Dad says "Put it in writing" trying to convince him to pay for his caregiving.

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Dad is 84 and in poor health. He's currently living with my brother and sis-in-law (SIL) and has been there nearly 6 months now. Needless to say, he's changed their lifestyle. He's often unsteady on his feet, has "accidents" often, and needs to be watched/looked after whenever he's awake. My SIL, fortunately, doesn't work outside the home and is available to keep an eye on him all the time and she's doing a wonderful job. However, his care is taking it's toll... my brother says my SIL falls into bed each night totally drained of energy. Neither he nor her are getting a full night's sleep, as he's often up during the night to "fix" himself something to eat and one of them needs to get up and watch to make sure he's safe. Half the time, at these times, he's confused and doesn't even know where he is or what's he's doing. He cooks food in the microwave for 5.00 minutes rather then 50 seconds, turns on the water and leaves it running, etc.. I think you all know the situation I'm describing.

I've been talking to him over the last few weeks about his need to compensate my brother and SIL beyond just paying his living expenses (share of the groceries and utilities). I've proposed he pay 1,500.00 to them, above and beyond those costs.

He's got the money to do it and he's agreed with me that they are going far above and beyond as far as their care of him is concerned...but it's been three weeks and he's not paid a thing yet. My last conversation with him ended with his saying that he wants me to "put it in writing" what I want him to pay and why he should pay it.

So I need some help...I've researched the cost of in-home care in his state, but I need to write more then just that...it's the why he should pay them question that I'm not sure how to put in writing. I don't want dad thinking that my bro and sil are caring for him only for the money... I'm the one who brought up the whole thing in the first place. Both my older brother and I (who live in a different state from caregiving brother and SIL) are on board with this... I'm POA for dad though, and that's why I'm the one ram rodding this.....he does tend to listen to me on matters of finance, although he is his own Trustee with me as co trustee.

Anyone have any suggestions as to what I can say that would convince Dad that paying them is the right thing to do?

Thanks for any helps in advance and happy caregiving everyeone!

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Ba8alou...how can we forget Pat Paulsen! LOL!
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DebraLee... what a very nice thing to say. Thank You ;-)

I have to admit, reading so many of the discussions here at aging care have helped to guide me in this as much as anything else. I love that the advice in here helps me to look like I know what I'm doing when I'm really just learning from those who've been through it all before me. It's not only in my dad's best interest to see to it that my brother and sister in law are well taken care of, but also will help give peace of mind to both myself and my older brother who are far away and can only offer advice. It's simply a win/win situation for all of us.

I also owe much to my mother who talked my dad into choosing me as the POA. She was the family peacemaker, always solving disagreements in such a way that everyone was happy, not afraid to seek out books by experts for answers from those who had been in similar situations and I followed in her footsteps (using Google now, rather then the library though). She knew I'd be the one to reach out, seeking knowledge and advice to help make decisions in situations I knew little about. I think she also suspected dad would see her in me and be more inclined to listen to me then to my brothers. She died 6 years ago from Cancer...she went quick, but was bright enough to take care of business before she went. I do miss her so much...she was a brilliant woman.
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Dustien, as a POA and not a 24/7 caregiver, I applaud you for your compassion and common sense approach to your brother and sister-in-law as your father's caregivers. You are truely a unique individual with a great sense of empathy. If only their were more like you in this crazy world of caregiving!
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Don't forget Pat Paulsen!
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Garden Artist....I think the other popular write in character was Alfred E. Neuman and he was indeed the Mad magazine character. My husband would vote for him to this day... LOL!
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Captain, I certainly won't disagree about the influence of money men in shaping elections. The amount of money that flows behind the scenes, as well as the special interests that manipulate it are almost unfathomable.

In 2012 some organization mounted local attorneys as candidates for judgeships. The flyers sent out were so amateurish - a man and female standing back to back grinning, like two little kids who just finished playing on one of those little merry-go-round things. Not something you'd expect of a judicial candidate.

The whole approach was so amateurish, but the interesting aspect was that I couldn't figure out who their backers were. The candidates themselvs had little public presence. I traced the backers to some unknown outfit in Virginia (more beltway bandits?) and that's as far as I could get.

I found it interesting that our local circuit court elections were targets for some unidentified interests.

Now it's legalization of marijuana. Several cities in this state have been targeted by a man apparently with enough money to make this his calling. Too bad he doesn't donate it to a worthy charity organization instead.

Your comment on GWB gave me my laugh for the day. Do you remember when folks used to protest the choice of candidates by writing in "Donald Duck" or some other cartoon character? There was another one too - can't remember the name (on the tip of my tongue) but it was a comic character, from MAD magazine I think.
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gardenartist,
dont generalize too much about male attitudes . we'dda had a woman as our last president if id had my way . i voted for hillary in the primaries but our elections are a farce . somehow the press and the money men install who they want . aint no dam black man won no dam presidency in this dam redneck country . im tickled to death with the guy buy he did not win the vote in the usa , electoral or otherwise .. its a procession of political correctness . remember gwb ? yup , we even had to have an intellectually challenged ( retarded ) president to keep the procession looking fair . next itll be some gimped out sob in a hoverround , then probably hillary
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Amazing, Thanks for your thoughts.. It might come to that in the future, but for now my brother and sister in law both would not even consider it. The time might come when, as POA, I might have to press the issue of AL or NH care, but it's not here yet. As long as they are willing and able to care for Dad, and his health is relatively stable, and they, who are on the front line, feel it's the best option for dad right now, then I'm all for what they are doing. I just expect Dad to pay them for being on the front lines.
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I think your dad needs to be in an assisted living facility. It's too much for your SIL regardless of the money. If he can pay them he can pay for one, He may find he really likes it. Don;t wear that poor woman out.
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Garden Artist, you had some great thoughts to, and I'm forever greatful to you, and everyone else in here who offered help. What a brilliant group of folks are hanging about in here. And a big thank you to the group who created this whole site, agingcare.com! Kuddo's to them and I hope it' a huge success for all involved so they will be able to financially care for their elderly parents in comfort, if and when the time comes. At least they know where to go for great advice... ;-)
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