tatortots, you are welcome & thank YOU for the early b'day wishes.
Your dad may not 'want' to go into managed care, but sometimes, needs outweigh wants as we age and disease sets in. Your mother is obviously in no frame of mind to care for him at home, THAT is what you need to take into account now. If dad is in the last stages of Alz, he may not be fully aware of what's going on anyway; if his wife is 'spanking him', he's not so well off at home anyway. I'm sure he didn't take that into account when he wrote his will, right? Just keep that in mind, ok?
I made a decision long ago, based on the strained relationship I have with my mother, that I wouldn't take her into my home or move into hers. My dad was a great guy, but my mother came along with the package; so if I took him in, I would have to take her as well. Ergo, into Assisted Living they went in 2014 when dad fell and broke his hip. With difficult mothers, we have to set boundaries down b/c they have none. They think nothing of mowing us down to get their wishes granted. So the 'feelings of obligation' you have towards her have to be looked at realistically. As in, what is it costing YOU to do HER bidding? What will you do and not do? What is she capable of doing for herself that she is refusing to do? What can you let go of and insist she do alone? She's young enough to get help and be independent, regardless of not wanting to. Remember what I said about 'want' and 'need' as we age. Women like our mothers NEVER want to get help b/c they don't feel like they have a problem. They want to push their issues on US, but we have to develop enough of a backbone to say NO, or develop boundaries to say how much we will do and when to say ENOUGH, you know? Otherwise, you'll wind up devoting your life to her and having no life for YOU. That's not ok. You matter too.
As far as her safety is concerned, if she's drinking heavily, she's not going to BE safe, right? That's on her. Are you supposed to babysit her while she drinks to ensure her 'safety'? I don't think so. That's asking too much, even though SHE thinks it's perfectly reasonable! It's not. I have two kids, 7 between my husband & myself. I would NEVER ask them to give up their lives for me! That's not how things should be.
Lastly, you develop a strong mindset by admitting your mother is mentally ill, seeing things for what they are, and agreeing not to stay enmeshed in the dysfunction anymore! This is HER problem to sort out (once your dad passes); you can give her X amount of time and that's all. That's how life works. You are an adult with responsibilities of your own now. I love ya ma but I have work to do. When she needs more help, she can hire more help. If/when she starts to treat you like a beloved daughter maybe then you will WANT to spend more time with her (but don't hold your breath). As you back away, slowly, you take your own life back and feel okay about doing so! God gave YOU a life of your own for a reason! Live it to the fullest extent, as you are intended to.
Hi Sendhelp, We have a hospice care situation where a social worker does come, as well as a few others to help my mom. I am not certain if this is what you meant, but they only stay for a short period of time because of my dad's reaction to 'new' faces. Mom and placement or respite? I'm sorry, I dont think I understand, does this mean they are able to provide this to caregivers as well as the care recipient? *hugs to you back!*
Hi SnoopyLove, I have been trying to figure out a way to meet with a psychiatrist to assist me with my options, but it is difficult with my fiances and lack of time. Although you are right, I'm certain they would not approve and this makes me feel as though I have put this on myself, regardless of what and how she, my brother, and professionals have told me. But now, I'm not sure what the next step is to recover this mistake, and whether I have the 'guts' and heart to do so.
Thanks for filling in more details and context, Tatortots.
Caregiving is difficult under the best of circumstances but I can only imagine the impact having an abusive, alcoholic mother adds to it.
Have you ever spoken with a therapist? If so, do you think they would approve of your moving in and jeopardizing your future, all to try to appease your abusive mother?
Time is such a scarcity in these situations, and I am in disbelief that so many people are doing this alone. I don't know how you all handle it but I respect it so much. Even sharing shifts is stressful and I find myself with no down time except occassional sleep.
Happy early birthday lealonnie and Thank you for taking the time to write with such care. I have been trying very hard to work on self image, and it has been an ongoing battle. Then all of this happened and it has sent me backward when I need to be the most confident. I will continue to try and view the ways you said, and I believe you are right. I hope to have as strong a mindset like you and it is incredible you are caring from the goodness of your heart, as I'm sure it is not easy. My mother has had several chances with accepting help for her emotional well being and she is stubborn and critical of that topic. Unfortunately, we have had the worst experiences with facilities and he stated in his will he does not to be in them. If it is what he wanted, should we support this? As much as I want to move out again, I don't know if it is a good option as far as safety. It seems risky for both her and him to be alone but I intend on moving back to my own home when he moves on to his. I find it difficult to not feel obligated to her demands/requests and I struggle everyday with my dad's progression with his uncontrollable expressions and words that dementia causes. This is where my strength in patience comes in, but inside there is a race going on. How do you handle the feelings of obligation? How do you retain the strong mindset you have developed? Truly I am doing this for him, but I find myself bending to her will also.
