Why did I do it? I dreaded it the entire week beforehand. I had good intentions to take her to the city where she grew up but here's what happened....I unpacked some of the van and took her to the room. The beds were way too high for her. Why I didnt' book a handicapped room I don't know. She's 5 feet tall. They moved us to a handicapped room with only one bed! So we left for another hotel. Great room but the heat went out. In the meantime, I forgot a connecting piece for her oxygen tubing so that sent us into fighting like cats and dogs. We finally found a supplier in town. One thing went wrong after another. We both agreed the trip wasn't meant to be. Then the heat went out and we moved again to a 2 bedroom suite which was awesome but We still fought. the last two days we fought less and I will remember our bonding.

I feel SO GUILTY I became a monster calling her every name in the book. I'm in perimenopause and am increasingly full of rage these days. I feel SO GUILTY for treating her that way. She just got on my nerves with everything that she did and in response to her abuse. I think I needed to take a vacation from her not with her. She was abusive too.

Now that I'm on vacation, she called me with a question about where to put her pension statement so the aide from the agency won't see it. I told her to make a list of her questions and call me once a week with them. Fat chance. I think she has cognitive impairment because I tell her over and over what to do and she still asks me the same question.

I feel like I can't get away from her. Why am I so selfish? I should put myself in HER shoes so I stop judging her!

This discussion has been closed for comment. Start a New Discussion.
I traveled many, many times with my husband in the 9+ years he had dementia. I would do it again if I had the chance. But none of those trips was a vacation for me. It helped that I knew that going into them.

Smitty, you sound like you are not pleased with your own behavior right now. You say "I'm in perimenopause and am increasingly full of rage these days." I went through that myself. (I also had postpartum depression after both child birth experiences.) Some women to suffer this way with hormonal changes. It can be treated! I resisted my doctor's urging to try a pill but when I finally gave in it made the world of difference. Taking care of mother will still be hard, but at least you'd be doing it as yourself, without interference from this hormone-crazed monster who inhabits your body sometimes!

This reminds me of one of my pet grievances. When I say I need a vacation, people ask me why I don't pack up with my mother and go here or there. And I wonder what part of the word "vacation" do they not understand?

Smitty, try not to be so hard on yourself. I did the same thing. I took my mother to her 65th High School reunion and for me - it was a disaster (I was in the same exact state as you) but I'm glad she got to see her friends before they all start to die. You are not selfish. A vacation should be pleasurable ONLY when you don't have to "work" it! Next time, get your mom some care and go on YOUR vacation with your girlfriends. I am always asked by my mother to take a cruise but I said ONLY if you get some help b/c I want to relax also.

If it seems that your mother is losing her faculties, you might want to get her evaluated ... if she is on oxygen, she definitely has lower brain functioning. Another reason not to feel too guilty (I stress TOO guilty) - she will forget what you said. I wish you luck Smitty!

Subscribe to
Our Newsletter