Update from Graciekelli: Trying to get mom into AL with no funds and no Medicaid.

Thank you. I thought I may need to start a new thread that but not sure how.

Responding to SharonMarcie, Sharon it may be useful to start your own thread in the forum questions section. Feel free to do that. The short answer from me here is to get a state social worker on board now to help you. Apply her for LTC or nursing home Medicaid as soon as her funds are under the threshold in DC. Follow a similar path to Gracie if necessary, make the SW aware of mom's situation, but always remember you are in no way obligated to have her live with you.

Hi. I am new to this forum. I have a mom with moderate stage dementia who is in independent living with home health 6 hours a day. she is in spend-down and we are going through funds quickly. she needs more care and best would be memory care. She is not yet eligible for Medicaid and I too cannot have her live with me. I have talked to state, county, and many facilities and have yet to find a place that will accept her due to financial limitations. Have not yet explored the 8 bed and fewer AL homes due to concern about quality of care she will receive. I am her primary caretaker / POA and burned out - still working as well. We are in DC metro area. thoughts?

APS may have been one of the many calls the SW made when problem solving. Hopefully APS close their case. Your Mother is now in permanent care, issue resolved.

There will be time of adjustment, for her & you of course, but the spike of crises is hopefully over.

I wish you calmer times ahead.

Gracie, TY for updating, and very glad to hear it is working out! Just keep sticking to your guns.

Hi Mstrbill and Barb,
I posted my update with APS on your other topic page. But Mstrbill, to answer your question, yes. I was working with a SW at the psych hospital. He knew my mom's funds were very limited and I would not be contributing any of my money for her care. He also knew that my home would be an unsafe discharge - DH and I work full time and are not here to care for her.

I think SW was getting nervous about finding something for my mom and made the call to APS that they need to discharge but nowhere for my mom to go. APS would have then come back to me to give me options in accomodating my mother's needs, such as "free" adult day care while we are at work or other resources that would be made available to us to help us make my home a safe discharge.

I did not want her back. It was a miracle that they found a place for her for 1300 per month, I ran down there the moment SW told me about the facility and paid first months fees as well as some other charges completed all the admission paperwork as POA and loaded my car with all my mother's belongings and put them into her new AL room. My mother was all set to go in AL as far as I was concerned on 7/8. The psyche facility did not even discharge her until 7/11.

"Tag- they're-it"

Gracie, how did the meeting go this AM?

Hi Gracie, I'm sorry if I missed it, but did you have a social worker at the psych facility or hospital helping you and mom? I'm just trying to understand why the psych facility called APS. There should have been a facility social worker working to find placement for her. Did you work with a SW and tell her that your home was not an option anymore? I know what you are going through, I was in a similar position where I got no help from doctors or nurses and felt the system was broken. It was only when I got a hospital SW and case manager on board, and they understood that my father would not be safe anymore at home, that I got help.

Hi Barb, I couldn't find your thread, but will post more info after my visit with APS today and after I speak with my attorney.

More to come....

Grace, I just started a new discussion on the topic of elder abandonment. I hope you will share what you find.

Hi Barb,
Yes, I have a lawyer. I will call her. Thank you for sending me the ammunition to have this discussion with APS. I will look up the book you are recommending. Thank you again!

Grace, do you have a lawyer?

Laws on this stuff vary widely from State to State. There are still some states with out-dated filial responsibility laws on the books that are not really ever invoked.

If APS stops by, you want to ask them what law they are basing their presumption of "Abandonment" on. Take down the statute citation to consult with your lawyer and also how to resign your POA so that your mom becomes a ward of the state.

Have I recommended Liz Scheier's Never Simple to you?

Barb, You said in your response,

"Whatever issues arise, you are now armed with the knowledge that your home is not ever going to be one of the options for her."

I want to know...if there comes a time where the AL wants her to leave, for whatever reason, medically or financially, is APS going to hold me responsible again for finding her a new facility or telling me that if I don't bring her in my home that I am abandoning her? I need to get prepared.