Dear tatortots, your story is heartbreaking & I am sending you a big virtual hug.
I was adopted too and I'm now 64 years old next month. What exactly was 'sacrificed' on our parents part to adopt us? That may be the story you were told, but the truth is likely something entirely different. Adopted children should be treated as a gift to the couple who were fortunate enough to receive them. Many adoptive parents feel that way, many do not. My mother, for instance, feels like I was 'second choice' and that SHE was 'short changed' in the deal, having to accept someone else's throwaway. She's told me that quite often nowadays that her filter has vanished. I don't 'owe' her anything; she chose to adopt me, I didn't 'choose' to go into her home and to become her daughter. She made a promise to take care of me and to raise me 'as her own' until I was old enough to take care of myself. Same goes for you. What I do for my 94 y/o mother nowadays is out of the goodness of my heart; not as 'payback'. She too acts like no matter WHAT I do for her is never quite 'enough'. I myself am not 'quite enough' either, in her mind, which is pure B.S. In reality, I am plenty, just as you are. Do not internalize your mother's vision of you; create your OWN vision of yourself as you really ARE: which is perfect, and beautiful and MORE THAN ENOUGH. If you are able to do that, my friend, quite a bit of your anxiety will magically vanish. Adoptees who have these types of mothers seem to grow into adulthood with visions of ourselves that are 'inadequate' and 'less than', as if we are substandard somehow. And that greatly hurts my heart because it's a lie. I say all this to you as one who feels your pain and understands that you're trying to finally be The Daughter your mother always wanted. It won't happen. Be there for your father, to the best of your ability, but don't try to jump through some fiery hoop and get burned for your MOTHER'S sake. Live your life for YOU.
That said, your mother is wrong; she is obviously mentally ill and taking out her rage & frustration on you & your poor dad. "Spanking" the man is a huge red flag & a big mistake. He cannot help his dementia nor the behavior that goes along with it. Your mother is abusing him and she is abusing you as well, expecting you to clean the house, care for your father during the night shift, day shift AND go to school at the same time. Such a thing is not humanly possible. Whether she is 'burned out' or not isn't the issue here; she is your dad's wife and as such, responsible for his care. If she cannot handle it, she can have him placed in a hospice house or in a Skilled Nursing Facility where others can properly care FOR him.
You cannot be responsible for your mother's mental health, either. SHE needs to get counseling and help and ask for it; you can't force that issue. My own mother refused to do so, and blamed my father & I (and her mother) for all of her mental health issues her whole life! Fat lot of good it did, too! I wound up moving out at a young age just to get OUT of the chaotic environment she'd created for us. I think you need to think about moving out again as well. Do what you can for your dad until he passes, but then get out of there. If you can get some grief counseling for yourself, that would be ideal. MAKE SURE you finish your education because that's your FUTURE which is very very important for you. Your dad is at the end of his life now, unfortunately, but you are at the start of yours. It's not a 'bad' thing to feel relief that he's passing b/c it's no life he's living now, with Alzheimer's. Every day I pray for God to take my mother Home b/c she too is suffering endlessly and wheelchair bound, with no quality of life at all.
I wish I had some more magic words to help you through this terrible situation you find yourself in. I hope your dad has a quick & painless transition, that your mother finds help for her issues, and that you are able to move on in peace.
I'm not sure if I should try to make a new discussion about this since I was so nervous posting it. But I feel safer posting this so here goes...
This is my first time reaching out like this. I'm 29 years old helping my mom care for my 80-year-old dad. He has a combination of heart disease and end stage dimentia (Alzheimers). He is a sundowner and fall risk wanderer under in home hospice care.
My mom needed help, so I packed my stuff and moved in. They sacrificed a lot to adopt me, so I feel it is my duty to give back. Yet, I feel my mom resents me and makes me feel like no matter how hard I try, it is not good enough.
