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Hi everyone. I am not sure what topic I really should put this under. I saw my therapist today and I was completely honest with her that I am not eating anything all day. I have talked about my struggles with anorexia a little bit but everything else that is going on I haven’t shared what is going on with my health. It’s obvious that my husband sees the weight I have lost but he doesn’t know how bad it’s getting because I am lying to him. I am trying to hide the weight loss but I can’t hide the (starvation brain) as my husband calls it. My therapist is really worried that I am going to crash with everything that is going on. Rationally I know what I have to do but it’s doing it. I have dealt with this for 39 years and it’s all I know. So today I am going to be honest with my husband and my friend and you all. So this is really not a question it’s just opening up. I just don’t want to bother anyone. It’s like the only thing I can control at this point. Thank you for letting me share.

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Staffbull,
Based on what you have written, I think that you are handling the farm problems JUST FINE! You are to be commended for NOT GOING to the Farm Sale this weekend. The doctor is right, you know what to do and you are doing it. Keep up the good work!!!!

As to your Mom, YOU will have to decide when "Later" is, because SHE never will.

"a fil who thought he could walk to the coffee shop. my husband said let him try. i did." Oh, Great!! Your husband thinks that his father is able to walk to the local coffee shop, even though he has only been in town for less than a week?!? That's a good one! You will need to learn to laugh at this type of situation while still being concerned about your FIL's welfare and wandering. Keep everything in perspective.

Take care of yourself. God Bless! ^^Prayers^^ & {{Hugs}}
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hi everyone. first i will say i have put a boundary up with my mom regarding the farm sale. i had a good talk with her explaining how she can come up here with me after her doctor appointment friday so she is not there for the sale this weekend. however i can’t be there for it. i don’t know why but it’s her decision to be there. second, i think the reason she wanted me on the call with the lawyer is is she doesn’t want to handle it. i am in complete shock that she is having me still do her bills. but i don’t want to be the person responsible for the farm it self. she is totally capable of handling it. i will say. we need that contract. she really needs to be paid everything of the 27,000 on november 1. the 20,000 she got for the bathroom is not going to be enough for the bathroom, taxes and her medical bills. for years i have asked her to sit down with my brother and i with all her bills and what they made so we could show him that she is barely making it. i will say she did spend a fortune on christmas. she does it every year. i am currently fighting to get her medflight stay to go towards her in network out of pocket. some did others went toward a 10,000 out of pocket. this is the hospital that told me she was covered at the nursing home all she needed was transportation. this is the place that told her to tell me not to worry it’s in network. she has a in network out of pocket 5500 her out of pocket for out of network is a combination of in and out. she does have a 360 copay for days 1/5 it’s covered but it went to her out of network. that’s a big difference. ironically the doctor that told her not to worry was out of network. the day she was medflight which medical emergency one doctor is billed as in and another ad out. money is getting tight and i don’t want to be responsible for everything. i did talk to patient relations and they will pass it on about the caseworker saying that the nursing home was covered and it wasn’t so another patient doesn’t go through the same thing. i said how does that help us. they said it’s not what they decide it’s the insurance company. well i talked to the insurance company and they said it’s the way they billed it as a out of network on one and on another it was billed as in network. they billed out of network because she has coverage for it. i have been doing this for 8 hours and dealing with a fil who thought he could walk to the coffee shop. my husband said let him try. i did. i already messed up and when i was trying to clean drawers out for my fil i donated old eye glasses.? i threw out my husband back up pair. thank god i let his friend know he is living with us and he was going to pick him up but he wouldn’t wait. his friend stopped by 10 minutes later and he stopped and picked him up. he barely got down the hill. i was going to check on him. now tomorrow he will say he can do it again. but the last reason i really needed to post was i went to the doctor for a biometric screening for my husband work. they weighed me usually i don’t want to know but i am really scared. i have lost almost 20 pounds since february. 10 in the last month. i am at 103 pounds. i know that my husband said that if my mom didn’t need me i would be in treatment. scary thing is is my doctor isn’t worried. she said i know what to do. yes i do know what to do but i am really struggling and then trying to handle it all. i am ready to break. sure my mom says that i need to eat and take care of myself. yet she has put everything on me. i am losing a brother. i have a mom that can manipulate me to do everything, she doesn’t want to deal with it but it’s not my responsibility. she really should have been talking about this instead of her damn will every week for a month and a half. my brother was right when he said she will we will do it later. later never comes and it’s biting her in the ass. but it’s effecting me. i don’t want a pity party for myself or blame anyone. i am a big girl and i have choices. but i am so overwhelmed and i feel like a failure. i was actually 125 last summer when i got out of treatment. i was doing awesome too awesome and i crashed into a depression. i have never gone through depression like this. i always hid it (imagine that) it was debilitating. i then hung around 120 until i lost 7 pounds in two weeks. i got back up a little. i stopped seeing my treatment team in december when i thought i had it. but then everything happened between both my mom and my fil. i have gone back to a therapist here, but i went from a top notch dietitian and therapist to nothing. i am once again sorry for writing so much. if anyone has any suggestions on anything i wrote i would appreciate it. the insurance and the hospital which way do i turn. i worked for blue cross and we never passed the buck. i know i can appeal but no one wants to take responsibility, the provider gets paid the exact same way it’s how it applies to my moms out of pocket. okay that’s probably not what i should be worried about. anyway again thank you for listening to me and letting me ramble all over the place.
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Staff, wow, I'm not sure why your family has imploded, I know what you told us, it just seems that something happened between your parents and your brother that has nothing to do with you, but he and his wife sure are making you the bad guy. I'm sorry that they won't have a grown up conversation with you. You are not responsible for their actions.

