To all the believers those who believe in a higher power (whatever that is to you)!

Welcome back, CantDance! So good to see you posting again. Hope you are well.

Thank you Rbuset1. I am still having a hard time forgiving this person, but I am trying!

CantDance, you are so right. We can't change people, but we can keep them out of our lives if they choose to continue to hurt us. It is good to see you back! Thank you for your response!

Shell,

Forgiveness doesn't include giving the person who wronged you opportunities to hurt you again. You can't change people. You can only change yourself. Forgive, but do what you must to protect yourself from further harm.

I have found that there are some things people have done to me or treated me so bad that, I can not forgive them. Period. So, I have asked God to forgive me for that and I have forgiven myself as well. The best I've been able to do is not hate the person. Sometimes the hurt just goes too deep. But this is how I feel, I don't think most people feel this way. You have to find a way to live with these hurt filled memories that is easiest on you. The Lord knows your heart.
Take care. hugs

I want to thank everyone for your thoughts on this subject. You all have helped me more than you will ever know! I have come to realize that I can forgive him, but that doesn't mean he has to be in my life, nor do I have to help him in anyway!

Thank you so much! 💗☺

Hugs!!

I forgive but don't forget. I distance myself with people that constantly argue and fight. I want a peaceful life, it is too short and precious to me. Want to spend time with positive nice people.

My grandfather sang a song whose lyrics were ‘For old time’s sake, don’t let your enmity live; For old time’s sake, say you’ll forget and forgive’. Except that he sang ‘don’t let your enemy live’, which puzzled me as a small child.

Seriously though, if you have been badly hurt, you are unlikely to forget. Perhaps ‘forgive’ means ‘don’t wish for revenge’, not ‘put it out of your mind and act as though it never happened’.

Lea,

Thank you for your reply. I know forgiveness is for us and not them...I guess, I needed to confirm that I could forgive this person and not have them in my life! I do believe in the LORD and I want to do the right thing, but not have this person in my life and that it is ok.


Treeartist,

That is ok; I should have read more carefully. LOL


Gershum,

I agree with you 100%! I do believe "what goes around comes around" however that works, I don't really know! I do know that if I told this person I forgave him he would use it to hurt me again because that is what he does, plus, he really wouldn't care one way or another anyways. I am doing this for me!
Thank you for your thoughts on this subject.

Shell, I've had this conversation with Hubs and others on several occasions. I too have wondered about this.

I do feel that what goes around comes around. I don't think it's up to us how retribution is enacted. I think the universe knows and when a person needs to
pay the price for their actions they will get their just rewards. But I don't think that has anything to do with us or whoever they victimized. Our job of forgiving them is as others have said is for us not them. If they are true jerks they would not accept our forgiveness or care one way or the other anyway.

As for having them in our lives. Definitely not!

Shell, my comments about vengeance and karma were in reply to another question asked on your thread. The site didn’t give me an option to reply to the poster (Riverdale) who asked it so I just included it in my reply to you, thinking she would see it. I’m sorry you got more than you asked for!

Not sure what your question has to do with a 'higher power'........? Maybe you are asking if it's okay with God or your HP to stop allowing a 'loved one' who's hurt you to stay in your life?

You can forgive and never again either talk to or see the person who hurt you. You can forgive and decide they don't get to stay in your life. You can forgive and still consider them toxic. All of these things are your prerogative and are utterly, completely unrelated to you forgiving them or not.

Forgiveness is for YOU, not for THEM. We forgive so we can cleanse a sense of hatred/rage/resentment from our soul so we can HEAL.

I believe that as long as we treat people with decency and compassion, then all's well with God or our HP. As long as you're not hurting someone else intentionally and living YOUR life as YOU see fit, you're good to go!

Wishing you a lovely day, dear Shell.

Treeartist,

Thank you for your reply. I have no desire to take vengeance on this person, nor do I rejoice in anything bad happening to him! Actually, I feel bad for him because he does not know what he really is doing...hurting himself! Furthermore, I do pray for him because I know I have not forgiven him completely; I am a work in progress. He is not in my life anymore and now that I have gotten some answers I know he doesn't have to be for me to forgive him and I can leave it at that!

Maybe your right that it is not karma but the Lord doing what needs to be done, which I learned along time ago to stay out of God's business.

Thank you again!

Good afternoon, Shell,

As you stated in your question, we forgive as we are forgiven, “forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us” (Matthew 6:12). This might have to be done numerous times in the context of a relationship, but I don’t believe you have to forget the wrong done you. If the memory brings up bitterness and feelings of retaliation or vengeance, then you have not forgiven that person. But! ....forgiveness doesn’t mean we put ourselves into the line of fire to be abused over and over. We are “fearfully and wonderfully made” (Psalm 139), and we should use discernment to protect ourselves and our loved ones from those who would harm us. Jesus told his disciples to “be as shrewd (cautious) as snakes and as innocent as doves”
(Matthew 10:16). In this case, you might need to keep some distance between you and the person who harmed you.

In reply to Riverdale: as a Christian, I don’t believe in Karma. Look it up to see what it actually means. Praise God, there is no place for karma in the life of a Christian! Think about if we had to pay for every wrong thing we have ever done or will do in life! Jesus paid the price for all of it for those who believe in Him. It is true that there is a Biblical concept of “reaping what we sow”, but there is also, mercy, and grace, and forgiveness. If we are secretly desiring a comeuppance to someone who has wronged us, we have not forgiven them. One practical action toward forgiving someone is to pray for them all the things we would pray for ourselves. You can’t do this for any length of time without your heart softening toward them.