I am in my final year of college (online) and the workload is a strenuous 50 hours a week. I have and still am struggling with depression and anxiety, even more so now. This makes academics feel like the Olympics. I feel guilty and a burden, while the other part feels selfish for wanting a future. I'm burning out, if I haven't already. I can't tell. I feel like a roller coaster. My mom doesn't know about my mental struggles, because she believes I have a good life and no reason to feel the ways I feel. When I discussed this further, her anger grew.
I have the night shifts and she has the mornings while we share the day. She is in her 60's so it's incredibly difficult for her but she acts like it's a walk in the park for me. She has always had high expectations of me, and maybe the why she resents me. If I am not on watch with my dad during the day, she gets upset. I am swamped with school and finishing is important to both me and her. It is so important to her that she didn't speak to me until I returned. But really, I am doing it for myself and I want to finish asap.
My day consists of fulfilling her expectations of household chores (she is particular), caring for my dad all of my waking hours, and trying to squeeze in 7-8 hours worth of academics everyday. My mental health complicates all of this. I have trouble focusing. I'm exhausted. I'm trying my best to make sure my dad is comfortable and safe.
My heart has him as priority. My brain has graduation as priority. My anxiety has my mom as priority. Everything feels urgent. Personal finances from funding my education is looking grim, but I won't even go there.
She worries me on another level. She is pretty closed off emotionally with me. I worry alcohol is going to become a problem with her again since she has been drinking. It stresses me out when she yells at my dad for not listening and I'm not sure what to make of when she spanked him. She talks about regretting marriage. I wonder about her health, but she won't talk about it with me and neither will my brother. Don't get me wrong, she cares in her own way but I'm concerned about what she is going through, and how she will be at the loss of my dad. Maybe she feels guilt, and maybe taking it out on me is her release. She must be burnt to a crisp if I'm feeling burned out.
Needless to say, I feel guilty for being a student, selfish for wishing I could get a break, and terrible for thinking his passing will be a relief. Most of all, I want to cry because while my brother is close with my mom, I am close with my dad. He was my support in the family. I have always felt like the odd one out in this family, except for him. But if I cry it will trigger her rage.
How can I juggle caregiving, school, mental health, my mom, and grieving?
I want to mitigate as much distress on my mom, because ultimately it will cost me twofold. Please help me better understand, I just don't have the time to research.
No deleting necessary, unfortunately this type of post is pretty common here. I hope you’ll prioritize your mental health, you’re no good to anyone even yourself if you don’t practice self care. And no matter what anyone’s expectations are, you’re not obligated to try and meet them. You’re only one person and any one person can only handle a limited number of things
It’s OK to vent! Hey, I kind of want to vent too about your situation. Why on earth is a full-time college student (in the midst of preparing for his or her future) being emotionally pressured somehow to do dementia caregiving and manage a demanding mother, while grieving a loss?
I'm just guessing what your troubles are but I think you should search the site for posts and articles on boundaries (site search is the magnifying glass at the top of the page beside your avatar)
Your dad may not 'want' to go into managed care, but sometimes, needs outweigh wants as we age and disease sets in. Your mother is obviously in no frame of mind to care for him at home, THAT is what you need to take into account now. If dad is in the last stages of Alz, he may not be fully aware of what's going on anyway; if his wife is 'spanking him', he's not so well off at home anyway. I'm sure he didn't take that into account when he wrote his will, right? Just keep that in mind, ok?
I made a decision long ago, based on the strained relationship I have with my mother, that I wouldn't take her into my home or move into hers. My dad was a great guy, but my mother came along with the package; so if I took him in, I would have to take her as well. Ergo, into Assisted Living they went in 2014 when dad fell and broke his hip. With difficult mothers, we have to set boundaries down b/c they have none. They think nothing of mowing us down to get their wishes granted. So the 'feelings of obligation' you have towards her have to be looked at realistically. As in, what is it costing YOU to do HER bidding? What will you do and not do? What is she capable of doing for herself that she is refusing to do? What can you let go of and insist she do alone? She's young enough to get help and be independent, regardless of not wanting to. Remember what I said about 'want' and 'need' as we age. Women like our mothers NEVER want to get help b/c they don't feel like they have a problem. They want to push their issues on US, but we have to develop enough of a backbone to say NO, or develop boundaries to say how much we will do and when to say ENOUGH, you know? Otherwise, you'll wind up devoting your life to her and having no life for YOU. That's not ok. You matter too.
