Mom is not nearly as difficult as many here, and I have a wonderful aide, but the stress is taking its toll. The round of hospitalizations, falls, worries if I can help her out of the wheelchair and into bed, her saying she wishes she would die... and potty duty. I'm jealous of people who aren't caregivers. And realizing that my life is basically over. My health, which used to be great, is deteriorating... paralyzing depression, high blood pressure, migraines much worse. Antidepressants don't work for me and put more strain on my autoimmune hepatitis compromised liver. I couldn't live with myself if I put Mom in a nursing home. When caregiving ends, there will be the guilt, there's already enough of that now. I tend to get frustrated and impatient... I am not cut out for caregiving, but I must. When caregiving ends, there will be the guilt, and not enough of me left. Trying to make peace with the fact that my role is as a servant to my family, but I resent it... not them but the situation, feeling trapped.
Sorry for venting. I feel guilty for resenting caregiving, and inadequate for being so lousy at it, knowing that someday I will miss it. Well, I will miss Mom, maybe not the caregiving. How do you all cope with the loss of your lives? I used to try to hold on to a life and an identity of my own, but now it seems almost like torturing myself to try, better to just be resigned to it and try to make peace with the fact that my reality is Caregiver Life.