Update from LauraL re: Both parents; good grief.

Every time DH would have a phone call with his mom, he was coming away grumpy, irritated, and very hurt. We finally came up with a solution -- using the speaker phone on high volume while using the mute button. It was a phone way to gray rock.

The phone went into his front pocket or he'd lay it down close by and go about his business minimally listening while she talked and talked. If she asked an actual question needing answered, he'd quickly unmute, say something non committal like "uh-huh" or "no" or "that's for later" and then remute the phone. Because of her dementia and hearing, it didn't really matter what she was told anyway as she only heard/knew what was already in her mind anyway. Through this method, it accomplished her feeling heard, he didn't take in the emotional stress of her rants and raves directed at him, and he stopped resenting his time being sucked up by her thereby leaving him in a much better state when the phone calls ended.

Plus much of the time he didn't know EXACTLY what was said so he also stopped being as frustrated having to listen to the same stuff over, and over and over.

Maybe something to consider?

Hang in there Laural.

Thank you, way and alva.

Way, being shunned by your sibs is so much more hurtful than by what I'm going through with my cousins. I'm so glad to read that your sibs have been returning to your life, slowly but surely. Reading that your brother has re-written history in his mind re: what he did/didn't do with your parents left me shaking my head.

Alva, your parents sound like nice people. That was funny about your mom not liking the word "pee". My mom hates the word "fart". But she sure likes using the "f" word when it suits her!

I look forward to the day when I can shrug about all this. I might be getting there since the no inheritance threat from stepmom left me laughing. Dad and stepmom barely saw me while I was growing up and Dad rarely paid child support, and now I'm supposed to be their slave? Don't think so.

My mom will probably disinherit me next. Go for it, lady - same situation - there won't be anything left and I'm not going to lose any sleep over it. Her mom was almost out of money when she died at 105.

So tired of their continual dramas. I think I'll stop answering the phone or reading emails for a while. Give myself a big break from all three of them.

Hugs to all and Happy New Year!

Listen to your hubby .
I know the shunning hurts . I was shunned by my siblings , all of whom I babysat all of their kids at one time or another in my makeshift family daycare in my home , when they were very young .
One by one they have been coming back , communicating here and there as if nothing happened .
I don’t know if it’s because of recent death scares in our generation or the fact that they have had to deal with some caregiving/ placement in facilities for their in laws , so perhaps they have been enlightened . 🤷‍♀️
I have one mentally ill sister that I remain no contact with , since she is very toxic .

You don’t have to subject yourself to caregiving to appease these cousins etc . The memory of things will change with time no matter what you do . My brother fails to remember how much I did and in fact believes he visited my parents all the time , which he did not . I don’t argue with him . We talk on the phone 3-4 times a year . That’s it . I have one sister I am close to , and one that chose to distant herself from all . For the most part it is a broken family due to my mother’s lies . I came to terms with that . It wasn’t my fault . And it’s not yours either .

Laurel, Nothing really new here, is there?
Your hubby's a wise man.
You could move the heavens and the earth for her and your mother wouldn't have a decent thing to say for/to you. That's just the way it is.
You will someday be able to giggle about her, about the limitations she cannot rise above, about how the assembly line that puts out "mothers" had a big stutter that day.
When you can smile with your husband and shrug your shoulders to her mean comments, and tell her "So sorry you feel that way, Mom. But gotta run. Talk soon. LOVE YOU"--that's the day you know you are healed. When others frown upon you and you can just shrug and move on, you will be well.

My Mom was sooooo sweet and so kind and so loving overall.
And I never somehow felt like I could measure up to my folks goodness.
One day, as a full grown adult, I was visiting my folks and my Mom wanted to head to the store.
I said "Great, but I gotta pee first".
Silence........... and I knew I had forgot "we" don't say "pee".
Then Mom said with a sigh "I hate that word".
For a moment I crumbled inside. I felt that "come up short" thing within me.
And then suddenly I just said "I KNOW you do. But nevertheless I gotta pee before we go".
At that point, my sweet Dad, sitting at the table, let out a huge guffaw.
And my Mom giggled.
And that was the end of it.