As far as her safety is concerned, if she's drinking heavily, she's not going to BE safe, right? That's on her. Are you supposed to babysit her while she drinks to ensure her 'safety'? I don't think so. That's asking too much, even though SHE thinks it's perfectly reasonable! It's not. I have two kids, 7 between my husband & myself. I would NEVER ask them to give up their lives for me! That's not how things should be.
Lastly, you develop a strong mindset by admitting your mother is mentally ill, seeing things for what they are, and agreeing not to stay enmeshed in the dysfunction anymore! This is HER problem to sort out (once your dad passes); you can give her X amount of time and that's all. That's how life works. You are an adult with responsibilities of your own now. I love ya ma but I have work to do. When she needs more help, she can hire more help. If/when she starts to treat you like a beloved daughter maybe then you will WANT to spend more time with her (but don't hold your breath). As you back away, slowly, you take your own life back and feel okay about doing so! God gave YOU a life of your own for a reason! Live it to the fullest extent, as you are intended to.
We have a hospice care situation where a social worker does come, as well as a few others to help my mom. I am not certain if this is what you meant, but they only stay for a short period of time because of my dad's reaction to 'new' faces.
Mom and placement or respite? I'm sorry, I dont think I understand, does this mean they are able to provide this to caregivers as well as the care recipient?
*hugs to you back!*
Just the process of the Needs Assessment Interview,(usually by a social worker), will bring many things to light.
Some kind of intervention may result.
Maybe Mom needs placement or respite?
{{{{{ HUGS TO YOU! }}}}}
Caregiving is difficult under the best of circumstances but I can only imagine the impact having an abusive, alcoholic mother adds to it.
Have you ever spoken with a therapist? If so, do you think they would approve of your moving in and jeopardizing your future, all to try to appease your abusive mother?
Happy early birthday lealonnie and Thank you for taking the time to write with such care. I have been trying very hard to work on self image, and it has been an ongoing battle. Then all of this happened and it has sent me backward when I need to be the most confident. I will continue to try and view the ways you said, and I believe you are right. I hope to have as strong a mindset like you and it is incredible you are caring from the goodness of your heart, as I'm sure it is not easy. My mother has had several chances with accepting help for her emotional well being and she is stubborn and critical of that topic. Unfortunately, we have had the worst experiences with facilities and he stated in his will he does not to be in them. If it is what he wanted, should we support this?
As much as I want to move out again, I don't know if it is a good option as far as safety. It seems risky for both her and him to be alone but I intend on moving back to my own home when he moves on to his. I find it difficult to not feel obligated to her demands/requests and I struggle everyday with my dad's progression with his uncontrollable expressions and words that dementia causes. This is where my strength in patience comes in, but inside there is a race going on.
How do you handle the feelings of obligation? How do you retain the strong mindset you have developed? Truly I am doing this for him, but I find myself bending to her will also.
I was adopted too and I'm now 64 years old next month. What exactly was 'sacrificed' on our parents part to adopt us? That may be the story you were told, but the truth is likely something entirely different. Adopted children should be treated as a gift to the couple who were fortunate enough to receive them. Many adoptive parents feel that way, many do not. My mother, for instance, feels like I was 'second choice' and that SHE was 'short changed' in the deal, having to accept someone else's throwaway. She's told me that quite often nowadays that her filter has vanished. I don't 'owe' her anything; she chose to adopt me, I didn't 'choose' to go into her home and to become her daughter. She made a promise to take care of me and to raise me 'as her own' until I was old enough to take care of myself. Same goes for you. What I do for my 94 y/o mother nowadays is out of the goodness of my heart; not as 'payback'. She too acts like no matter WHAT I do for her is never quite 'enough'. I myself am not 'quite enough' either, in her mind, which is pure B.S. In reality, I am plenty, just as you are. Do not internalize your mother's vision of you; create your OWN vision of yourself as you really ARE: which is perfect, and beautiful and MORE THAN ENOUGH. If you are able to do that, my friend, quite a bit of your anxiety will magically vanish. Adoptees who have these types of mothers seem to grow into adulthood with visions of ourselves that are 'inadequate' and 'less than', as if we are substandard somehow. And that greatly hurts my heart because it's a lie. I say all this to you as one who feels your pain and understands that you're trying to finally be The Daughter your mother always wanted. It won't happen. Be there for your father, to the best of your ability, but don't try to jump through some fiery hoop and get burned for your MOTHER'S sake. Live your life for YOU.
