I am trapped in my own life and feeling guilty for it.

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I'm a newbie here and needing some reassurance. My mother-in-law has been living with us for the last 9 years. And I am exhausted. I work full time, am diabetic. I hate coming home to be told what to do and how to do it, and to have her continually bring up my shortcomings to my hsbd. I do her laundry, take her to her appts, take her on weekly grocery shopping outing for her snacks, cook her main meal of the day. She does nothing to help around the house, but has plenty of ideas on what needs to be done. She is physically capable of setting the table, running a dust rag, etc. And I feel like I have no time for myself; then I feel guilty for feeling this way. She is the only parent we have left between the two of us. But my hsbd and I have very little "our time" and the stress is beginning to show. This has been quite the financial burden as well. She pays $300 a month to help with expenses, but at this rate I will need to continue working until one of us dies and I will be really peeved if she outlasts me. It feels like a merry-go-round that I can't get off.
I am a quiet person and she just won't quit talking. I find myself fantsizing about running away or what it would be like without her. But then I feel like a bad person for having those thoughts.
She has isolated herself from friends and family, doesn't call to connect with them, refuses any invitations to go out with us or others.

What is appealing is having her in some sort of assisted facility. We worry about her safety as she has a tendency to fall. We have provided her with a Rescue Alert, but she says she would be too embarrassed to use it.
Wow - this has really been a pity party. Sorry to go on so - I guess i really needed to get it off my chest. Any suggesions or ideas on how you've dealt with similar situations would be greatly appreciated. Until then, I guess I'll just keep keeping on.

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erinsf, of course you matter!!

You are thinking of moving out? Of your own home? Would husband move with you? Wouldn't it be far more logical to move your mom out? Can she afford a memory care unit? Does she qualify for Medicaid? Are there memory care facilities in your area that accept Medicaid? Lots to look in to ... but spending the effort to look in to it seems for useful to me than finding a place for you to live. However, if your husband is opposed to moving his mom out, then letting him handle it on his own may be your only recourse.

She isn't allowed to pay you rent? Huh? My mother pays my sister rent. It is done all the time, with the full knowledge and approval of Medicaid. What statute does this lawyer claims that violates? Are you seeing a lawyer specializing in Elder Law?

I had a personal care attendant help me care for my husband. She got him up, bathed (somedays), teeth cleaned and in, hearing aids in, shaved, dressed, and made his breakfast. She helped him with his exercises, took him for walks with his wheelchair, did puzzles with him, prepared his lunch ... it was an enormous help to me. If you are hiring a caregiver, arrange it so she (or he) does the activities you want done.

