Unrealistic expectations from family.

Wow, your sister needs a reality check! perhaps suggest she go visit a nursing home in her area and speak to the staff, or talk to her doctor, and find out that unfortunately, old people with health issues are prone to falls. Its just a fact of again, and not always preventable. You cannot bubble wrap people, honey, sorry about that.

We call that the "Daughter from (insert name of distant city here) Syndrome". They know EVERYTHING you should do, and will tell you, from a distance. The only time they are ever *smarter* is when they parachute into your life for a few days once every few months/years, in which case they can be even more bossy.

There is no such thing as perfect caregiving for the elderly/infirm, since the dynamics change continually. And, I am sorry to point this out, but the fact of the matter is that unlike child-rearing, where they grow up and flourish, in this case, the situation is not going to get better (until it is over, that is). There is no happy ending. We are just doing the best we can, with quick sand under our feet.

Tell your sister that if she wants your mom under constant supervision, and totally safe, that she will have to be sedated 24/7 and kept in bed. If you want Mom to be as mobile as she wants to be, it would cost thousands of dollars to hire enough staff to have someone on either side of her at all times to catch her if she falls. Its a tough thing to wrap your brain around, but you cant protect them from everything, and bad stuff happens.

LindaMS is absolutely on target! Old people fall. Old people with impairments fall more often. It is what they do.

I'll bet you'd love to sit by your mother's side all day. All you need is a staff to run the household while you are doing that. Someone to cook, clean, set up medical appointments, pay bills, etc. Oh, and someone to take over the sitting job when you go to the bathroom or take a shower.

If Youngest Sister really wants to learn about caregiving the elderly and the common risk factors, there are many ways she can get educated. If she just wants to criticize you, I think you should gently and firmly disengage from that conversation.

Your comments here have already helped me feel alot better about my so-called inadequacies. Two years ago Mom signed over her house to me in exchange for my long-term caregiving, and I was afraid this sister might go to court to contest that since she doesn't feel I am "doing my job". Ugh!! I will definitely stand my ground now, knowing it isn't "just me". Sometimes it's hard to have perspective when you're in the middle of the storm... and my friends on here contribute a much-clearer perspective.

Isn't it amazing that some people have all the answers but no hands on experience! You are doing a wonderful job caring for mom. My response would be, "I would be more than happy to sit by mom's side all day if you hire and pay for a staff to do the cooking, cleaning, and grocery shopping." Then send her literature on a business that provides these services along with literature on all the responsibilities involved in elder care.

I am going through sibling troubles myself. My sister... wow, makes your seem like a support group! She says I should be in jail (I have cared for both my parents for almost 2 years now... not ONE hour during that time have my siblings cared for them... NEVER.) Said she was coming to do an 'intervention' on me... ??? As she says I am just taking advantage of them. (Trust me, having a regular job with regular hours would be far easier than this!!) My mom has severe dementia, that I supposedly caused. She is on O2, diabetes, diverticulitis, sleep apnea, sleeping disorders, etc etc. My dad is 87, but mentally he is ok, just slower now and not as quick to process things, etc. He LOVES having me here as he KNOWS he can't handle my mom for more than an hour at a time and that is pushing it. He gets stressed out FAST! My sister says my mom should just be taken off ALL meds and she would be fine. That all nurses and doctors should go to prison (I worked for many years as a charge nurse in nursing homes.) She HATES me now.... I don't know why. She lives in Alaska, we are in Iowa. She came to Iowa last Wed... is still here. During the last week and has been staying at my brothers house 15 minutes away... and has been here 2 times for a total of 2 hours. That is an improvement over last year when she left her husband for over 6 months and was at my brothers (15 minutes away) for over a MONTH before she even came to see them... and then for about 45 minutes and left again. During the 6 months she spent a total of 3 hours with them in 3 visits... one of those was for 15 minutes while she used my dad's computer to check her itinerary online and shampoo'd her hair!

