Follow
Share

My mom had a neuro psych eval got diagnosed with Major Cognitive Impairment and that doctor notified the DMV. A letter came stating her license would be revoked and she had 45 days to give a questionnaire to her "personal physician". Original thread is here:


https://www.agingcare.com/questions/my-moms-dmv-letter-came-today-all-hell-is-going-to-break-loose-449187.htm?orderby=oldest


Well, I ended up telling my mom about the letter. She was very angry at the neuro-psych doctor but told me to go ahead and take the letter to her primary care doctor. She did not want me to take it to the neurologist.


I took the letter into the PC office and they immediately told me I had to take it to Neurology. Probably the big bold heading on the form that said NEUROLOGY. The neurology dept is in the same complex so I headed over to them.


The nurse practitioner and my mom's neurologist's nurse took me into one of the exam rooms and explained to me that they would NOT fill out the form because once another physician informs the DMV someone is not safe to drive their doctors do not contest it due to liability issues.


It was confusing to me. But the nurse practitioner was very familiar with the form and explained that it is only used if the person is contesting the decision of the DMV. She said all my mom's doctor would do is write a referral for a specialty driving evaluation that is done at a hospital in Pensacola. It's much more than driving it's like another neuro-psych eval, and the NP said the original decision is rarely over-turned.


I thanked them for the info and left. Came home and when I was able to talk to my mom (she lost her phone the first day there which is a post for a different day) I informed her and she was BEYOND livid! She started screaming how she NEVER should have agreed to the neuro-psych eval and that she was STILL going to drive no matter what, she just had a complete fit.


Told me to send her the form and she was going to fly back to Florida and do the evaluation and then go back to PA.


What she ultimately does remains to be seen, but I do not want to help her facilitate ANY of this- travel plans, airport runs, a two hour drive one way to Pensacola.... no. I'm not doing it just because my mom is throwing a tantrum. I know damn well she should not be driving.


So.... anyone in Florida who find themselves in a similar position, that is how FL law works. The initial letter is confusing because it reads as though they (the DMV) are still assessing the case, when in reality they have already determined the report to them was credible, and the letter is to inform of revocation, and give a chance to contest. My mom's own doctors won't contest it.


I just don't know what to do about my mom's rage. Ignoring it seems like the best option at the moment.

Find Care & Housing
Thank you for caring enough to get your mom off the road. My youngest sister was killed by a driver who should never have been driving.  And thanks for the clarification of FL law.
(2)
Report

Yes, ignore at this point. The next letter will be her needing to turn her license in. I see what they are saying, the letter was for her to contest the findings, right.
(0)
Report

My mantra...respond, don't react.

A wise philosopher said once that there is a pause in between the stimulus and our response to it. In that pause is what makes us human and not simply reactive creatures.

"Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom."
Viktor E. Frankl
(3)
Report

Thanks Barb. Your posts have helped a lot.

Are people in NYC neurotic? I've never been there but always had the impression it's a pretty fast moving exciting place with lots going on. And lots of taxi's everywhere Lol.

Speaking of taxi's and driving, I don't think I will mind giving up my license. I don't even like to drive. I have some friends in California and (before mom moved here!) I would visit a couple times a year. I love Cali and I noticed lots of people opt to not own a car and Uber everywhere instead. Easier and cheaper than actually owning a car. The idea appealed to me.
(1)
Report

Piper, I know plenty of folks your age and older with mom issues ( that's probably because I live in NYC, where all the moms are neurotic, right?).

Therapy helps. It takes time to disintall those buttons. And it takes practice. And validation from an outside source. You're doing great!!
(2)
Report

Barb you are very insightful because YES she has always been that way, and I was certainly trained to react by fixing whatever was making her angry. My counselor keeps talking about this very thing. It is HARD to turn off those automatic responses. I have never reacted to anyone in my life the way I react to my mother. Not my husband, not anyone.

To be honest I'm really sick of it. I'm 56 and still have mother issues. Ridiculous. I mean what 56 year old grown woman who raised a great kid and had a successful career lets a elderly person with dementia call the shots? It would be funny if it wasn't so tragic.
(2)
Report

Well, the reaction is still unfolding. But I agree with you that losing a driver's license is a big deal. I pretty much let her vent away and didn't even interject when she made the threats that she would continue to drive illegally. I'm hoping that she cools down and starts to accept this.... but knowing my mom, this will not be easy.

I'm glad that for now she's on my brother's turf. He refuses to ride with her driving, as does his girlfriend, so he fully gets the driving issue and I'm hoping he can convince her to give up on the driving. The bottom line is this will be hard but she has to accept it. There really isn't any other option.

My brother made a point to me yesterday that once she sells her two cars she should have plenty of money to hire a driver. Like a "Driving Miss Daisy" kind of thing. He was half joking but it made me wonder about hiring a driver that is specific for seniors with dementia. I wouldn't trust a regular Uber, but I'm going to try and see what is available for those times when I'm not able or willing to drive.
(2)
Report

Piper, the cards are very much in your hands. I agree with CM that sympathetic noises ( think of it as agreeing with the feeling of frustration, not the anger directed at you) is in order.

Your mom sounds like shes always been a dramatic, demanding person? You've been programmed to jump when she tells you to.

That's what needs to get turned off.
(1)
Report

I am beyond relieved to hear that you have talked to your mother; and even though you call it "just don't know what to do" I congratulate you enthusiastically on having handled her reaction to perfection. Well done you.

Ignoring = make sympathetic noises and say "sorry mother, it's the law, tsk, hey, what can you do." And meanwhile start background research on alternative transport options.

One more thing, though. Tantrum? If something grossly inconvenienced me, I'd be livid about it, too. Sometimes the correctness of the thing isn't the point, it's how much a pain in the butt it is - and that, she is allowed to complain about.
(2)
Report

Start a Discussion

Subscribe to
Our Newsletter