Visits are hard for me; Mother's Day is up in the air. Any advice?

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Today I was talking to my grandmother to see how she was doing. To recount for a moment, the last time I posted about it she was in the hospital because she said the doctors are saying she is having heart congestive failure problems and will be needing surgery. Fast-forward a bit; she has been home and receiving in-home care from health aides and therapists. Other than rushing there when she went to the hospital's emergency room, I haven't seen her due to work and especially school. Thank God she has been getting visits and care from some family members and neighbors. And I do really mean thanks to you, God.

My mother who lives closer by, also has been going through it and seems to be recovering well from her hip surgery, 'cause she's been out and about. Haven't seen her either, though I have tried and she herself wasn't available for one reason or another. So, in between a busy work and school schedule that's been the same with deadlines every week, I've just been calling them to see how they're doing. So, today in between studying for a test and other work I still have to turn in, I texted my computer savvy mother to say 'hi' because I knew she'd like my special emojis and I'd also not have to end up arguing with her, because she's also narcissistic and usually hard to talk to. And then I called my not-computer-savvy grandmother, who is a bit easier to talk to, but hard in the sense that she is very uncomfortable because she clams up without trying to give you feedback. She'll just listen and go, 'Oh' a lot. Gets frustrating. Somehow I got some information from her today, I guess after getting sick of hearing me probe which I don't mean to do, but like I said she makes me do all the talking because she will clam up. So, I asked if she knew what was going to happen next, and basically she said she guesses after the in-home care stops, she will be going for the heart surgery. Firstly, I thought at her age of soon to be 94, Medicaid always paid for this care? Even though it's only part-time hours, I was hoping it'd keep going especially because she keeps saying 'no' to nursing homes. I told her it should if she told the doctors she still needed it. Because then it wouldn't be as easy to get her groceries and stuff, and I hope she doesn't try to drive her car.

Another thing, I'm so busy I don't even know if I can do Mother's Day with them (I have my usual deadlines for school who doesn't recognize that day as a day off). If I don't show up, it's a wrap for them because no one else will come to visit, or take them out to eat, or such on that day. Plus, my spending money is questionable right now. If I just send cards and call, is that enough or does that seem cold? Would try to send flowers as well, depending on the costs. I know I have to figure this out in the end, but thanks for any feedback you might provide.

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Thanks so much, Surprise.

 I don't always understand what my grandmother is trying to say when she tells me things like the home health care is only temporary. I know how she is, and she'll just go along with what she is told, while I am trying to convey to her it doesn't have to end if she'd just let THEM know, not the other way around. But she may say to them one of her 'Oh's' instead. This is tricky for me, because I'd call the doctor myself, but I would have to ask for the name and number, and this gets her aggravated. And I have to worry about her heart. Trust me, I don't want to go that route, but if she lets it end it will open up issues. But I'm praying like you said, that they'll already know and not just cut her off like that. I'm hearing some crazy medical stories nowadays, so it becomes ambiguous sometimes.

If she is trying to get rid of the aides, she'll have to face it sooner or later that things are not going to be the same, as much as we'd like it to be.

As far as Mother's Day, I agree with that. I always end up scrambling to do something even if busy, but I don't want to risk my schooling.
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We send a card. We are perfectly able to travel and tend to be extraordinarily busy in May with academics. In the card, you can say that you look forward to being able to visit when you are done with the semester. Leave it at that. You are demonstrating the love that Mother's Day is supposed to encompass by calling. If they don't get that, tough.

Don't worry about your sisters' lack of doing. You are only responsible for what you do. You can't change anyone else. 

Don't sweat the Medicaid issue - the Dr. office will figure it out. If she goes into debt to get the surgery, then the debt dies with her. No one should co-sign anything for her at this point in her life. You are not her POA so let it go. Just smile in your voice and say, "talk to the doctor's office, grandma." You sound like a great, granddaughter and your studies are what she would have you concentrate on, not government bureaucracy! 
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Thank you for your words of experience and advice, Blackhole and DeAnna. I have to tell you Blackhole, you described it perfectly in having had to feel like I had to over compensate for my PD sisters. Especially one who lives right here in town and totally ignores everyone, especially my grandmother, and only sends flowers to my mother for the last 10+ years as if she'd already expired. And the kicker is, my mom is not even into flowers. Go figure. But she is into plants instead. Point being, this whole thing is so whack and I'm really tired of racking my brains every year to "fill" in. I even told my grandmother yesterday, who I know I stressed out but couldn't help myself because I've been so miserable family wise for awhile now; I told her I feel like I have had to compensate for my sisters' absences. And I can't do it anymore. I have too much at stake too. What to do, because it's not going to get any better with the mother and grand. They are both declining; don't know one day from the next what I'll hear next. Only God has kept me going. The said part is, I'm happy when not dealing with them. But what will happen down the line? Will I look like I neglected them? Because I NEED my life; invested way too much and it's what makes me look forward to every day, knowing I'll have a more stable future. I hate to say this, but when I stop to think about my family, I feel like it's threatening to take the rug out from under me that I've been working so hard to patch together, piece by piece. I hate this feeling of unstableness.

