Upset with my two grown daughters who never call my Mom.

Follow
Share

My Mom is quite ill and getting worse. Now dementia is happening. I help care for her but don't do the whole job on my own. I have told both of my grown daughters that their Nana is nearing the end and that now that dementia is setting in, if they have anything to say they need to call her now. They have not called in two years. She was like a second mother to them. I have asked around 3 or 4 times in the last several years.
I am angry and Mom is hurt. What is wrong with kids today. Its not like they have to take care of her or anything. Any of you all have this happen? What do you tell your Mom or Dad who is hurt and asks why they never call

This discussion has been closed for comment. Start a New Discussion.
23

Comments

Show:
1 2 3
Prior to your mom reaching this stage I hope you asked your daughters to stay in touch with their grandma either by letter, cards, pictures, or phone calls. When my grandma was in her last hours I received a call from Mom. She said I better talk to Nana as she was now in the hospital (Mom's way of saying Nana was dying). I lived 600 miles away. 1) I wish she told me how bad Nana really was before that day. 2) When I called Nana on my mom's recommendation, that was when it started to dawn on me that Nana might be dying. 3) Nana was quickly cremated and put in a place on the other side of the community she lived in. Several times over the years, I asked Mom to take me out to where Nana's ashes were 4) Mom would never take me there and never gave me the name of the place. To this day I don't know where Nana's ashes are. 5) Fast forward to Dad's impending death: my sister and I weren't being given the full story until Hospice got involved. (Now both of live about 2,000 miles away) 6) My brother helped Mother and Dad when he was dying as my brother lived about 4 hours away 7) I wish I had been told sooner how bad Dad was as by the time I was told of Hospice, Dad could not talk though he recognized everyone 8) Before Dad's death I was told by my mother and brother that neither of their two sisters/daughters needed to come home as there was nothing to change the outcome, nothing that would help 9) Along with not being needed and nothing we could do both my sister and I were told we didn't need to come to services 10) Mom kept saying she didn't think they would be doing anything - so again why come?? Looking back I think it was all my Mom's way of initially denying anyone was dying and death is always a trying time for families. With much prompting, my mom finally called me and asked if I wanted to come home??? My sister claims she was told but not offered/asked to come home??? Now, my sister has bad feeling for Mother because Mother neglected to keep her daughters in the loop and didn't let her "bury my dad". I had to explain to my sister (over long distance phone) that I only got to come to help bury Dad because I was persistent to the point of saying I needed money to travel. I told her maybe that was also part of the reason she didn't want to say or ask much of her daughters. All said, I'm not upset at all with Mom, but my sister is. She feels excluded from the death rituals of both grandmothers and Dad. Again, I hope your daughters don't have lingering feelings beneath the surface as I'm sure none of you mean anything bad or disrespectful. Your daughters will come to their own conclusions as to how everything is the way it is. Try to let it go and if anything try to talk about their Nana and you'll probably discover they loved her much but didn't quite understand how to handle everything.
(0)
Report

Whitehorses, I don't think your situation is unusual in the caregiving world. It's not a pleasant fact, but a fact nonetheless, that many times, family members just conveniently "forget" that the elderly family members exist once someone else steps in to take care of them. My neices and nephews rarely visit my mother since I moved in to care for her. Oh, they expect me to bring her to birthday parties and family affairs so they can see her, and they gush over her and hug/kiss her, offer to get her food if we're having a meal, or do things for her....but other than that, they're not around. It smacks of "look at me, and how much I care for my grandma" when we have these family gatherings - because they don't bother with her any other time. They don't call to see how she's doing, they don't stop by to visit (they live about 25 miles away, but they work only 5 miles away - a quick stop after work would not be difficult), and they don't even bother to see her on holidays. I've just kind of gotten used to it, I guess.
(0)
Report

My love 74 one who I'm caring for after a stroke has 2 sons his oldest has never called even in hospital his other came to visit twice. The first visit was briefly and under the influence the next day went to his house and was taking stuff said that we gave him permission. My opinion he only visit if he gets something out of it. 2 grand kids the never have called him since we've been together I'm sure when the lord calls him home the vultures will be circling
(0)
Report

Your daughters are adults. You can't force them to do anything they don't want to do. If your mother is angry at them it's not your fault; you asked them to contact her and they didn't. Case closed. If your mom complains, tell her you did your best and change the topic. Fuming won't help.

