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Does anyone else feel tortured by their elderly parent? Does it seem like no matter what you do, it's never enough? Are you cussed at, ridiculed, belittled, put down......no matter what you do? Are you at wits end? Does you elderly parent always say to you....."just wait until you get my age and we'll see how you like it". I've said it before and I'll repeat it.......I would not wish caregiving onto my worst enemy! Comments?

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Marialake, that is tough. Are you still working full time? Can you get a sitter or agency in the home for certain times, so you can sleep? My mother does that too, but since I work only 3 nights (weekends) a week, I doesn't matter to me if she is up all night. But she will wake me up while I am trying tosleep sometimes, but then I get ugly, so she doesn't do it much. If I worked 8-5 weekdays, it would have killed me by now. I may have to try to get a sitter for her. She doesn't like strangers in the home, so I am going to the senior adult center, and look at their sitter list, or hope something comes up, so someone she trusts can stay with her at times so I can have a life. A coworker of mine suddenly died this week, so I cannot let my mother swallow my life and spit it out.
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I am having the same problem. The difference is that my parents were divorced years ago. My dad died this year, I am trying to take care of his house, and my stepmother (In a facility with Alzheimers) in one town, and my narcisistic confused mother in another town. I truly think she uses her confusion to her advantage. I also work 3 nights a week. She keeps forgetting why I have to go away for a couple of days, and says, "I never had to move around that much when I was working" I told her"it's because your parents did not divorce and your sister took care of them, not you." She didn't have an answer to that. She answers all the questions right at the doctor's office, but comes home and asks me who I am. And she begs me not to send her to an assisted living, but wants me there constantly. I told her she will have to deal with me being gone (my son sleeps there at night when I am gone) if she doesn't want to go to an assisted living. I am 58 and determined to find my own time. (PS I have one sister that lives in England. I have threatened to send my mother there. I wish)
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I am a 63 yr old widow. My MIL(alzheimers) has always had a nasty side and she is very stubborn. Although she forgets everything else............she hasn't forgot her nasty, stubborn "skills". Last night she refused to go to bed. Period. I was so tired and she kept saying she has no one left at all. I said "what about me?" She said "you're not my real family" and I just sat down on the floor and cried. After that it took another 30 minutes of cajoling to get her into bed. Sigh
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Roscoe, you are living my life except Im dealing with my 87 year old father. Every day is a battle. It literally makes me sick to my stomach. I wake up feeling sick or ready to cry every day. The day may start out nice then over something silly it will turn into screaming and yelling. Between my father who acts like a four year old, my three children and his HHA I feel like Im going to EXPLODE
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abusing others makes people who choose to view themsleves as powerless victims feel powerful - to strike out at/abuse those who will not strike back.
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good for you emjo! I havnt had a relationship in 4yrs not even one date!! how the hell did I get to here??
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Well. I am not waiting till I am 90. I am doing it now - tall, lean and a cowboy in his youth - younger than me - and a very nice, kind, intelligent man. You don't know what tomorrow holds, so live your life as you want it now, as much as you are able. It is never too late. If you are not happy with your life, only you can change it. Realise this - If you got run over by a bus tomorrow, your parent would be looked after somehow.
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OMG I go thru this on a daily basis! I have my own home & friends & family.She lives next door to me in her OWN HOME all alone with no friends or family. I must repeat a hundred times when I do go over "is that my fault nobody talks or calls you?" She seems to be INSANELY JEALOUS cuz I am a people person always friendly to everybody. She wants me to tell off my friends & family because they wont talk to her. Again is that my fault? YOU WONT CALL ANYBODY W/O GOSSIPING OR PUTTING ME DOWN!
No matter what I do for her, forget it. She just keeps on SCREAMING OR HOLLERING. I have videos & witnesses up & down this block. Again this happened & Im so sick & tired of her lies,etc. It happens EVERYDAY THO!!!!
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I'll take tall, French, and distinguished. :)
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Thank you god for this site! my mum says that to me everyday "lets see what youre like at my age?" HA! im going to be so fit,healthy and happy for starters im going to die happy saying "ok that was great whats next"!!!!!!!!!!! One thing this has thought me is get happy and enjoy life to the fullest! I want to die doing the tango in my 90s with some Argentinian YOUNG man!!
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This reminds me of when my brother's kids and I were helping Mom get out of the van. She grasped her walker and said, "I hope you never get old and have to live like this." I said, "You mean you want us to die???" Everyone cracked up except Mom.
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Omg Care4mom did my Mom sneak into your house? They are exactly alike..But mine says about senior ctr (they're all old) what the heck?she's 91..
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My mom doesn't torture me verbally but she has said that same line a couple of times........"I wish I could live long enough to see what you are like at my age." She's 74. My response? "No one knows what the future holds for any of us, mom. I'm just doing what I think is best for you as your caretaker." The last time I checked people needed to bathe/shower, have clean hair, keep up with their doctor appointments, etc. Sometimes I feel like saying, "I'm sorry if this takes away from your TV time and sitting in a chair all day long time." Far be it for me to do the right things as a caretaker.....geez........mom wants to sit in her bedroom.....with the door shut.....ALL.DAY.LONG! She did come outside on her own....two times....this week to sit on my deck......only because she knows I've mentioned taking her to the senior center 1-2 times a week to socialize and meet people.....I think she feels that if she sits outside, I'll drop the subject......but I won't......we will be visiting one very soon.
Her response about the senior center? "I don't want to meet people." Meanwhile, she talks to anyone who will listen to her when we are at the store, etc. I don't know why I allow this to bother me so much....I know my mom won't change.......but it does...... :0
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Oh yeah! I had a talk with her tonight and told her she had to treat me nicely if she wants to be here. I told her that my husband and I are "peaceful" people and we don't like chaos and drama. She asked what she could do and I just said, "treat me nice like Steve does". I also told her I don't want to live v in a war zone and she's going to have to let me do things like take a bath without telling through the house, "Where is everyone?" It's hard to tell what is dementia and what is plain meanness. I am hoping she remembers this since she recalls what she wants to and loves to feel on the negative. I don't think there is any excuse for being treated cruelly. That's my opinion, but I'm sick of the treatment. She can be sweet as can be to others, but so nasty to her "loved" ones. I'm calling her on it each time now since she says she doesn't know she is doing it. Now, she does. Let's see what happens.
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I sympathize. Long story short, I've got a toxic grandmother and I thank my lucky stars that I DON'T have to be any kind of caregiver to her. Visiting her is bad enough.

What would happen if you just laid down the law? Just said "That's enough. If you continue speaking to me like that, I'll walk. You'll have to take care of yourself."
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My mother would get that way from time to time, and it was really hard to deal with some of the things she said, I was always the trouble maker as a child and for some reason as an adult my whole family still acts and treats me like im a bad guy, including my mom sometimes. Yet in the end the only one in the family willing to give up their life to care for mom, was me. The thing that annoyed me most was how she still acted as if i was a kid i had to get her permission to leave the house. lol.. so i know how you feel, I think maybe they dont want to admit to themselves how much they really are dependant on us so they go on this type of attack to show how "independant" they are, or want us to believe they are.
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