Thank you for helping me through this process.

New Update: This whole ordeal has really gotten me so upset. But I want to post so others will know. APS called me this morning to inform me that the Psych Facility said they were ready to discharge but since I wasn't picking her up, I "abandoned" her. That was the reason for her call.

She did inform me that she went to the facility yesterday and was made aware that my mom was placed in an AL and that this was just a formality and that she would need to visit me in person and close the case.

I said fine.

But, I am really upset about this for a couple of reasons. First, the doctor stated my mom needed "Memory Care." How would my home be the proper place for her if she needed MC. Second, they realized that wasn't goind to work at the AL that she was going to so the doctor revised his recommendations to AL. Again, how would my home be the proper place for my mother if a doctor is stating she needs AL?

Finally, why am I responsible for MC or AL if my mother has no money? The way our system works is just unbelievable.

APS will be stopping by likely today. I told her that I did not want to be POA for anything, financially, medically or mentally, and that she needed to provide me with resources on passing this responsibility to someone else.

Grace, I read on another thread that your mom got moved!! Well done!!

Grace, I am so glad she's landed safely. Hopefully she will settle in.

I would let her acclimate for a bit before visiting.

Whatever issues arise, you are now armed with the knowledge that your home is not ever going to be one of the options for her.

Thanks for the update! I am so glad that your mom was accepted into the assisted living facility and that you are pleased with them so far.

Do try to relax. The facility will notify you if they need anything further. Sorry about her phone being lost in the shuffle. Maybe, someone will find her old phone and turn it in to the lost and found at the hospital.

Many people on this forum have placed their parents in assisted living and moved them into memory care when it became necessary.

So...doctor changed the discharge plan and truly, I think that the AL is what she needs at this time. But for sure, her condition will advance and we will need more care. AL accpeted her. I went there 2 hours before she was to arrive and brought all her stuff and the manager helped me unpack everything and get her side of the room all set up. The residents here are really nice. I think she will fit in nicely. I like the manager. I wanted to be sure that I didn't see her. My thinking is that she will adapt much better if she thinks the hospital is sending her there rather than "me."

She is not in memory care - this is AL. She is at stage 3 dementia. She does not wander. She just needs someone to administer her meds, prepare meals, ensure that she takes a shower and this is just the place. I love the fact that to watch TV she actually has to get out of bed. I love the fact that there are other elderly people in this home who are all very nice and I can see her becoming friends with them. She needs to be with other people her age that have similar physical issues.

So my one concern at this point is her iphone. Somehow during the ER ride and all the transfers from one facility to the next it got lost. I cancelled service but realize that she needs a phone of her own instead of using the community phone since she will be going to doctor visits, etc... I went to T-mobile and bought her a cheap flip phone. She is not tech savy and does not use internet or text or pictures, so that's what I got her. When I got home, I realized that a flip phone is not that easy to navigate. I programed it with my number, her doctor's number and her friends numbers, but...it wasn't even easy for me after having an iphone for so long...I think she might freak out about this...

I am finally feeling good and relieved, but at the same time, there is this constant thought about what if??? what if this doesn't work, what if they throw her out, what if she needs more care? It never ends. So for now, I will relax and enjoy more time in my home with my husband and pray that I can get her approved for Medicaid before she ends up needing more....I also want to get a public fiduciary and state guardinship so that I am no longer on the hook for all things "MOM!" But, it's one step at a time. Thank you to all of you who have given me advise and words of wisdom and support. Without this site, I would not have known what I know today.

I truly hope that this works out for you! It will be such a relief for you if she is placed in memory care.

Keep us posted.

It's always something, isn't it. Let us know how it goes. I would stop calling THEM. Let them call you. Meanwhile she is safe. Try to relax tonight. Take care, Graci.

(((hugs))) and good thoughts, Grace!

Good luck. Unsafe discharge. Especially if she needs memory care.