I am the youngest of 5 kids.... NO ONE helps. NO one. Yet I am the bad guy. I have put my entire life on hold, gave up all social activities, job/career, etc for this, but I should be in prison?? I don't get paid to do this. I do this out of love. That is all. I just don't get siblings!

Anyone in need of using a soft padded belt to ~temporarily~ keep their loved one from trying to get up and falling from out of a chair should do an eBay search for "NEW SKIL CARE CUSHION BELT 301200 size UNIVERSAL". There are times (such as bathroom breaks) where we simply cannot be with them every single second. A padded belt can come in handy during those times.

... and that is the short version... I could go on and on about the horrible things she says about me to other family members. I think they feel guilty about NOT doing anything and make themselves feel better by criticizing us. This is not new and we are not the first to go through it. Unfortunately this is a fairly common experience. We just do the best we can in a situation that NO ONE ELSE GETS unless they have lived through it themselves. :( We do our best. What else can we do. I get it from both my sisters, but the one is FAR worse! I answer to God. He is my witness and defender. As long as I am ok with that.... I try to ignore what I can.

Your youngest sister lashes out because, subconsciously, she knows SHE should be doing more; it's purely a defense mechanism. Don't pay her any mind.

My younger sister took care of my mom after her stroke for a year. My sister was exhausted and would call and tell me about it as I went on with my life and my family. I called and tried to comfort as much as I could. I begged my mom to come live with me to no avail. Finally my mom agreed to live with me. She has been with me for four years and I can't express how difficult it is to care for my mom. I have no life. She just wants to sleep. I am so deeply sorry for not stepping up when my sister was crying for help. My mom is now going back to my sister because we live in high altitude and she can't seem to get acclamated here. She has COPD and it is very difficult for her to breath. I have told my sister that I will come out and stay with my mom for weeks at a time so she can get some rest. You just don't know what it's like until you've walked in the caregivers shoes. Maybe your sister should take care of your mom for a month and then I'm sure she would back you up with what you do. Be strong. I know it is hard and I too can't tell you it will get better. Get support where you can and take care of yourself for without your health you are no good to anyone else. Hugs and prayers.

Before using any kind of restraints check your laws. They are illegal in most places!! Only SAFETY belts like a 'seat belt' that the PERSON can remove themselves is permitted in most cases to prevent accidental falling 'out' of the chair.... anything else that they can not remove themselves is considered restraining and if it is considered illegal where you live you could get into BIG trouble for it....

Sorry, I meant to say 4 months not years.

I have spent many hours on the phone talking to my brother who only lives 2 1/2 hrs away. He listens, never offering any solutions or help. Then I don't hear from him for weeks. He tells me how he and his second wife go here and there enjoying themselves. Also how they've helped the neighbor across the street and brought food to her. It's almost unbelievable. Our father is 97 and showing many signs of dimentia. I could go on and on about all the stuff that goes on but it would just be too long. It's difficult enough coping with all of it but then not to have support/help from immediate family is very hurtful. I'm a responsible person and will continue to do what I know is right under the circumstances. I have found that doing what I enjoy helps me. Things creative like painting, knitting etc. I was thinking the other day that I haven't had a good laugh, from the belly, in a long time. I now, accept invitations and sometimes even force myself to go to be with
happy people. It really works and gives me a lift. We have to find what makes us happy under the circumstances.

Darcy123 ~ They are illegal in nursing homes and if "improperly used" from what I have read. Can you provide a link saying in which states they are illegal? I have not been able to find anything. Where I live, they are OK for use in a private home.

You might consult an attorney regarding the house, which is now in your name, in case your sister makes an effort to 'claim' her inheritance or any other material of financial items she may claim you received because of undue influence on your mother. Next time she threatens 'intervention' or a call to APS, call her bluff and suggest she do so. However, have friends & visiting nurses, doctors, etc ready to attest to the quality care you have and are giving your mother. Sorry you have such a mean-spirited sibling to deal with.