That said, your mother is wrong; she is obviously mentally ill and taking out her rage & frustration on you & your poor dad. "Spanking" the man is a huge red flag & a big mistake. He cannot help his dementia nor the behavior that goes along with it. Your mother is abusing him and she is abusing you as well, expecting you to clean the house, care for your father during the night shift, day shift AND go to school at the same time. Such a thing is not humanly possible. Whether she is 'burned out' or not isn't the issue here; she is your dad's wife and as such, responsible for his care. If she cannot handle it, she can have him placed in a hospice house or in a Skilled Nursing Facility where others can properly care FOR him.
You cannot be responsible for your mother's mental health, either. SHE needs to get counseling and help and ask for it; you can't force that issue. My own mother refused to do so, and blamed my father & I (and her mother) for all of her mental health issues her whole life! Fat lot of good it did, too! I wound up moving out at a young age just to get OUT of the chaotic environment she'd created for us. I think you need to think about moving out again as well. Do what you can for your dad until he passes, but then get out of there. If you can get some grief counseling for yourself, that would be ideal. MAKE SURE you finish your education because that's your FUTURE which is very very important for you. Your dad is at the end of his life now, unfortunately, but you are at the start of yours. It's not a 'bad' thing to feel relief that he's passing b/c it's no life he's living now, with Alzheimer's. Every day I pray for God to take my mother Home b/c she too is suffering endlessly and wheelchair bound, with no quality of life at all.
I wish I had some more magic words to help you through this terrible situation you find yourself in. I hope your dad has a quick & painless transition, that your mother finds help for her issues, and that you are able to move on in peace.
This is my first time reaching out like this. I'm 29 years old helping my mom care for my 80-year-old dad. He has a combination of heart disease and end stage dimentia (Alzheimers). He is a sundowner and fall risk wanderer under in home hospice care.
My mom needed help, so I packed my stuff and moved in. They sacrificed a lot to adopt me, so I feel it is my duty to give back. Yet, I feel my mom resents me and makes me feel like no matter how hard I try, it is not good enough.
I am in my final year of college (online) and the workload is a strenuous 50 hours a week. I have and still am struggling with depression and anxiety, even more so now. This makes academics feel like the Olympics. I feel guilty and a burden, while the other part feels selfish for wanting a future. I'm burning out, if I haven't already. I can't tell. I feel like a roller coaster. My mom doesn't know about my mental struggles, because she believes I have a good life and no reason to feel the ways I feel. When I discussed this further, her anger grew.
I have the night shifts and she has the mornings while we share the day. She is in her 60's so it's incredibly difficult for her but she acts like it's a walk in the park for me. She has always had high expectations of me, and maybe the why she resents me. If I am not on watch with my dad during the day, she gets upset. I am swamped with school and finishing is important to both me and her. It is so important to her that she didn't speak to me until I returned. But really, I am doing it for myself and I want to finish asap.
My day consists of fulfilling her expectations of household chores (she is particular), caring for my dad all of my waking hours, and trying to squeeze in 7-8 hours worth of academics everyday. My mental health complicates all of this. I have trouble focusing. I'm exhausted. I'm trying my best to make sure my dad is comfortable and safe.
My heart has him as priority. My brain has graduation as priority. My anxiety has my mom as priority. Everything feels urgent. Personal finances from funding my education is looking grim, but I won't even go there.
She worries me on another level. She is pretty closed off emotionally with me. I worry alcohol is going to become a problem with her again since she has been drinking. It stresses me out when she yells at my dad for not listening and I'm not sure what to make of when she spanked him. She talks about regretting marriage. I wonder about her health, but she won't talk about it with me and neither will my brother. Don't get me wrong, she cares in her own way but I'm concerned about what she is going through, and how she will be at the loss of my dad. Maybe she feels guilt, and maybe taking it out on me is her release. She must be burnt to a crisp if I'm feeling burned out.
Needless to say, I feel guilty for being a student, selfish for wishing I could get a break, and terrible for thinking his passing will be a relief. Most of all, I want to cry because while my brother is close with my mom, I am close with my dad. He was my support in the family. I have always felt like the odd one out in this family, except for him. But if I cry it will trigger her rage.
How can I juggle caregiving, school, mental health, my mom, and grieving?
I want to mitigate as much distress on my mom, because ultimately it will cost me twofold. Please help me better understand, I just don't have the time to research.
So what’s going on?