I had no REASON to be so afraid. It was just, you know, feeling like a "kid" again, who disappointed a parent. For no reason. No big deal.
I went pee. And we went shopping.
And after that I was ALWAYS able to treat things with a humor, a shrug and love. I knew I was OK.

Update on this saga ...

I got an email this morning from stepmom. Full of mean accusations ... saying I don't care about them, I don't call or visit enough, and now when she needs my help I have refused.

The end of the message said that she now believes "what others have told her", so she must be referring to the cousins from my mom's side of the family who seem to have turned against me thanks to my mom. It's such a small town so any gossip spreads fast.

The last line of her message says that I am in Dad's will, but that he will most likely die first. And that when he is gone, she will be taking me out of her will.

Whatever. They're lasting so long there won't be any assets left anyway.

Have anyone ever dealt with this sort of thing? It's so strange. They barely had anything to do with me while I was growing up.

If I'm doing the wrong thing, please let me know. My husband says to ignore her email and let her wallow in her anger.

Thank you so much for the comments and support. So many of you are (or have) gone through some terrible times w/parents and in-laws.

My in-laws are already gone, thank goodness. They both died in their late 70s/early 80s. My husband says his parents did everyone a huge favor by not lasting too long. He has felt that way since seeing how my parents longer lives have affected them (and me).

Dad will turn 91 in April. Mom is 89 with a pacemaker and will soon turn 90.
I fully expect Mom to live as long as her mother - 105. Really tough.

If I hadn't made the calls I would have felt guilty. But the calls were more for them, not for me, as I knew how it would go with my mom especially. I will have to make more calls on birthdays, Mothers/Fathers Day, but I'll deal with that later.

I did tell stepmom that she could have Dad placed for her abdominal surgery and she wouldn't hear of it. She placed both her parents long ago so she is familiar with the process. My dad also gets certain treatments at the VA so I've suggested that too. Nope, she wanted ME to go over there for several weeks, and she sure didn't like it when I refused. I rather enjoyed telling her no.

With guidance from my husband, my therapist, and all of you I am keeping my boundaries and refusing months/years of slavery.

Being shunned is very hurtful. I'm sorry it happened to you too, waytomisery.

The part that hurts the most is that seven first cousins on my mom's side have gone silent. I was the oldest grandchild and I doted on all my cousins when we were all young. I even did a lot of babysitting of the two youngest.

My mom is very careful to keep her mean side hidden from everyone else. She saves that for me.

My therapist keeps reminding me not to give my power away when dealing with either parent. She was very supportive of my giving up the POA for my mom.

I recently told her about the death wishes that I have. She said she hears this frequently from other clients who have to deal with very old parents, and that it's nothing to be ashamed of. She has clients who have parents in their 100s.

Yes, they live wayyyyy too long these days.

It all comes down to others expectations. Thats the problem, THEY EXPECT. This makes for unhappy people because we don't need to do or be what they EXPECT. My MIL and one SIL expect you to do things a certain way. It bugs them when u don't. My SIL went off the deep end expecting me to do something in her home I would never expect out of my company when visiting. That I have never asked of my company. They are company! Wevdon't need to meet others expectations good or bad. You just say, "this is what I can do".

Sorry Laura, the dreaded phone calls are so hard . You are not alone in getting pounded on the phone , and having others shun you unfairly . I took care of my parents until they died and was shunned because of my mother’s lies . You are damned if you do , damned if you don’t .

My husband is the only one in our circle of friends with living ( difficult , divorced ) elderly parents as well . They were both lifelong selfish non attentive parents who now expect loads of attention because they are declining . We wish it were over as well . Seeing how our friends are not dealing with the stress of it all .

My FIL who basically ignored us for 30 years until his second wife died is now in our lives , DH is POA . FIL is hanging on painfully , a slow decline in AL near us , any day now expecting to have AL say he needs SNF . FIL will be irate if he can not stay in AL ( not that he likes it there either ). As of now he is still refusing hospice which AL will keep him if he went on hospice . We’ve had to deal with step sibling “ advice “ . FIL is always grumpy , and is worse now that we feel it’s too difficult to take him out. So he was pi$$ed off over the holidays .