You are right, you asked God for an answer and then you got bit by your SIL, sounds like an answer to me.

As far as if you are praying right, I don't think if you are sincere and honest that you could do it wrong. It is important to be still and listen for answers, God is faithful to keep His promises, I was told by a very wise old man at the very beginning of my walk with Jesus, "Read your bible, pray and give God praise for ALL things" it helped me so very much and still does. I talk to my Lord all the time, read His word daily and give Him praise for all things, good, bad and ugly. Scripture tells us, "For we know all things work together for the good of those that love the Lord and are called according to His purpose " I cannot tell you how much that helps me through the tough spots.

Keep praying and trusting, no matter what and you will eventually see the end of the tunnel.

God bless and keep you close during this hard trial.
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Staff,
You know when you're cleaning out a closet, or under the sink, or the garage? Half way through pulling everything out, you look around and it looks like a tornado came through.??

Until we inventory what's there, see what's usable, what's broke and must go, what's broken but salvageable..etc...

Well when God is working in our lives it's much the same. Right now it looks like a big mess everywhere you look, right? God's taking it apart, making some changes and will put it all back together again. He's not done yet.

It's great to "turn it over" but stop taking it back. It's not yours to deal with, worry about or try to fix anymore.

*We made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God, as we understood Him.*

Seriously if you want the freedom the program promises us, I suggest you work with your sponsor. Learn how to *practice these principals in all your affairs.*

We were given a design for living, follow it.

Remember in the promises it says...
*We'll intuitively know how to handle situations that used to baffle us.* ?

 Wouldn't that be nice right now?

It's up to you Staff, good luck.
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sorry i need to add something i messed up i never should have stopped they even put the birthday card my mom sent him back in her mailbox. also when i was praying i feel like i am doing that wrong to but i asked god to forgive me for anything i have done. of course i messed up and this affected my eating for the day i had a ego waffle and a frozen meal with 270 calories and a rice krispy i can’t let them have all this control over me. any suggestions i would really appreciate. and our trip to the bahamas seems a lifetime ago. maybe if you all could join me in praying for my mom and that he is going to pay her and just some sort of peace i would really appreciate it. love you guys and thank you from the bottom of my heart
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i am going to add to this post. i have been doing better with the eating because i don’t want to die. but it’s still quite a struggle especially today. my husband found my brothers safe online and he is selling absolutely everything even his vehicles, it kinda hit me but i am trying to let it go. my mom said she doesn’t want to talk about it and everything is going to be fine. well i don’t always believe what she says. anyway, i left to come down about a half hour before my husband. backtrack for a moment i have been going to my meetings and everyone said i need to step back and accept what is going on because i have no control over anyone else i only have control over myself. so on the way here i am praying to god for peace and that he has a great life. i questioned god if i am even doing it right. then i asked for the right thoughts words and actions. then i was judging myself. well i continued to my moms and i was crying and then i was okay and as i approached my moms house my sister in law was checking the fence and i stopped and rolled down the window she jumped off the gator and pointed her finger at me (i was terrified she was going to attack me) she told me to stay away from her she will get a restraining order against me. i guess god gave me my answer stay away. i am so frustrated because i turn it over and things just continue to get worse. my mom said don’t worry everything is going to be okay. this hurt so bad. then my husband drove by them a little while after i did this time my brother was with her.
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Yep -- as Ahmijoy said. Keep coming back :)
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We love you too, kiddo.
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thank you all for all the love and support. i did talk to my husband last night. it was so hard because i don’t want him to worry about me too with everything else that is going on. he said he was happy that i came to him. he knew i was struggling and it breaks his heart to see me hurting myself. he said his biggest concern is that he is going to lose me. he just wants to see me happy that’s what brings him so much joy. like when we were in the bahamas we were so connected. also again when we were able to go to see bon jovi. i was dancing and once again we shared emotional intimacy which i feel is even more fulfilling than physical intimacy. It felt so good to be honest. i was really scared at first when i posted here. not because i was afraid of you all it was shame. but thank you for all your support. i actually did a lot better today. i am not ashamed of the fact i also have dealt with alcoholism. however, i am grateful that i have been in recovery for 5 years. i never thought i could ever live without alcohol. so i know there is hope. i am making time to get to my home group meeting and i am feeling much better. it is so true that with the chaos that is going on right now, the eating disorder is the only control i have in my life. i do get that feeling of accomplishment and euphoria when i don’t eat. as the program says turn my will over. I really do have so much to be grateful for and i don’t want to die. just for today i am going to take one meal at a time i know i keep saying this but your love and support has really touched my heart. love you all
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Admitting there is a problem is the 1st 50% of recovering.

