Very frustrated and angry.

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Feel Helpless and Angry
Hello, I'm New: Part time caregiver for my mother, with congestive heart failure . She was always loving, easygoing and kind but she has become (understandably) very irritable, moody, and takes her anger out on me. As an example, she now wants to move to assisted living because she can no longer tolerate the heat and cold temperatures in her apartment (it IS awful and we cannot seem to get anything done about it), and when I told her we would have to look into it to see if Medicaid covers Assisted Living, she told me that I do not understand, she is going to die in that apartment, and I am mean. I sit here in tears because her illness has been very painful for me. She has been in and out of the hospital, she has fallen and been and out of Nursing homes and she has suffered.
I love her and don't want to see her suffer, but I am limited in what I can do. She keeps saying "do you want me to die in this place?". The truth is, I am trying to rally up my brothers to help with all of this but they don't really do anything. I feel so helpless here and it hurts to see her suffer. It seems like I fail her at every turn. She is so angry with me so often that I feel badly about myself. She does not take it out on the others so much though she is starting to get angry at them now, too. But most of the time it is me. getting the brunt of the anger and I try to understand the hardest.

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Mike you might find that going to therapy yourself might be productive. It must be so very frustrating to be doing your best and not have your efforts appreciated!

Is this how your mom treated your dad? It might be a very bad habit she's gotten into (treating men as incompetent ). It sometimes gets passed down from generation to generation.
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You know her better than I do! - and I completely understand that you'd want to go gently with any efforts to change her outlook at this time of her life. Whatever works best for you, I'm just glad you are doing something to take care of yourself. Best of luck with it, come back and vent if things are getting you down (this is such a nice safe space for it), and do update.
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Country Mouse I really appreciate your comments and your input but I gotta feeling that if I ask my mother to go to therapy or support group with me that it would make her feel bad that I had to do something like this because of her and in her twilight years I don't want to make her any more upset than she already is with me at home so I think I'm going to just go the route and try to deal with this on my own unless it's suggested by the professionals that it would benefit me I'm doing this for me not for her so but if I tell her that I don't think it would be that positive for her so I appreciate the input and I will keep that in my mind
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Ok. Well. That's interesting. So she didn't deny it, or tell you not to be silly, or any of the other defensive things that your typical narcissist/bully might say? This is good! If you tell her *you* would find it helpful if she could go with you to a support group, do you think she might bite? A happier atmosphere would be good news for both of you. Best of luck, please update.
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yeah I just called a support group today to go to I don't know whether she would be interested in doing that or not and answer the second question I have told her how I feel and she doesn't feel like she's doing anything she says I don't know that I'm shaking my head and sighing and and everything else that she's doing I don't realize I'm doing it is what she says
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Mike, this might sound a really stupid question. Have you ever told her how hurt and frustrated you feel about her attitude towards you?
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Mike, have you considered counseling for the two of you?
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thank you so much for your input it does help a lot unfortunately my mother has no means to support herself for live on her own for financial reasons and she won't go live with my sister and brother in law she just wants to live here and its my fault because I made the decision and 05 to buy the home to take care of them because I didn't want anybody to go to a nursing facility unless absolutely necessary she's only negative with me everyone else she is cheerful and happy and does her best to help other people I just feel so bad because she's so angry with me and I don't know what else I can do to make things better so I guess that's where the frustrated part comes in and I love my mother a lot and will do anything for but the negativity towards me has got to stop somehow and I just don't know how to make that happen
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Jackie, I am sorry you're going through this. You sound like a great daughter.

To answer your question, yes, you do see your sibling's true colors when it comes to dealing with an elderly parent. My brother did absolutely nothing, I didn't mind being the caregiver to both my parents, but he would to "visit"(he lived 1200 miles away) once a year for a week and spend no time with them.

Never asked if I needed any help. Back in 2010 I guess you say that I had a mental breakdown and had to be hospitalized. I had just gone through having my mom in one hospital for scheduled surgery and than dad starting have chest pains and had to go into another hospital 25 miles away, so two parents in two different hospitals and no help. I got through it, but add in I was caregiving for both of them at this point in time for 2yrs with no help, and I had a mental collapse about two weeks later. I was in the hospital for about 4 days.

He said on the phone to me "I'm so disappointed in you"... he was skiing in Colorado....LOL. Not "OMG what happened, how can I help, I will come there".....NOTHING.

Mom and dad are gone, I want nothing to do with them. This is just one example.

So I feel your pain, the people who should be there to help aren't.
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Mike, what else to do is to accept that your mother is a very negative person, at least toward you. That is how she is, she isn't going to change. Let it roll off your back.

OR

Decide that you really don't want to live this way for another 10 or 15 or 20 years (!) and help your mother find a different housing situation.

There are lots of other details, such as getting her evaluated for depression or anxiety, having her pay rent or board or some part of her on way, stop giving her things she doesn't appreciate, and others. But the basic choice is between giving her a free ride and accept the fact you aren't appreciated, or helping her to find housing apart from you.

What feels right to you (for the next, let's say, 15 years)
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