MIL is declining , still lives at her home 4 hours away . She needs but refuses AL . She has no POA in place which is fine, (DH doesn’t want it since she is so difficult) . But we know she will call us for help when the disaster happens . Phone calls are guilt trips to visit more often .

We have told her not send our adult children birthday and Christmas checks anymore , they don’t need ( nor want ) her money , but she does it knowing that they will call to thank her for them . They did and both got berated for not visiting and told how she’s the only one of her friends with no great grandchildren so she has no pictures to share when they take their pictures out . My children refuse to visit any longer because she sits across from us , interrogating us, lecturing us , making demands for weddings and great grandchildren before she dies.

When DH and I visit or DH calls , she complains about my daughter not setting her wedding date yet and my son not having children yet , and how we all don’t visit enough . But the visits are horrendous .

Keep your boundaries up my friend . You did not make them old, nor can you fix old . This is what I had to say to my abusive narcissistic mother ( now deceased) whom I cared for for over a decade .

Their misery is not your fault . Old age is causing their miseries . Please do not feel guilty for wanting their misery to end . Feeling sadness and despair is common. Wanting rest in peace for them is sane .

You made the Merry Christmas calls.

Would have like them to be be nice.. but expected they may be difficult or unpleasant.. and they were.

That sucks.

If you hadn't made the calls maybe you would feel guilty.. ?

Negative awful calls vs awful guilt.

Between a rock & hard place!

Well, choose your poison I guess?
I would have done same. Made the calls. Even though they sucked, you can feel pride you made them. Pride in keeping your firm boundaries. Proud you are surviving this.

All things will pass.

Wishing you a happier new year.

I honestly cannot imagine caring for a single second what any other people think about me and what I do or don't do with/for my parents. Cannot imagine it.
What would you care, Laurel, about total strangers you will never once see in your entire life? What in the world could it matter WHAT they think?

Leaving that alone, your call was to/for them. You likely already knew it wasn't to/for YOU. You know that the news for YOU would not be good, and it wasn't.

Your step mom (if I recall that's a step mom?) is clearly overwhelmed.
I don't know if she understands how to get your dad, her hubby, into care, but it sounds as tho that is what she's looking at now.
And it sounds as tho she has no support and is completely overwhelmed. Guess she is wrong if she thinks that bullying will GET her support, but guess she thought it was worth a try.
And her Christmas is, of course NOT happy. It's miserable. Why should she pretend anything else?

You made the call. Good on you. I think I would do that once in a while, and continue to make it clear that you cannot come there to help, and that sadly they will have to make decisions now for themselves, hopefully with the help of a Fiduciary or a good attorney.

This won't get better. Those lovely scenes where there is redemption all the way round are great for the movies, but just don't happen in real life.
Sorry the call went so South, but you felt you should make it, you made it, you got about what you could know you could expect, and you are now free of thinking about it further for a while.

If you can be no support to them just make that clear.
Just tell them "I am so sorry; I know you expect support from me. I simply have none to give you. I understand you are disappointed in me and feel up against it. I just don't have answers for you."
This will make it more and more clear that they are in fact on their own.

Happy New Year coming.
And your resolution for consideration? Not to give a good fig what others think of you.
Trust me, they are all so busy worrying about what people think of THEM that they will have little time to waste on it.

So sorry Laura. Its got to be hard. Your Dad, SM can put him in respite care. She's married to him. she is his care giver. If she can't handle it, then she needs to place him.

Mom, she will never be happy even if u did everything she wanted u to. Sorry though she bad mouthed you. True friends should question you about what she said not take her at her word. Cousins too. I assume Mom has always been like this so not anything new for them

People really don't understand unless they have been there. I had a friend who I so knew why her boys kept their distant. Oldest, she talked bad about his wife and wife got wind of it. Son stuck by his wife. Youngest bought a bigger home and she thought he should allow her to move in. NO! He worked f/t and so did the wife. Friend would eventually need care 24/7 care.

Sad thing, she passed at 70 from stomach cancer and I don't think her boys have missed her. Thats what Mom needs to realize, because of her being a Debbie Downer and expecting people to do for her, she will not be missed. Yes, they live too long now.