s a caregiver to my 88 year old grandmother… I am not perfect, I cannot read minds and most of the time I go out of my way to ask if things are needed or if she’s hungry/ wants to do something / needs help. But then there’s times where I’m doing my own thing like homework or out with my boyfriend, while leaving an abundance of accessible foods/needs that she is 100% capable of getting and somehow it is turned around into me not being caring, me starving her and being an evil person.
9/10 my boyfriend comes over, and tbh it’s not fair for him because that is a lot of driving and gas money. Of 7 days a week if I go over there 3 times, which rarely happens ( usually around 4-5pm and home around 11:30pm) it should be completely fair. But it isn’t apparently. Apparently my 21 year old self is selfish for wanting to live a life and not miss out on things. This is described as me being a poor communicator and a egotistical person. I don’t understand what I’m doing wrong or why I am being lashed out at. I don’t get sleepovers with my boyfriend at his house, I have to call and ask permission to see a movie, or go swimming and I’m 21 years old. Because if I don’t and something happens everyone blames me. She used to care about being a burden but now she won’t share me with anyone. I’m really having a hard time being positive.

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catlover, I think you are too young to be a sole caregiver to an elderly person. You seem to have a lot of maturity, but your focus needs to be on you right now. These are critical years that you are spending on your grandmother. These years should be focused on getting your education and career started, and to finding a mate that you want to spend your life with. For you to be spending these years caring for your grandmother is not fair to you, nor is it wise for your future. It makes me mad at all the older adults in your life.

If I were advising a young friend about what to do, I would tell her to look around for some independent or assisted living facilities, depending on what the elder needed. Your grandmother will probably buck, but tell her that you have to get on with your life, so can't be there like she needs you to be. It will be hard, but what you're doing right now is not working for either of you. Your grandmother's money needs to be spent for her care and your time needs to be spent building your own life. If you are living her life, what will you have left in the future?

Big hugs and thoughts of good luck heading your way in Canada.

Cat, on another post you made elsewhere on this website you mentioned you want to start law school. I have this gut feeling that eventually your Grandmother won't want you to leave the house to attend classes, and with law school or any type of career you need to give 100% focus on your studies.

You might be surprised that if you postponed your life's dream that it could be another 8-10 years of you doing caregiving, but this time it will be 168 hours per week. I hope your Grandmother is paying you for your caregiving time.

Think about this, I bet if you had asked your Grandmother 10 years ago if you should give up your career, give up your friends, and give up your possible future spouse, your Grandmother would say absolutely not. Why on earth would your Grandmother hate you for wanting to enjoy your own life.... she did, why not you?

You have expressed yourself well.

Did your grandmother raise you? Where have your parents been? Dead or divorced? How did you end up being so enslaved? Did your parents do this to you or your grandfather or grandmother? What's the payoff? Your grandmother's money at your expense? Is there that much money for the relatives to benefit from your enslavement from? That is so very sick!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It sounds to me like someone laid a perfect trap for you while you were young and now they are sitting back somewhere laughing waiting for something and don't give a dam about you. That's slavery.

There must be some way out of this slavery. Why do these relatives hate you? Only because you want your own life and want to use the authority given you VIA the POA's to use grandmother's money to pay for her help. Are they living in the dark ages when women were viewed as chattle and children as property of their parents?

Nothing about being a POA means that yoiu have to have to be the hands on caregiver.

Over 33% of people who do what you are doing die before the person they are caring for. You don't want to be a statistic.

What's keeping you from using your POA to pay for care there at home for her using her money?

What can the relatives in Europe actucally do to you?

Not having a break from all of this has destroyed your social life because it undertsandablly became impossible to talk about anyting but taking care of your grandmother which led to friends feeling over loaded with problems they could do nothing abouit and became drained after some time and thus unfortunately abandoned you.

You really have needed an objective third party like a pastor or a therapist to unloud this on and to get some possible ideas what to do and how to do it.

I don't understand why the social worker is fed up. I would be fed up with her for not being helpful to get grandmother in somewhere for 24/7 care.

I can't say that from what you have shared that anyone is showing you any love and that your value to them is a free caregiver slave that they can control and boss around.

Is is possible to just tell this social worker that in light of everything going on with your own health that you can't carry this burden anymore and they must get your grandmother other help.

Thank you for replying, it does make me feel better. I do have all the POA's and everything, and have tried speaking with her doc. several times, but where I am in Canada, there has to be home support in once a day 7 days a week-and then if there are still problems, and mobilization issues then they can be submitted for review to go into care. The social worker I've been working with I think is fed up with our situation-my grandmother has fallen 27+ times in 2 years. Broken her back several times, a hip, concussions, compression fractures etc...

I don't know if this is the right way of putting it but I do feel like since I've been here since I was 16-doing the same things over and over that I'm a burden on all of my friends. Which I have none of anymore; this has caused me to have an anxiety disorder, suffer with depression and just make me an overall miserable person to be around. When will it be my time to start living?
I don't want her to feel like I want her gone, because I don't.
There's a lot of tangled things in my family and relationships within-some will never be repaired, so I really don't want my grandmother of all people to hate me as well.


From your description, you are living the life of a slave. Slavery was ended over a century ago. The only slavery remaining today is the slavery of the underground sex trade industry.

It is wonderful that at 21 you are able to own your own home. Do you have legal authority to make decisions for your grandmother like a durable POA and medical POA? If not, is she competent to give them to you. The family members in Europe are only focused on her money to inherit and not on he care for they see you as their slave.

I think I'd research where she could live based on what her doctor says she needs, take a serious look at her finances to cover the costs, and inform the relatives in Europe what her options and as of whatever date, one of those options must be take for you are no longer their slave. I'd take a dam the torpedoes and take no prisoners approach for it is so abusive to make you ask for permission to see a movie or go for a swim.

You have not done anything wrong and are not being selfish for wanting to have your own life which if you don't get back soon may kill your relationship with your boyfriend.

Frankly, you are being emotionally blackmailed by your relatives in Europe and your grandmother. Please look up the thread on AC about emotional blackmail. It will explain why it is so powerful; how to get free from it, and why some people never get free.

I wish you the best in getting out of this mess, but you are the only one who needs to be in control of you.

Please come back and let us know how you are doing. You are definitely not alone in your struggle to get free and freedom is possible.

Sadly she refuses to go into care, will not accept any home help and the only family she has live in Europe... They do not want to come here or her to go there and do not want her to spend her estate on care. I kind of feel stuck.

Catlover, I see from your profile that your Grandmother lives with you. Are you the only family that she has left?

As elders ages then tend to get grumpy as they are unable to do the things that they liked or could do a few years ago. I know I would be grumpy, too... in fact I am :P And elders miss being around people of their own age group, to talk about the old times, actors, big band music, etc.

Also, your Grandmother could be scared to be alone, so she will snap at you for being away. Depending on your Grandmother's medical needs, she could live for another 10 years. Would Grandmother be interested in moving into a place where there are others of her generation? Such as Assisted Living? Or are funds an issue?

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