P.S... (and might not be widely known)... "A physicians' order must be in place before a restraint is used".

I would cut her out. Next time she calls and starts ranting, hang up. She has nothing of value to add. It's just thoughtless words. Cut her off and know that you are making the investment and until she puts as much skin in the game as you have, she's nothing, nada, zip. Get rid of her until she helps in some meaningful way. She's just bullying you and you do not need it. You owe her NOTHING. And get rid of any kind of sense of politeness or fairness to her; she hasn't earned it. Be strong and steel your backbone, you need to feel better and have some self-worth. Then get on with your day.

You might try saying to your sister "I'm sorry you feel that way. I know that I'm doing the very best I can. If you feel someone else could do better feel free to find and hire that person." If she persists about saying you SHOULD be able to do it better....just reiterate "Again I'm sorry you feel that way. I'm not willing to listen to your complaints anymore so I 'm going to hang up now (if on the phone) or walk away (if in person) ."

Myself and my parents had similar issues when it came to my brother. I'm 24 right now, he's six years older.
Anyway, when we first starting taking care of my grandmother, she has severe alzhiemer's and parkingson's diease, my brother would constantly call to make sure that we were 'doing our jobs right'.
Now we live in Michigan, he lives in Washington state. Obviously he was not coming to visit very often.
About two years ago this had reached a breaking point between my parents and himself, with him threatening to call APS on us because grandma had a bruise on her head from a fall.
This was also right at Christmas time, so it was one of those rare times when he actually was in the house.
The ending result was that after this huge fight we left instructions on how to care for grandma, our daily routine with her, and then packed up and went away for a couple of days to a local motel leaving my brother and his partner to care for Grandma. They insisted that they could of course do it better at the start and didn't understand why three people were having so many issues with watching her.

The ending of the story is that by the end of a mere 48 hour period my brother was begging us to come back. Since then we have had no issues with threats or judgement from him.

After my mother was the victim of family elder abuse, I developed a nonprofit elder abuse prevention agency. I hear your story every day. You are living the same family nightmare many people go through when caring for an aged parent. You are not alone.

Nothing you say to your sister is going to sink in to her brain. She is free and clear of the responsibility of caring for Mom and she plans to stay that way. Part of her ranting at you is guilt she will never admit to. And part of her rant is distrust of you because if she was in your situation, she would be securing her "inheritance." So she thinks you are doing the same thing.

The next step in this common scenario that you are living through is that your sister, or one of your other siblings not directly involved with Mom's care ,will come down on you with accusations of stealing and undue influence. One of them is going to come to visit, and while your back is turned, this person will have Mom sign a power-of-attorney. Mom's mail will be diverted, her checking account changed, and you may even find a new mortgage on her house if she has one.

You need to consult an attorney to learn how to cover yourself against allegations of elder abuse and protect any assets your mother has left. If you cannot afford an attorney, your local legal aid nonprofit may be able to assist you. You also need to find a caregiver resource center in your area. Some centers are able to provide respite care while you attend caregiver support groups. The people in these groups will be able to assist you in surviving the time you have left with Mom. Good luck.

It just amazes me how we all seem to have problems with sibs. I live with my mother 24/7 but my sibs -who visit every other week for a few hours - think that they know it all. Truthfully I have gotten a little numb to it over the last year. At first I was trying to be the "perfect" daughter and caregiver to my Mother but found that I was getting pretty depressed. Now I just do the best I can and let the comments go in one ear and out the other. I know that this is not a permanent situation. It just really helped me when I decided that I was not going to "fix" my Mothers old age and the family was being unrealistic. They are just filled with guilt - but you know what - that is their problem. I worked as a nurse with the elderly and know that even in hospitals with 24 hour care - old people still fall!! I just hope that when the time comes you will feel satisfied with the job that you have done and the other family members can just figure out their guilt their own way.