But fundamentally the issue is that you are not in a mental state right now to be responsible for another impaired adult. You and your husband need to come to some agreements on what needs to be done and how best to remove her from your home. You can't go on like this. And you do matter.
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Well, you DO matter! Time for a sit down with hubs and put your heads together to come up with a viable and FAIR solution to this problem. Many of us on here have been dealing with this stuff for years, I for one do not recommend it. If I had only known then what I know now I would have had a contract of sorts to begin with. I think you might want to discuss the financial situation with another elder attorney as well. Do not use up YOUR life being angry and lonely and stressed.Think about it, is that what our parents wanted for us when they were in their right minds? I know mine didn't! I also know that mine declined to care for my grandparents when they were old and I stepped up to give my aunts some respite, yet here I find myself!
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I feel trapped. I am trapped. my husbands mother is living with us because she couldn't live with the brother who stole from her. which I fully support. But, I am now the primary care giver. My husband and I have her in our home 24/7. She is 91. She can't go anywhere. She has limited mobility. I plan to get a caregiver but, I will still have to wake her up, feed her three meals a day et al. I am tired. My own mom died 5 months ago....his mom moved in two months after that...not a lot of getting used to my mom dying here....she had cancer for 5 years. it was terrible! Then this summer, dad had a pacemaker put in and for the last three weeks he has been hospitalized over an hour away because of a triple bypass and infections.....weeks to go on that one. I have considered moving out but it costs upwards of 2200 to get a one bedroom apartment in the SF Bay area. I will stay at dads for a bit...but that is a long way from my husband. I am only 46 ...he is 58 and stressed and not sleeping and I don't want this to kill him. I am stressed. I know I am losing years from my life each day with every tear .....and Xanax and Prozac and wellbutrin! Having a caregiver will help a bit but, our home isn't large. So we will have even MORE persons here. I want her gone. We do not have power of atty. But, mom has dementia. We want to put her in a memory care facility but this is tricky. A lawyer we saw said she isn't even allowed to pay us rent?! I AM LIVID, LONELY, CRYING, TIRED, and feeling very insignificant and like I don't matter anyway.
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My mother is law moved out after 5 years and there is now a weight off of my shoulders. I tried to help her but I realized that she was going to live her life a certain way and would not change. I think she wanted to change but didn't have the motivation to do it. We couldn't do it for her. It was driving me crazy living with a person who said one thing and then did another. If it effected only her, that's one thing but it didn't. I was so unhappy. She is now free to live her life the way she wants to, for better or for worse but it isn't under my roof for me to see daily anymore.
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Do you belong to a Church? If not, I would strongly recommend that you look around for one you like. The Lord is the greatest friend, counselor, healer,.... I thought I was going to loose my Mom last spring, scared me right into Church. I've been attending pretty regularly and my life is really changing! My siblings do nothing for Mom. I was so angry. For some glorious reason, I have no room in my heart for anger right now. I hope my heart never changes back to the way it was just a few weeks ago. I wish you peace, comfort, love, and health.
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I don't know how you did it for 9 years, or how anyone can do it for even more than a few months. The suggestions on your question will hopefully help me
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Nope don't feel quilty...you know how many stories are right here on agingcare with the same notion...hundreds upon hundreds. Well there are a few out there that love the burden...lol! I won't go there...they know who they are!
Well geez if this woman is able bodied now and it's sucking the life out of you now....well just think as she gets older and becomes more disabled and dementia sets in...oh boy ...get ready for that...this is nothing to what comes later...take what you experience now and mulitply it...now does it help with an answer? She needs to go to Adult day care or something to keep her busy...or have her help with small chores..or better yet the suggestion of going away for a period of time and letting your hubby deal with mommy dearest will also bring things to light...go do it...say your going on a Christian retreat or something like that.
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WOW! Nice to know I am not the only one who feels guilty. I care for my Mom and Dad in my home and somedays I to want to just run away from it all. I quit my job about 6 months ago, because I felt I was being stretched to far. I really wish now that I would have kept my job. At least I got to see and speak to other adults. After almost 2 years of cargiving I finally decided that I NEED A BREAK!!! In exactly 19 days my Mom and Dad are going to an adult day care home. I feel guilty, because they are both expressing the fact that they do not want to go. I bit the bullet and finally told them it is the adult day care or a full time nursing home. The adult day care will take over as their primary physician, they will be bathed there, fed, entertained, excercised and socialized. I know it will take them and me a while to adjust, but I think in the end it will be good for everyone concerned. Mom and Dad just sit all day now and scream at each other, so at least now when they come home in the afternoon they will have something to talk about. I know all of us feel guilty a lot of the time, but we really have nothing to feel guilty about if we are doing the best we can. I too have sisters and a brother who seem to have forgotten they have parents, they are the ones who should feel guilty. Good luck to everyone here and bless you all for what you do. We don't get the appreciation that we deserve in this life, but I truly believe there will be a special place for us in the next.
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Have you checked into assisted living facilities? They are amazing. Mom will be among people her own age, there is skilled nursing, 24 hour care, activities, recreation, trips, etc. You definatly need some down time of your own. If assisted living is not in your budget, there are many senior centers and home health companies that do a marvelous job. Try to remember that the care giver also needs care. You do need to be kind to yourself, take some personal time. It will make dealing with mom a little more tolerable. good luck to you.
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I"M wondering if your husband helps with his mom. You definately need some down time of your own. Is there a friend or family member that can "visit" with your mother in law, even once a week will help. Are there any senior facilities in your area that your mom in law can go to, to participate and socialize with others her age? Assisted living facilities are amazing, there is 24 hr. nursing, activities, recreation,etc.Many provide skilled nursing and are reasonably affordable. I would suggest that you check out some of these facilites, and maybe take mom for a tour, she just might like it! Good luck to you. Remember, the care giver needs to take care of herself first,
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