As for what's wrong with kids today, people have been asking that question for thousands of years. Some kids are good about staying in touch with their grandparents. Mine is, but that's his choice. He has a big heart, as do his friends. I think the idea that Generation X-ers and millenials are greedy and materialistic is untrue. I know many kind and considerate young people, as well as members of "The Greatest Generation" who are selfish pigs.

Maybe your daughters don't like you badgering them. Maybe there's some problem between them and grandma that you don't know about. It's not your problem.
(0)
Report

Of my three girls only one calls her grandmother. The other two never. Why? Mom never called them, ever. She never came to their weddings, high school graduations, college graduations, nothing. When they were 15 and 13 (twins), she announced that she was not going to travel anymore and we had to come to visit her. She was healthy and only 67 years old. She lives 10 hours away, so we could only visit in the summer. So they grew more and more distant. BTW they are now 30 and 28 years old.

I have to give credit to the one who does call her. But she tells me "grandma is so cold, she never even asks about me or my life".

So if your kids were close to your mother and she has been a wonderful grandmother, they may come around in time. I just hope it is soon and they are not sorry for not doing more sooner. My girls really don't know my mother and it is 100% her fault.
(0)
Report

Whitehorse it is what it is....
(0)
Report

Whitehorses, just my instinct but I think you would enjoy the quilting artwork of Deirdre Scherer: dscherer/Statement.shtml. if the link is deleted, google her name. Her art quilts focuson elderly people at various end stages of life.
(0)
Report

Thanks to all. I think I have come to the conclusion that it is what it is. I have tried a number of times and my girls just resent me for it. It is true that when you are young, you just don't give things much thought. Older people are, as if, "invisible" to most people ... and don't seem to matter much. Sad but I think true. They are treated disrespectfully in general by society that loves youth and the young are hardly aware of their existence. They certainly don't understand that beneath the old face is still a 'human being' there with needs to be loved and cared about. We learn all of this as we age and are faced with difficulties in our own lives. We learn we are not immortal and all powerful.
I cannot change them. What I might get is one phone call out of them, but on any kind of a regular basis, no way. Must let it go. If they have not responded by now, and get upset at the mere of idea of being asked to make a phone call once a month (which is what they did), I have no power over the situation.
Thank you all.
(2)
Report

I talked with the noncommunicative sibling and hope her sending a card every once in awhile would be appreciated by mom. Well, guess what! She did that, once a week for several weeks. When I thanked her for doing it, she stopped. Nope, not at all dysfunctional! :\
(1)
Report

Whitehorses, I meant to send the cards to your daughters, ask them to write something like "thinking about you, Grandma", then send it from there, so it's postmarked from their area.

They'd also have to be coaxed to pretend they sent the cards if your mother calls them. If they can't do that, it might hurt your mother more than if they didn't send the cards in the first place.

I was trying to think of a way your mother could feel that they're still involved and only create a minimum of effort on the part of your daughters - it wouldn't take them much time to just sign and send a card.

Perhaps they could write that they're busy with their jobs, list all they're doing, etc. But sometimes then grandparents will think..."you can do all that but you can't call me?"

Jessie makes good points though; perhaps they're just not comfortable with older people, the aging process and the eventualities. I recall when my grandmother was older and slipping closer to death that my mother, sister and I went to visit her while she was living with my aunt, but it never ever occurred to me to call her or write her as I knew my aunt was taking good care of her. It's amazing how naive I was at that age and didn't even realize how much older people need support.

Sometimes awakenings don't occur until people are much older, much, much older.
(0)
Report

1 2 3
This discussion has been closed for comment. Start a New Discussion.
Related
Questions