Update with brother issue

Lisa, up until your last post I assumed there was some sort of homeostasis. You’ve maintained that you’d never apologize to brother or go over for their Friday night occasions and that you two were mutually avoiding each other.

And then dad bawls about how you must apologize, and then you’re doing it at some family dinner? No wonder you’re angry considering what you have said about both these scenarios.

See, even if you were 100 percent right on all your judgments, you can’t change reality.

Which is that your dad is gonna have to accept that he’s not the fixer of you and brothers troubles. It’s not like when you were 5 and he would just order you two to apologize.

The reality is, Lisa, that you just want your brother to validate you, ask what you think. But he won’t.

I don't care about anymore answers. Move and live your own best life and let your brother and his wife live theirs. Money can't buy respect, love or happiness. It doesn't matter what you think of their lifestyle or attitudes. Let them be.

Yet another chapter in this ongoing saga.
I would like to suggest you take your own advice, Lisa, and DO move away again. You are clearly spending a lot of time with people you don't like, and who don't like you. I am certain, were we to ask "why" you would have answers. But I really don't care about the answers anymore.
If you want to spend time with these unpleasant people, that's up to you.
Your choice. I doubt you will get a whole lot of sympathy for it. One tires quickly of the "poor me" victim tales, especially when one never hears the other side. I suspect your brother doesn't dislike you because you have too little money. I suspect he just finds you annoying.
God, I would love to go for a drink with your bro!
Do move on. Find a place to live with people you like, who like you as well. This is your one life; time to stop wasting it in this manner.
Wishing you the best in a good move to a fine place with stellar folk.

Lisa, you were right. This apology has not created any peace in your heart and it appears not your brothers. And to be fair you were making similar comments about brother before this.

My father broke down, sobbed and told me that I needed to apologize to my brother. The next day we had dinner at my father's, my brother, his wife and my nephew. We're all sitting there at the table and I say "I very sorry that I hung up on you and this all happened." My brother just nodded and says "Yea". That was it but then all through dinner any comment I made about any subject was totally dismissed as unreliable and solely based on the fact that they ae rich, own lots of real estate and multiple luxury cars and I am not anywhere near that level. For example, the subject of inflation came up. I said "The higher interest rates hopefully will be effective and not damage the economy." They were like "Yea, right. How would you know?." (I heard it on the news a number of times and that makes sense to me),

It was so humiliating to apologize for his antagonizing actions towards me and then treat me like this. That however has been going on for a couple years now. Money really can "go to one's head" making one feel superior and people who has less. The lesser people have no credibility and no right to anything over them. I'm preparing to move the heck out of here asap. He can take care of my father. I wish I had a family when moving away was to be celebrated, like a going away party. This is going to be a painful ordeal but at least then I will be free from this nonsense.

I visited with my father today. I will say that I am so grateful that I was able to move here and be so close, regardless of what has happened with my brother. What I have explained is the basic situation but writing does not capture all the complexities of relationships.

Thank you everyone for "listening" and your kind and helpful words.

JoAnn29, thank you for your reply. I do feel that way but what really hurts now is that I have given up the last decade and a half of my life for my family and now I know there will be no reconciliation unless my brother apologizes which I can not see happening.

What is in his "favor" all around is that his wife's money buys him lots of respect from everyone, everywhere. For example, his is on the board of a well known community group that helps people. But the reality is him and some of the people on that board only are there to help themselves look good in the eyes of the community. The organization does good, for sure.

So no matter what, unless people are smart like you, I will in their view be the problem. Maybe that the best thing for me - I'll only be able to get along with mature people can see what's really happening in situations. People who can not only "see" but are not affected by wealth, wealth that they think might rub off on them if they suck up to the wealthy.

You think you did something wrong because you didn't want to put up with ur brothers s _ _t! Your Dad is wrong and its your brother who needs to apologize.

You are an adult and as such you are entitled to respect. People treat you the way you allow them to. You had a right to hang up on your brother. You need to start standing up for yourself. If you don't want a confrontation thats OK I don't like them either but you don't stand there and take it, walk away. Hang up the phone. Say N0 Dad I am not apologizing because I had a right to hang up when I am being talked to like that.

I have a brother who has taken over mother's care 100%--slowly over the years. He doesn't do the job the way I or my sibs would like to see, but mother is 'captive' in his home. She is unhappy, to a degree, as YB won't allow anyone to clean for her or do anything for her. She is 92 and basically immobile.

I've had a few knock-down-drag-em out fights with YB and finally I gave up. She can complain night and day about his 'care' of her, but when she won't support me or anyone else in our 'help' we have all given up.

Families are great until they are not great. I imagine when mother dies, our family will implode completely. I don't see myself caring enough to foster a relationship with my YB.

Mother SAYS she wants us all to 'get along' but she doesn't mean it. She likes the drama.

Lisa, who is now in charge of the aides that used to tend to your dad?

Sounds like the same old same old.

Thank you. I think though that my brother does not even think he antagonized me. At best he thinks that I deserved to be treated the way he did. First he started in on how he was moving my father to assisted living (my mentally competent father had no clue) and he would not let me even ask any questions about it. I then changed subjects, there was a serious incident in my father's neighborhood the day before and my brother would not even allow me to tell him what happened; he was treating me like a child "I don't want to hear it. If you say one more word I'm hanging up.". So I hang up.

The good thing is my father still has a relationship with both of us.

Many states and counties have family mediation services.

"Family mediation is a dispute resolution process that allows families to settle disputes including divorce, custody, and elder care outside of court guided by a trained mediator. With the help of a family mediator, you will make your own decisions and resolve family disputes creatively."

Source: https://www.ericksonmediation.com/family-mediation-mn

The goal is that no one gets cut away from your father, who will ultimately be the one who suffers most as he declines among the endless dysfunctional and immature bickering. Just a thought.

You can see who is calling with any cell phone. You can also block them, which would be frankly best.

Your dad doesn’t have a right to make you apologize to brother or even stay in touch.