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Me and my sister shared care of my mum with dementia and we both decided, as we were both working that she might be better off in a care home..we looked round one and my mum didnt like it n neither did me and my sister, so my sister decided that she was going to leave her part time job and care for her full time. that lasted an hour, mean while i was uneasy with the whole thing and decided i wanted to look after her and she would live with me and my boyfriend full time. my sister was fine until she thought that if i leave my job mums money wud av to make up my wage, as in her attendance allowance and pension and mum had a few thousand in saving n she didnt like the fact that mums money wud be used in that way, even tho if she had mum i would av been happy for her to have it as long as mum was happy and i was gunna support my sister in looking after mum too. but one of the reasons she decided not to look after mum is because in a way she was too selfish to give up her life and care for our elderly mum..which in fact i had thought bout nothing else and talked bout it endlessly with my john n wanted to repay back all her endless love and devotion she has showed us all these years and yes i know i would b hard but i was willing to provided my mum a special and loving home and we did for 6 weeks, but because my sister was the gardianship of mums bank card and she give it me she had lost control of both mum and the card., and because mum now lived with me i changed her address form everything to her memory clinic doctors and of course the bank. mum went to see my sister one day and a bank statment had arrived at my sisters house and mum had lent me some money to pay off a debt so she wanted to know what the money was far so i told her and she said well u should have run it past me first, i said sorry n also i said well what bout all the money u lent of mum, did u run that past me first, no answer from her, i said shes my mum too, n mum was willing to lend it me like she was u, so what is the problem and she said how dare u change her address on her bank account, i said thought it was the thing to do wen u move house, u change everything dont you. she said she had put a note on mums records to phone her up if anybody tried to change it again, well you can guess our relationship has gone from bad to worse, n she said mum doesnt want to live with u anymore even though she loved it here and the case workers came and closed the case saying they were to happy that mum was happy. now mum has been in a care home for three months and shes still not happy, im heartbroken and i really want her back here, but dont know how to go about it because im not sure how much power has my sister got, she hardly visited her and she cries everytime i leave her, i need advise how to get my mum back into this loving and caring home without living under the ice maidens control, shes doesnt care for mum all she cares for is her money, which by the way is only £9.000 thanku and your advice is greatly needed x

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gertie, I understand how you feel. I tried everything to not put my Mom in a nursing home. But after exhausting all other options we finally realized there was no way we could take proper care of my Mom and we transitioned her into nursing care. Or should I say I cause I pretty much did it all but thats a whole other story.

It was hard at first but we decorated her room so it looked so similar to her old apartment that even though there were nurses and other staff checking on her every hour she really thought we had just moved her to another smaller apartment.
Part of that was due to the dementia I realize but I think making her room look real homey helped. Plus I visited often and phoned every day.

Trying to keep harmony with your siblings is hard but trying to present a united front for your Mom is good too. Squabble in private if you have to. But letting your Mom at least think every thing is hunky dory with her children will make her happy as well.
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Show her you love her. Visit often. If you are close enough, visit daily or even more than once a day for brief periods. Get her involved with the activities there. If she is one of the more high-functioning residents she can be a "leader" who helps others.

Bring her little treats. Bring in lunch from her favorite take-out place. Do the things others have already suggested.

But do not try to sneak her out. Do not talk about taking her home. Do not get her hopes up. Do not talk against her other daughter (the one who cared for her for 30 years).

Weight loss is extremely common in some kinds of dementia. Talk with the head nurse and the main cook and see what the strategy is for dealing with it in your Mom's case.

Remember the 70's slogan, Bloom where you are planted now. Well, take it to heart and help your mother bloom where she is planted now. Bring her some sunshine. Leave the darkness of your conflict with sister behind.
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Are you able to spend time with your mum at the care home? That could make a lot of difference in her attitude. Take old pictures if you have any, ask for the stories behind them. Remember that dementia patients usually have clear old memories but don't do well with new things. Can you make her space at the facility look like your house?
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Gertie, you said your sister was too selfish to give up her life to care for Mom. That statement will cause huge problems with your relationship with your sister. The two of you should try to work together for Mom's best interest. Then ask yourself would mom want either one of you to give up your lives to provide care for her? I think most Mom's would answer "NO"! Though I am very well aware that some mom's would have a different opinion.
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thanku babalou, i know it will get worse but at the min shes not that bad and she has had a shit life and she deserves a bit of happyness and shes knows she has been dumped there and she thinks nobody wants or loves her
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Do not attempt to bring your mum home. She has dementia; it's a disease that only goes in one direction; it gets worse. At some point she'll have to be in a care home and she's got more of a chance of getting adjusted now.
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