I agree with the guilt trip. That is the first thing I thought of when reading Darcy's letter. They just lash out at the one person they should be supporting and thanking for all of their time. Missing out on your own life is a big concern with younger caregivers. I hope you can get some relief soon. Hugs

On numerous occasions in my life, I have been quite happy and content that I am an "only!" After reading these posts, I am having one of those occasions! Thanks! My heart goes out to you all!

In regards to restraints......can one get an order from the doctor as they do in hospitals/care facilities?

You are doing the best that you can do under the circumstances. Stop seeking support from your siblings. They will not be there for you, so just accept it and go on doing what you feel you must do for your mother. Seek all the help from friends, neighbors, other caregivers, ( such as this site), and of course medical help. Help is out there; you just have to find it. I'd be interested to know what meds your mother is taking and how often. Any night-time sedation? When will she leave Rehab? You seem to be focused on the ciriticism from your siblings more than on the arrangement that you could have in your home to suppement your caregiving. After Re-hab, you should have the Visiting Nurses come into do BP testing, general health analysis, and O T.

I have to agree with everyone above. Sisters can be mean and hurtful. My experience, I believe it is to help them feel better about themselves. I hope it works for them and they feel Great about themselves. You will have that feeling and it will be genuine because you do really care and you have tried and you have done your best.

I am pretty much am in the same situation but i only have 1 sister. my mom has been with me for 9 years and my sister does the same i just ignore her we do not talk at all she does not call or see my mother. we communicate through my daughter-in-law.. my mom had a fall and was in rehab for 2 mths. she did go see her there but only when i was'nt there. You need to tell her if she thinks she can do a better job please take over if not I don't care for your input.It is not easy I do everything myself my children are older and have young children of their on. I just recently found a local business run by husband and wife who have employees that are thouroughly checked. Also a retired nurse to come in when I have someplace to go. I plan on at least 2 8 hr. days a month to leave and not worry. I am home and don't work my husband does not understand why I'm so exhausted or in abad mood when he gets home. No one does unless you are in this situation. My last child just moved out and now my mother needs taken care of. I would'nt mind if I had a lettle support from my husband. I am only 50 got married when I was seventeen this could be the end of it. As far as your sister or anybody else telling you what to do, don't listen.I don't allow my sister to come to my house because she is home and no one to take care of but herself, so if she can't spend a litlle time with her mother she is not welcome! good luck to you

Roberta:

Look you are doing the best you can taking care of your mother for a decade. If your sister has not stepped up finanically or physically to care for your mother in 10 yrs it isn't likely it will happen soon. I would tell her you don't need her critical opinions or comments and if she wants someone by your mother's side all night, she can feel free to hire and pay for a home health aide for 7 nights a week. That would be several thousand dollars a month. I doubt if she will go there but if she would, welcome the help. :)

Elizabeth

happyjack ~ Best thing to do would be to consult your doctor. Laws may vary by state. There are also quite a few different types of belts / restraints. You want to make sure that you're getting the right one for the job which will be the least dangerous. ...Again, discuss w/doctor.

UPDATE: well Mom fell at the rehab center last evening and got herself a really big bump and bruise on her forehead but she is ok. They had 2 alarms on her and still they were not able to prevent her fall, which goes to prove our point, doesn't it? The facility is discharging her this coming Saturday. Thanks to everyone here I feel 100% better about the job I'm doing and now I am not afraid of backlash from my sister. Still need to work out some respite but one step at a time. Thank you all and sending lots of love and positive energy out to ech and every one of you in your own situations.

Honey, I feel for you! My brother lives out of town and has only recently realized that I'm not makin' this stuff up! Bless your heart! You are doing a good job. And if sis is not happy with the care you are giving to mom, then you could offer to drive mom to her house and let her do it. I had to offer this to my brother a few months back. I didn't say it in a mean voice. I just politely asked if he wanted to find all new Doctor's and a place for mom to stay, etc, etc, etc. he quickly said he didn't think about it from that point of view. I will keep your family in my prayers. And keep up the good work! God's blessings.