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oqt,

Your dad sounds like my father in law. The really scarry thought is that as your mother declines more, he just might get in touch with that anger and that is when many domestic murders take place. While it probably does not look that way to you, but to me your dad's e-mail makes him sound like he is a danger to others or at least potentially so.
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so sorry -i could tell my mom was scared of my brother but would not admit it- she spoiled him and now hes a monster, my sister came to ca. from idaho to visit when mom fell and broke her arm, i live 90 miles away and came over for couple of days, well 3 days later she said come get her cuz brother was treating my sister like crap - verbal abuse- my daughter is staying there for last couple of months and she calls me crying too- my mom today said dont want to see him- he was supposed to come to my home to visit- i said why mom- was he mean- did he yell at you? she said yes- did he hit you- she said no- i knew it back then but could do nothing about it cuz she would not admit it- so sorry for your pain- and yes if theres physical abuse- you can see bruises- verbal abuse u cant c as easily- but ya make that call- my moms house payment was $600 now its $1500 cuz of all the refies and borrowing he did- now worth nothing- house is in both of their names and i am her poa
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my mom lives with me 79 alz/dementia- she smokes i dont- but now she cant remember that she just put a cig out. so its not enjoyable unless shes chain smoking- so i called the doc and she gave me the ok to start her on the nicotine patch. its been 2 days and she hasnt asked for one yet!
my mom was always in pjs at her house with my 48 yr old brother who never left home- she smelt like urine and wandereed around alot. was alone when he went to work- shes doing much better- she goes to the store, bilbe study, and my friends homes- she is doing so much better- but i had to wait for her to want to- she wanted to die in her home, one day she started folding her underwear and said here put this in your car , in a whisper -she did not want brother to hear- we moved her in the next day- hopefully she will come around- i prayed and it happened 2 yrs later- perfect timing as my son has a daughter which makes it her great grand daughter- seeing her and watching americas funniest video and i boutght her a shitzu poodle mix to also cheer her up!!!
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My parents are as bad or worse than what you are describing. Just yesterday my father emailed my brother saying he is going to kill my mother but what really is going on is my father has been battered for over 50 years and now my mother who is in bad health is acting completely crazy verbally abusing him to no end. The sad thing is our hands are tied because my father will undermine anything we try to do to rectify the situation. He is so emotionally abused (battered person symptom) he believes he deserves whatever my mother dishes out. He cries out to us for help, but when we offer it he will do things like deny my mother hit him etc.. We are trying to contact the primary doctor but because of HIPPA we are afraid he will not give us any info. Should we call the police to report the abuse?? Should we call social services?? They live in SC and we are in MA....long distance but we need to do something or do we??? I am trying to keep from falling into the FOG again ..................
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momneedshelp ,

It sounds like your mother does not want to be championed and since she is currently a competent adult, as you say, there is not much you can do. It is not easy to watch anyone self-destruct by their own choices and worse when it is parents. However, while I'm not a therapist, I do suggest that you get one who is at least L.C.S.W, Licensed Clinical Social Worker to help you with your emotions. You did not make your mother and dad this way. You can't control them. Nor can you fix them. Do you have Durable and Medical POA for when they are needed and you can really use them.
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Get some help from your aging services groups in your area. It is not easy to watch a loved one live in conditions that are substandard. Sometimes getting a third party involved may help.
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It is very difficult to watch. I can hardly stand going to my parents house anymore. My parents used to have a lovely home, my mother was the one of the cleanest mothers around. Now they both smoke like chimneys and they don't air out the house. The walls windows, carpet, furniture, and everything in that house is covered in smoke. My mom says she has given up! My dad has had two strokes. The house smells like urine. I don't know what to do I cannot stand the cigarette smoke and my younger children cannot either and I don't take them their anymore. That means that I don't go either. My father needs to go into a nursing home and my mother doesn't want to lose the money in the house and wants us kids to have something left for us. I don't even care at this point. She doesn't want to come live with me either. She is totally competent so I don't know what else I can do. She makes me feel so depressed to see her live like this. So, I can know what you mean to see your loved ones live in unhealthy conditions. I don't know what to do about it though. I hope someone can shed some light for us both and others dealing with this depression of our loved ones and ourselves. Thank you.
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LOL...nice observation. i run errands for my mother in-law and I'm not sure if it's losing her mind or depression or both. I just hate the way she is living. She is now infested with roaches AGAIN..after we have cleaned and worked so hard to paint her house. She can't keep it up and dishes are stacked up to high heaven to roaches in the fridge and her bottle of Vodka by the bed that she never seems to get out of. She starts about 5 different conversations and can't finish them and takes an hour to write a list for just cat food and cottage cheese. I'm calling SRS tomarrow. I can't take it anymore. Thanks for reaching out so I could air. It's just so difficult to watch.
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Welcome..you haven't included much information in the post, but if you are looking for the connection between unhealthy living and depression, I would have to say that there is a connection.

Was this your intention?
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