Hello everyone, I'm a returning caregiver from last year. Some of you may remember me from last year when I shared my caregiving experience and how I was planning to leave home and start my own life. Things didn't go well at all last year and I ended up making a terrible decision in act of desperation and lost the income I had to move to a new state away from caregiving for my parents.
Through that experience, I did discover that my brother was not on my side and gave into what my parents wanted. I got tripled talked down, and eventually I broke and started leaning onto people for assistance. There was person I met last year that I foolishly thought had a place for me. This story to that in too complicated to explain, but I thought one of my many life long dreams of moving overseas was coming true and did as much as I could to make it reality and it all fell apart.
I did leave my abusive caregiving situation at that time, which was extremely difficult, stressful and frightening. But when I got in my car (yes I did buy a car), and drove away to a hotel, by all things holy, I felt freer than I ever have in my entire life so far. I felt independent, I felt like I could trully be myself, not what I was trained into doing, and I was collecting myself for the trip ahead. I lived temporarily (a few days) in an extended stay hotel so that I could cook much healthier, I could walk around at any time a night to clear my head and exercise my body and to enjoy the solitude of my own room. I eventually took a journey to upstate New York and it was the Toll free route. I enjoyed that part of my trip. I experienced the beauty of nature, the fun of driving and the ability to interact with different people everywhere I went.
Eventually I made it to my destination, was stood up, and I had to reluctantly come back home. Before I left my home, I was afraid to get my legal documents. It may seem simple to some of you, but my mother at that time, kept everything in her room and buried so you could barely get to it without her help. However, I wish I had found some kind of way to get it, because when I got stood up, I was left with no way to get myself established there, and had to go back home.
I basically cried the moment I got to my home street and had a mental breakdown while driving. I was hoping to get some funds so I can get to Minnesota like I originally planned, but I had basically blown any chance of moving on at that point. My mom wouldn't give me my birth certificate because of her personl info on it, and had to request an updated one. That took about a few weeks to a month, but she held onto my birth cert and never told me she received it. When November of last year rolled around and I sold my car for money, she finally gave me all my documents, and when I looked in the envelope, I realised she received my birth cert way back in September. I was relieved to have it, but was severely upset. I had eventually given up hope at that point, but the money I got for my car was enough to pay of any leftover bills I had, then I was free from that.
Now it's 2016 and I'm still caring for both. I've had to submit to everything here and things have been better on the surface, but I'm not fool in that way. I've been given money for dumping my father's urine, and working hard to keep the house clean. I've also been working hard to get my self-employment business up so I can bring in income, but the process has been grinding. To make myself feel better, and to get exercise I've been working in our back yard to get it to look better.
I've been humbled to say the least, but I'm still deeply upset and saddened by mistake last year. If I had known nothing would come out of the interaction with that person, I would have taken myself and my car to Minnesota and be living a pretty great life. Now all I do is occasionally look at all the documents I collected on that place, and try to comprehend how I could abandon myself in such a way.
I'm not on here asking for anymore help. I have to build up my finances from scratch before I can trully ask for that anymore. And while things are going great and we are working together better, it does come at my expense. My father fell the other day and I just yelled that my mother get us some help and she didn't know what I meant or refuses to. My brother no longer comes over and he gave me a cold shoulder when I came back last year. I no longer have or can even maintain friends anymore after the huge distrust I experienced. I've been working hard since then, to be silently independent, before I can speak up again in a way I want.
In say that, I'm grateful for those who did try to help and advise me last year, and for myself for being brave enough to try. I hope my experience helps others as young as myself, know they aren't alone, and that sometimes we do have to make sacrifices, and I think this is God showing me that in full strength. Have to make it work.
Take care all and Blessings.