Took Mom out to dinner tonight for the LAST time.

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Her behavior is bad enough in private, I don't need to deal with it in front of the world, where she is perceived as rude and obnoxious, instead of ill. It's not that I care about what strangers think....It's about the way she hurts my, and others feelings, with her nastiness. She was so mean to my 4 yr old nephew (her grandson) that he and I BOTH cried. Done venting. Valium. Bed. Thanks for listening.

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That is really hard BoniChak...sorry you are in such a difficult position. Remember, you can only do so much. And if you don't take care of yourself, she will not have you to help her and neither will anyone else. Take some time to take care of yourself. Even if you may feel you are risking something. Life is gonna happen regardless of all of your efforts. Put some of it in God's hands. Get your groceries :)
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Every time my husband's mother makes a rude comment, we say nothing. She repeats herself continually, but "silence is golden". We have limited ourselves to taking her out because of her rudeness. This is nothing new, she has been like this her whole life. Although she has slight dementia, she feels other people are beneath her and she is truly lonely and miserable, and therefore criticizes others I think, to make herself feel better.

Good luck, know that other people share your world. The other day she told me "you hate me" because I would not allow her to have things her way.

Bless you and your patience.
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Jessie mix water and vinegar half and half in a spray bottle and spray potty -it will clean it and kill germs and smell better.
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Jessiebelle, I was charmed by your post. Did you share that on your facebook page, too? LOL

Seriously, what a riot that this is. We are like the mothers of newborns talking about their diapers. We can predict some of the behavior of our charges, but they still manage to amaze and horrify us.

Hang in there!
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I wanted to give everyone an update on the elevated toilet seat that I was putting off installing. I installed it a few days ago. Sure enough she didn't like it, so I uninstalled it right away and put her smelly potty back in place. It is so hard to keep that thing clean smelling.
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Been there done that... but hang in you will be glad you did... Just lost my mom and would love to be humilated again...
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Raven it is sad that doc yelled at her-she could not help it at that time she was not aware of her behavior if I was there that doc would have gotten an earful -I was a nurse -no one who is aware of what they are doing would pull out an IV it hurts when it is yaned out like that.
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When my dear MIL died at 100, I cried hard next to her body. My husband stood seemingly unaffected at the foot of the bed and I thought that was cold and cruel. I asked him why he wasn't expressing emotion. He said, "That is not my mother." I could not understand that attitude because to me the body-carrier-of-personality is a shrine. Then I witnessed my own mother's mental bitterness and decline. She had always been blunt and mean, but she treated US like you describe treatment of waiters and service staff. She was especially vicious with her 20-something grandkids. In retrospect, behind that cruelness I believe was a vestige of her lifelong sense of mission to "straighten up the lousy world and rotten kids." Her own peculiar form of Don Quixote's mission, her tongue-as-sword clinging to power and control. I then recognized that I never really knew her. Granted, she was mentally ill all my life, but as a child I was attached to her and had to project her love for me so I kept trying and trying. Once I realized I didn't really know her, not really, I have been able to try looking at her through new eyes. I stopped going out with her long before her death. I suspect people who want to "go out" with a person really want to keep their shrine of the relationship vibrant and not let go of the person they thought they knew. Your mother probably was not as troubled as mine, making your outrage all the more emotional and unfair, and you never had to learn to deal with inner ragings that seem to pop out when aging (or brain issues) devastate self-control. I think you are wise to no longer go to restaurants. I don't know if it is possible, but maybe, if you want to evolve without letting her go, there might be a way to try to figure out what her anger is about. Probably not, but it can be quite revealing to set aside our own feelings and try to get into the head of someone we used to know quite differently. I am so sorry you have lost your mother as you knew her. You are not alone. Take good care of your sensitivities, they are your maps for your future.
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BoniChak: I am sorry that your evening at the restaurant went so badly. It is so nice to be able to get out of the house for a nice meal and then to have something like this happen that puts everyone into tears....well that tends to put a damper on things for sure!

I wish I could get my mother to agree to going out to a restaurant to eat. She never leaves the house unless it is a doctor appointment and that is under protest!

Today was a good day for my Mom and we talked a bit about how rude she was to the Ambulance Driver and the nurse last week when she was hospitalized and how she had pulled out her IV and the doctor yelled at her and how she basically told the nurse to go to H---, she could get up and walk the halls at night if she wanted to and she was NOT going back to bed! She said, "I just don't know why I do those things!" I told her that we knew it was really her doing it, that she didn't realize how mean she was being. She said something though that made me think...she said, "I think I was scared." She may have been, but it came out as hostile and defiant.

It is funny in a way that we still carry the hurt, long after the insult or injury they have caused us and yet with my Mom at least, in 15 minutes she doesn't remember anything and it is a whole new day for her. Although I don't want to lose my memory, it would be nice to be able to "drop it" whatever "it" may be, that fast and move one with our lives rather than harbor anger or resentment.

Next time you are in the mood for a meal you may have to do what we do, get it "To go." At least you will still be able to enjoy a nice meal, even if it must be within the confines of your own home.

God Bless You!
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That sounds like a handfull. I can sympathize. My Mother doesn't have dementia but is in a lot of physical pain all the time. Her initial reaction to this was to cut ties with all friends & essentially the entire world. THe result: Now she's alone, bitter, and needy. Afraid to leave the house alone and depends on me to hold her hand for things as simple as running to the corner market.
Its really sad to see someone who worked so hard and provide so many opportunities for me as a young person be so needy, scared & generally inept at being in public. Shes SO SCARED, in fact (OF everything from germs to bugs and other people) that just the strength to overcome that fear is read outwardly as a REALLY BAD F'ING ATTITUDE and RUDENESS. It's humiliating, yes. And i feel ity at the other end of that spectrum. Makes life interesting though, no? You go out... and you just never know what's going to happen.
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