I took care of my mom with dementia for past 3 years, couldn't work, used up 90,000 of savings, have 3,000 left and siblings won't help.

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Asked sibs for some help, answer was NO. I did not ask for reimbursement for caregiving, but $4,000 (out of $10,000) for work I'd had done on my moms house to get it ready to sell. We would be doing these repairs now and all paying for it. I am feeling very depressed and vulnerable, being down to $3,000 in savings, plus $25,000 in credit cards. I quit my job 2 years ago to take care of my mom. I am now looking for a job but am 57 y.o so it could take awhile. While caring for my mom, I developed high blood pressure and am on medication for that. I also need to lose 30 pounds and am working on that.

My siblings in charge of my moms estate said that "everyone has pitched in for mom over the years" and so this might open up a can of worms if they pay some to me. I said, but nobody else was out of a job for 2 years and used up all their savings. I feel like I need some therapy, but it's expensive and they won't take credit cards. I just feel so depressed that my siblings, who I've always been close to, are acting as though my contribution of taking care of our mom for almost 3 years does not count for much and that they would not support me when. I am at such a low point. I fear that I will never fully trust them again. We are all inheriting about $25,000 each from our mom, so they tell me to just wait for that to get to me (could be months).
After all I did, I will have no money left after I pay off my credit cards. They will all have $25,000 from my moms estate. All I asked for was $4,000 to help me out right now (it would come out of my moms checking account so wouldn't affect the $25,000 inheritance. What do I do to get rid of this anger, hurt and resentment?? It's really eating me up and all I can think about at times.

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errata - next to last paragraph should read "agreements OR documentation...".

I think this is what 97YearOldMom referred to when she suggested that the OP might consider this if she had "sufficient proof."
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I'd just like to address the issue of a potential lien against the mother's house. This is not to contradict 97YearOldMom's advice, but rather to offer some insight into property liens.

For a non-governmental "creditor" to file a lien against property, there has to be a basis for that property lien, whether it's based on an "account stated" situation, work done but not paid for, mortgage, etc. The parties have to have agreed that one party would pay the other party for work. And the agreement has to be documented.

If I understand the poster correctly, none of these conditions existed before the work was performed.

Therefore, I don't think either the requisite agreements of documentation were in place, and therefore there is no basis on which to file a lien against the property.

I just wanted to clarify this in the event that others might think it was an appropriate avenue to sue and get remuneration for work that hadn't been agreed to and/or documented.
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First of all. I'm glad you have a home and a husband. I'm sorry you are needing this money and can't get it from those you were counting on. Go to an attorney. Ask if you have sufficient proof to file a Lein on your mothers house for the $10,000. If so, the lien will have to be paid at closing when the house is sold in order to pass clear title. That won't get you $4,000 now but will gain you an extra $10,000 when the house is sold. Also, check with the attorney on the laws of your mothers state on when an inheritance has to be distributed. I think it's two years in some places. So again, it won't get you your money now but you would know by when you could expect it. Is there any chance that the money is gone? That your sister who had POA misappropriated it? I have also read that the named executor of a will doesn't automatically have the right to be the executor. Ask your attorney what it would take for you to be named executor of your mothers will. If your mothers money is invested and the executor doesn't want the estate to pay a penalty, ask what the penalty is. You could agree to pay the penalty out of your share. Drill down and find out why you are being told no. You might be able to mitigate the problem. I reread your last answer and see they are saying months? If the money is in the bank why would it take months? Is there a concern that outstanding bills might come in and the funds wouldn't be there to pay them? Perhaps an attorney has advised your sister to not distribute the funds at this point. I wish you had a reasonable explanation from her so you could try to understand. Have you taken that walk? I want you to feel better soon.
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well i can finally get that dire straits song out of my head . now ill be making taint jokes for a week .
my mental triggers are touchy .
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I really don't understand how you wound up spending so much of your own money. Mom wanted to sell her house and YOU paid for udgrading it for sale. The question about whether that is a good thing to do or not aside, why wasn't Mom spending her own money?

And then she got dementia the house sale was not in the picture. Why? Did the house sit empty? Was it rented out? Who paid the upkeep those thee years.

Mom moved in with you. She obviously had money -- there is even some left as an inheritance. So why on earth wasn't she paying her own way? OK, you didn't want to charge her for taking care of her -- what what about room and board? What were you thinking to spend $90K of your own money over this period?

If you were thinking that your sibs were going to reimburse you for some of the costs you should have verified that and worked out the details at the beginning. To expect them to honor an agreement that was never agreed to doesn't seem appropriate to me.

If I were your sib and you'd asked me to pitch in financially my answer might very well have been, "Mom has more cash and assets than I do! Why don't we just spend her own money on her care?"

In other words, different well-meaning and sincere people can look at the same situation and come to different conclusions about what is the best way to handle it. You made your decision. Being resentful that others didn't make the same decision or didn't decide to pitch in financially is really only hurting you.

I think you've made some good and honorable decisions about caring for your mother and along with that you made some poor financial management decisions. I've made LOTS of poor financial decisions in my life. I'm not proud of them, but I don't consider them a moral failing either.

I think you need to accept the consequences of your own actions, and to not make it worse by becoming estranged from you family over it.
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angryandsad, I wish you had come on to to the group before you quit your job to care for your mother, and to use your money while taking care of her. We would have said Don't Do That. It's a bit late now, so all you can do is look to the future and getting back on your feet. Don't even think about therapy until you can afford it. Hamburgers and peanut butter are very good until you can get your feet back under you. Maybe you can move to a city that doesn't cost so much. There are a world of options open to you. I hope you can find a new job quickly. I know at 57 it may take a while, but I know there is work out there.
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Everyone is telling you to buck up, and that's great advice. I just want to validate your anger at being let down by your siblings. You know how much you did and what it cost you, and it hurts to think that her other children don't appreciate that.

I'm sure there are things you could have done differently, but remember, you were up to your ass in alligators. There wasn't a lot of time or emotional energy available for strategizing. As you suck it up and move forward, give yourself a big pat on the back for doing right by your mother.
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Glad, you are so right about house flippers. That is why I am not doing anything in my parent's house as whomever buys it "'as is" will probably redesigned the kitchen.... rip out the old damaged carpets and put down hardwood.... redesign the master bath.... put in new windows... demolish the sunroom... etc.

If I was 20 years younger, I would have had the energy to do manage the remodeling myself, do some of the work myself, and sell it for more than the cost of remodeling. But that ship had sailed... there are days I am too tired to replace a lightbulb :P
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Here is the stat on what it cost to quit work to care for a loved one. Glad's right, it taint pretty! We tend to forget about the benefits we lose.

On average if a working person quits work he/she will lose over the years between $285,000 and $325,000 which includes not only loss of salary over those years... it also includes the net worth loss of the health insurance coverage.... loss of money being put into Social Security/Medicare..... loss of other benefits such as matching 401(k).... profit sharing.... workman's comp insurance.... company sponsored life insurance.... vacation pay, sick pay.... tuition assistance, etc. [source: in part Reuters 5/30/12]
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Be careful fixing that house! One sib, mom's poa decided to put new wood floors and granite counter tops on top of forty year old cabinets to try to get more money on the house. I warned her that most sales in the area were flips. She did not listed. Spent the money, listed the house at 700k, sold four months later at 620k to a flipper that is going to tear everything out. Hopefully countertops can be recut and new wood floors resanded and refinished!
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