Want to bring elderly mom to my home, but without her dogs.

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Mom lived on her own with 2 dogs, because seriously ill, after weeks in hospital we brought her to stay with me and my husband. Didn’t think she’d make 6 months but with proper meals, companionship, and managing meds she’s quite well now. Have agreed to let her live with us but we do not want her two dogs. We are not dog people. Now the guilt trip, saying we are forcing her to move back to her place because we don’t want her dogs. Feels like she is choosing her dogs over her own daughter. It seems like a trivial thing, but taking care of her is enough work without the smell and mess and upkeep of pets. And we can see more control issues coming. We’ve told her it’s her choice: re-home them or continue living in her own house. Are we being unreasonable?

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I used to volunteer at an animal shelter. If these dogs are surrendered to a shelter they will wither away and die, if not euthanized first. It's a sad situation.
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Being that a real, living being / companion means so much to your mom, would you be willing to reconsider her wishes? If you never bond, you could always give the younger one away when your mom leaves the world. (The older one won't be around much longer.)
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texasbrit, I'm glad your mother has moved out with her dogs, and that you have your house back! As I'd posted previously, I in no way think you were wrong for not wanting her dogs at your house. I wouldn't have wanted them, either.
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texas, we went through almost exactly the same thing with my mom, minus the dogs. We asked her to come to help her out with money, no expenses for her, about 6 months or so.... toward the end it was getting hard - very different lifestyles. The hard part was she refused to move, and I couldn't make myself force her out or evict her, so we all had a hard time for the next 2 1/2 years! We eventually were yelling at each other as I was insisting she leave, and she refusing; when she raised her hand to me, my husband broke it up. The next day she went to her minister to complain and he told her to move back in where she had lived before, which she did. She didn't let us help with the move and hardly spoke to us for about a year, but we've been much better since, even friends now. As an an animal lover, I see your mom's point; it also was a lot about control, and would have become much worse. Seems to me you stepped up to the plate for her crisis, and that's the end of it; you aren't meant to be together in the same house long term, same as we weren't. So if she gets sick again, I hope you will find another solution, as I will; since my marriage is very important to me, too... poor hubby had taken to spending most of his time in the downstairs bedroom - not doing that to him again! Or to her; she was miserable; can you imagine how bad it would be if you had convinced her to get rid of her dogs, and THEN you all found out you couldn't live together? Would she EVER have forgiven you?
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I hope things smooth over with your Mom. I am sorry she has made things so hard, but at least you know she is safe.

For what it is worth, I wouldn't have been able to handle the dogs living with me, either.
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I agree with Ahmijoy. Enjoy the peace and quiet and ur home. By the way, husband said the dogs would have never been welcomed in our home.
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Let mom have her fun. My mother delighted in telling everyone our beautiful house was “a barn”. My cousin even told me he went up and down our street once looking for a barn. She also told the maintenance man at her apartment that she would need help moving because I was too busy to bother with her.

I suspect Mom is having a good time feeling sorry for herself and being mad at you. I also suspect you dodged a bullet when she went back to her own house. Between your animosity and her’s, I think her home is the best place for her.
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I'm sure it doesn't feel like it at the moment, but you seem to have arrived at a fairly good outcome there. I'd hope and expect that in the fullness of time there will be a rapprochement - but one that doesn't involve living together! Plus, you've got your house back...
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Again thank you for your perspectives. Sorry I know people love their pets but I cannot equate them to human beings, to immediate family members. Yes, giving up pets is asking a lot, but its not the same as giving up a child or a daughter. Everyone involved gave a lot to try to make this work. And it just didn’t.

Mom chose to go back to her own house with her dogs rather than rehome them and stay with us. In that final coversation which lasted more than an hour, once she realized we were firm that she had to make a choice, she started attacking, throwing out all kinds of criticisms and judgements about me (this is all my fault because I must still be going through menopause) and my marriage (she complained that my husband spoils me (!). Even complaining about my now adult children and how we raised them. I know she was just lashing out. With each complaint and judgement I just said it sounds like you aren’t very happy here.

She proved there’s little or no dimensia, because the next day she organized some volunteer movers and a rental truck and had her furniture, clothing, and everything else out and set up in her house in just a few hours. She remembered every single nick-nack, every item in our fridge she had bought, and all of her booze. Little stuff that was buried out of sight in the garage she remembered. Didn’t overlook a thing. To be clear, we don’t want her stuff, but this showed me her mind is still operating at peak performance. I think this entire conflict was as much about control as it was devotion to pets.

Now she’s telling folks we threw her out. No good deed goes unpunished, I guess.

I do hope after some months things will begin to heal and we can re-establish a relationship. For now she has cut off all contact. My sister is staying in touch with her so we know she is safe. We are grieving the loss of relationship, but we were already losing it, and would have lost it eventually anyway if she had stayed. But now we are made to feel like the bad guys because we at least tried for months to make it work.

My advice to anyone reading this and considering taking in an elderly parent, be very careful. These boundary and pet issues would be been handled much better before she moved in. Do not make such a huge decision during a health or other crisis. Let the crisis run its course and only later make decisions on bringing them into your home when you can more clearly see and discuss the potential issues and conflicts and not only the crisis in front of you.
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Again, I am not a dog lover. I don't have any cats at the moment because I tired of cleaning up after the last one. D _ _ m if I'd clean up after 2 dogs who were not mine. The compromise for me would be a kennel in the yard with a dog house and protection from the elements. Too hot or too cold they could come in but would be confined to the kitchen or a mud room. Yes, and they would be trained.
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