To answer DeeAnna, no I don't have POA (don't want it the way they don't cooperate with me), my sister down south does. She's more of a show than the one who lives in town, but it is only here and there nowadays. And even if she does offer them to come, they'd tell her 'no' which I'm sick of as well. My mother screamed at me why should she when I live nearby? I replied back why not? She is her daughter too. I know this has enabled my sister to offer without fear of them saying 'yes'. That's the crazy dance I'm going through while I have my own hectic pace I'm dealing with. That's why I need to post. It's my only way to keep from over worrying.
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I'm sorry that your other sisters haven't visited your Mom or grandma for Mother's Day. It's sad when the kids ignore their parents/grandparents until they die and then get bent out of shape over the inheritance. You need to do what is best for you. When you call your mother and/or grandmother for Mother's Day and they make "disappointed sounds over the phone", just say: "(SIGH) I know that it's hard that my sisters haven't visited for Mothers' Day, maybe next year.(SIGH) Well, I've got to get back to studying for my college finals. I love you very , very much." and then hang up.

Regarding your grandmother's Medicaid, you need to talk to the local Medicaid office to clarification. Who is your grandmother's POA? If you are not her POA, you might try your state's Medicaid website for some general information.

Good Luck on your finals!!
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In my corner, Mother’s Day will be another “opportunity” for my guy & I to compensate for his sibs’ and their spouses’ personality disorders. Just like every other holiday and family gathering.
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Thanks for all of your comments. I especially love the idea about Trader Joe's; one of the places I shop at frequently. The thing about visiting is, I would have to factor in the travel time between two different places and I'm squeezing in study and test time without even doing any of that. So, I have to worry that I can miss deadlines that's during the weekend. Thus, my dilemma. I may have to do a send-n-call scenario. I do feel like that should do, given I've done many Mother's Days with them in the past. Want to know how many my other sisters have done in visiting the past 10+ years on that day? Zero. Nada. So, though I feel my mother and grandmother should understand about work and school, I will be getting the disappointed sounds over the phone. This burns me when I think about it while studying (even right now, just taking a break). I can't lie.

By the way, anyone know about the Medicaid issue? Wondering what will my grandmother do if and when it ceases, as she claims?

P.S. I also feel Mother's Day is more commercial than anything. It's mostly because of my grandmother that I do it. My mother would be more fine, but they tend to feed off each other's views; even more so now than ever due to their both being seniors and tending to feel sorry for themselves. 

P.P.S. Frequent Flyer, I think that's adorable about the cats, and lol to Garden Artist. To tell you the truth GA, I used to get Mother's Day cards because of my beautiful dog Peanut (in heaven now). That's my furry baby, so I understand furry parents getting recognition too. We take care of them in a very similar way; playing, feeding, vets, nursing wounds, gentle scolding, spending money, etc. I always said we just don't get to send them off to college, lol. Speaking of college, back to work!
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FF, I'm afraid to ask what the gifts from the cats were.
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Even if you send a card I would make a phone call just to acknowledge the day and let them know they haven't been forgotten, IMO that's the most important thing on any special occasion.
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On Mother's Day I had 3 to celebrate. My own Mom, my ex-mother-in-law [she was THE best], and my God-mother. Ex-MIL and GodMa got home delivery flowers. My Mom loved grocery store flowers, and dinner at Olive Garden, plus a second gift. Oh how my Mom loved Mother's Day professional baked cake.

As they all aged, only my Mom became more difficult to buy a gift, being she was in her 80's and later 90's, she had everything she needed.

I never had any children, so for many years I resented the day. After meeting my sig other, he would get me greeting cards from the cats and gifts from them :)
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My feeling is that special days set aside to honor someone are great, but if the care isn't there throughout the year and especially in emergencies, we're just playing into the massive consumer market of cards, overpriced flowers and other things we might not otherwise buy.

If you can't make it on the day set aside, go another day, and make that a Mother's Day just for you and your family.
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