Hugs to you for your courage and caring in opening up to share yourself with all of us. That was not easy, I know, I just wish I could wrap my arms around you and squeeze you tight.

I am hooraying for you at this moment, your first steps in your new life. No matter how hard it feels, you have shown us that you are strong enough to be victorious. I know we are all praying, rooting and pulling for you.

HUGS!
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Staffbull, I have been very impressed with you and your strength and resilience during this especially trying time for your family. Now, knowing what you are struggling with, I am even more impressed. Thinking of you. :)
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Staff- will be praying for you.
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You're in good company. I was very fortunate in that I was able to overcome most of my own issues years and years ago. I had some very wise counsel when I was young who explained to me that it was all about my need to control something, anything, when life gets hard. Now I've a few extra lbs due to thyroid disease, tho my dr says I'm now at a healthy weight. The carry-over is that I have to weigh myself at least once a day, but it's been over 40 years now, so if that's the worst of it, ok.
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I'm glad you shared, it's a real struggle, and nothing to be ashamed of, but a learned coping mechanism much like other addictions like smoking, over eating and even alcoholism.

Hopefully, the more you share here with us anonymous cyber friends, the more support you will receive, and it will help you to cope in the long run, as we are all struggling Caregivers, and we all have our weaknesses, and need the support, I for one am just the opposite, I overeat, or eat the Wrong things at the Wrong time, so I struggle with being overweight, and it's wreaking havoc on my knees, plus it's embarrassing too!

It's So hard caring for Loved Ones, and then add in the added stress from no good family members, and it is So Not Fair!

My husband has 2 siblings who never participated in the care of their parents, their Father lived with us for 13 years, the last 9 weeks of his life on Hospice til he passed away in our home, and neither one of them could be bothered to visit, call or even send him a cheerful card at the end of his life, nor even come for a funeral, so we instead chose to do a small, Us and Our kids and Grankids Memorial service of sorts.

After my husband finalized his Dad's estate, my husband flew to see his older brother to give him his inheritance check in person, spent 5 days (in a hotel) in the Arizona town where he lived, thinking that they could work on repairing their relationship and his Brother could barely eek out 3 hours time, to visit with him, so my husband spent the majority of the time, sitting around his hotel room, it was sickening!

My husbands Sister who lives in Northern California (we're in Seattle where they all grew up), recently called my husband (her youngest brother) to say she was on Hospice herself, and doesn't have anyone to help her, so my husband jumped on a plane to go to see her and help her if he could, but she acted So Crazy, and couldn't manage to string together a sentence that made any sense, let alone address any of her legal and end of life issues and possible sale of her home (the whole reason why he went there in the first place), that he had to leave after just 1 day, he just couldn't cope with her confusion, her nastiness and anger issues, so once again,  he had to find a hotel room, and wait out the time until his return flight to Seattle,  4 more wasted days, let alone the 700 dollars he spent on airline tickets and car rental!

It's strange, that some people are born Caregivers, and others (family members) are there just to cause problems, especially during times of crisis and when we need them the most.

I'm so sorry you are having to deal with a difficult Brother, and I hope things settle down once the property is sold and behind you. Just try to focus on your own well-being and the care of Your Mom, and let Brother do his thing. It's sad because as I recall, you two were once close. My husband and his brother were once close too, but now it's like he is so ashamed that he dumped All of the care of both his parents on my husband, that he can't face him, well he should be ashamed in my opinion! Take Care!
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Thank you for coming back and sharing. I know (as a farmer's daughter) just how hard it is to watch a farm leave the family and to watch the machinery being sold at auction. Let us know how you are feeling as the BIG DAY, (July ??) gets closer so that we can help you get through the Farm Sale.

We finally sold the farm house, a big Craftsman design, and in January 2000, the buyers put the house on beams, moved the house out into our corn field, drove down the rows of cornstalks and across their half-section (320 acres) to the house's new foundation. Mom and Dad were able to see the inside of the house after it have been totally gutted and remodeled. We had always wanted to do that, but never had the time. As one of the new owners said, "It is time for another family to make new memories in that house."

This is the time to make "New Memories" with your Mom no matter what your brother does. Take care of your self.
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Oh, Staff! Please be honest with us and with your therapist. We want you to be well. We treasure you.
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Thank you for sharing Staff.
I understand your struggles with food as I've had eating disorders all my life. People say "just eat", like it's really that easy.

But rest assured this is a learned behavior that can be changed. We use this as a coping mechanism. Plus we teach our brains to reward us when we starve. There absolutely is a dopamine kick up in our brains. ( The feel good chemical)

This is one of the most complex disorders as so much is involved emotionally and physically. Not just being skinny but the recovery and putting on a few pounds causes panic and relapse.

Please continue working with your therapist and dig deep. Journal as much as possible. You'll be surprised at what comes up.

I had done a lot of inner child work. One of the techniques we used was very powerful.

It was quite in-depth and too personal to put out on an open forum. But ask about it at your next therapy visit. And you can PM me anytime.

You deserve to eat and be healthy!
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