I have suddenly backed into this dependent state so it is not easy to accept the fact that I will be dependent for the rest of my life now.
i feel very fortunate to have reached this age having lost all my mother's family before age 70.
Our new home is very peaceful and I am really enjoying not having to worry about so much and be responsible for everything. It is daughter's house so she wants things kept nice and tidy which is no problem for me but hubby is another story,
The biggest bridge to cross is deciding whether to keep fighting to get better or just relax and let things take their course. That's my view from the elder side of the fence.
Ariemethia I know I can never care for anyone but like you I have spent a lifetime caregiving and being the responsible one. To loose a child even one so handicapped is one of the worst losses and your strength can only be respected.
As I think FF suggested people don't change but as they get older become more like themselves and clinging to the past is a way of trying to hang on to some sense of normality.
It is especially hard when there are others who could help but choose to turn the other way for whatever reason. They kid themselves that the care giver "likes it, has free board and lodging, doesn't need to work and they naturally have very important jobs and of course have to maintain their social life on week ends" After all who wants to talk about changing diapers at the golf club on a Saturday night. "Poor Mary Jane she really has let her self go, her parents could afford to hire people if dad hadn't gambled all his money"
I took care of my daughter, born 1986.
Never walked or talked.
Passed unexpectedly 2/10/2017.
I devoted almost 32 years of my life, so I know about care giving...:)
My heart will never heal from that loss.
Six months later, I moved in to help my 86 year old mother and her 92 year old companion........
There are 8 other children between the two of them.
I am the only one who has helped.
I believe, I know care giving.
I also worked 28 years, part time around my children’s schedule.
I have realized much about siblings and other family through all of this.
If you know about the lifestyle of what is involved with geriatrics, God bless you.
With Dementia/Alz the first thing to go, I think, is their reasoning. My mother was always appreciative of what was done for her, my Dad was a little self centered so some entitlement there. I felt so sorry for a family friend who built Mom a shower in the 1/2 bath in her room. He was so excited it turned out so well. Moms Dementia kept her from appreciating it. I really don't think she understood he did it for her.
Me, I would never move in with someone to care for them. Their house, their rules. Moving to my house, my house my rules. Just because they r our parents doesn't mean they have the right to abuse us in any way. I never had this problem with Mom. But if I go to the trouble of fixing you something (and I would ask first if u wanted it) and a snide remark was made or a refusal to eat, then I'd say "do what you want but I am not making something else). Even those elderly that show ni signs of Dementia are still declining mentally. Like children, you don't allow them to get one up on you.
I wonder if this is why my mother expects me to do exactly what she commands and isn't appreciative. (And, remember, she thinks I don't do much at all, because I've set boundaries.) Her common refrain is, "Wait till you're 92!" (And she isn't even 92 yet....)
I help care for several church members who are elderly and they never expect and are always appreciative.
So I just wanted to say, not all are that way. And sometimes they are misunderstood and therefore some might think they are expecting and unappreciative. Just saying.
Just as important, we have free will in choosing our employers just as they have free will in choosing us. We can't quit our parents and go looking for less demanding or more appreciative ones. We can quit helping if push comes to shove, but then we'd be trading guilt and worry for aggravation and frustration. At least I would. :-)
I think there is a natural tendency to not want to see oneself as needy or helpless, and that unfortunately translates for some into an unwillingness to see the helper as someone who has a choice and whose sacrifices need to be appreciated. If they act like they expect the help and that they're entitled to it as their due, maybe the helper won't realize that the elder is helpless and needy, or won't realize that the helper has a choice and can refuse to help if they don't want to.
Yes, it's aggravating. Especially for those of us who grew up with authoritarian, domineering parents and managed to break free from their control, it's damn aggravating after an adult lifetime of independence and autonomy to be met with the same imperious, demanding parent trying to seize control back again. Except now they're pathetic and helpless and can make you feel like a bully if you fight them off. Aaaarrrgggghhhh!!!!
I do think though that there are people who aren't demanding, and in fact feel guilty about expecting support, and apologize for imposing on their families.
But when people lose mobility, and face so many changes that compromise the basic lifestyle and self sufficiency they've had over the years, I think that such drastic changes impel them to try to cling to what they've had, and know, and sometimes that can change the demands that are imposed on others.
There's a basic survival instinct that comes into play when basic issues of life are challenged.
Everyone's experience is different. I am lucky that so far at least my Mom is grateful for everything we do for her. I know it is a different story for many people, so I try to appreciate her!