“Vengeance is mine, sayeth the Lord” (Romans 12:19). Does it happen that someone who hurts you seem to suffer for something later? Sometimes. But that is God’s business. We are not to rejoice in it. Besides, how do we not know that the bad luck or misfortune is God’s way of getting that person’s attention? “For the Lord disciplines those he loves....” (Hebrews 12:6). On the other hand, we all know of many, many people who seem to blithely go on to do damage all their lives with no apparent repercussions. I once had a student who had just been caught cheating on a test and was upset because his coach had found out. He received a zero on a major test and his coach benched him. I remember telling him, “the only thing worse than being caught doing something wrong, is doing something wrong and not being caught”. He knew exactly what I meant.

No.

Thank you Riverdale. I do hate Mother's Day!

I am my "father's daughter," which is a good thing. My brother is my "mother's son," which is why he is the way he is!!

Shell, I am so sorry for all you have endured. Today must be particularly difficult and I hope you get through the day knowing that although you came from the same set of parents you are not the same person with defects that have created such pain.

Riverdale,

I believe in Karma or we reap what we sow! Give it any name you want, but I don't believe in just happenstance. I have seen to much "what goes around comes around" in my life, usually through other people and what they have done!

Take my mother for example, she babied my brother. She stop being a wife to my dad and she really was never a mom to me all she cared about was what she could do for my brother. And if that wasn't enough she turned him against me because I guess she wanted someone on her side. She always gave my brother what he wanted when he wanted it. As my brother got older he became more demanding then he started to treat her the way she treated me. Finally, after my dad passed away and I had to move in with her WW3 broke out between my brother and myself and there was my mother caught in the middle of a war that she set up decades before. My brother hates me because the lies she told about me; he hates her because he feels that she controlled him his whole life. I have no love for her because she treated me bad and turned my brother and tried to turn my dad against me; plus, she will take whatever she can from me and always has and there are all the lies she told about me. Well, now she is stuck with the kid she hates, her son hates her, her health is very poor and because she acted like a power-ego-money-hungry-monster...when I first came back. She had to file bankruptcy after me living here for a yr or two and now she has no money and because my brother can't get any more money from her he has no use for her! Karma!!! That is how I see it!

I just have a thought I wish to put out to anyone who might choose to respond to. If someone in your past hurt you emotionally and took advantages that were provided and then that person suffered serious loss through no means of your own,do you believe that was karma or just happenstance? I suppose it could be either but I just wondered if anyone has any theory as to these thoughts?

No it doesn't.
Sometimes it's easier to forgive them when we don't live with them or see them anymore.
We can forgive and pray to be helped to forgive, but the other person's hurtful behaviour doesn't end, so then you just get stuck in a cycle, of having to forgive daily (or hourly).
I think it's best to be honest with yourself. Would there be more healing for you if the other person was no longer in your life?

Try to read some of Brene Brown's research. She has some good information about boundaries.

You do not have to welcome anyone into your life. In my opinion, (not Brene's) we choose to come into this life to learn certain lessons. People who hurt me are letting me really know what it's like to be on the receiving end of hate, gossip, ostracization...whatever.

After I've had the experience, I don't need to hang around for repeats. I've got the lesson. Be thankful for their role in your life and move along to the next lesson. That's my theory.

Thank you JoAnn for your reply. My dad passed away almost 6 yrs ago; however, his words live in my head! I did tell this person he is not welcome in my home and explain that he did abc and xyz to me, but he still feels he did nothing wrong. I am just trying to figure out if I forgive him does that mean I have to let him back into my life and by the answers here, no I don't!

Thank you again! 🐕

You forgive for yourself. But...you don't have to forget.

You can forgive "I forgive you for all the wrong you have done to me but...I no longer want you in my life"

Even though you have forgiven doesn't mean you subject your to his abuse. Tell this person, if you cannot figure why I don't want you in my life, then u really have a problem. Block him, don't answer calls or allow him in your home. This is your right. Don't allow Dad to make you feel any different. If anything tell him the person has lied about you and stole from you. You do not need this in your life.

My daughter had a GF from she knew since she was 7. At 24 my daughter bought a home. Often this GF and husband would show up around dinner. So daughter would feed them. No big deal. Then my daughter found money was missing off the counter Where she laid it. Packs of cigeretts were gone. And the coming at dinner time was getting old. Finally she confronted the GF. Told her she couldn't believe out of 17 yrs of friendship that she would steal from her. She then told her she wasn't welcomed in her home anymore. She forgave her, but the friendship was over.

Cwilly,
Thank you for your reply. You have given me some thing to think about! The person that I am trying to forgive is one who thinks nothing is his fault. He has used, abused, dragged my name through the mud, has stolen from me and creates division in my family and life. And for the life of him he can't figure out why I want nothing to do with him! I have lived most of my life without him; unfortunately, my dad has always told me that I should be good to this person, but when I am, this person just ends up hurting me in some form. My dad never knew any of this!!

I need to forgive him, but I don't want him in my life and I was just wondering if that was/is a possibility!

Thank you again! 🐹


Daughter1930,

Thank you for your reply and giving me a straightforward answer. It helped me that your answer went right along with cwilly's answer. 🐇

Now, I understand that I can forgive him, but I do not have to have him in my life!


Thank you both very much! 💗

Well said, cwillie!

We are called to forgive, just as we are forgiven, and it is both for our own peace and to release the burden of the wrong that was done and let it go. It’s a tremendous gift. But nowhere are we called to continue setting ourselves up for hurt and pain, we’ve been given a sound mind to learn from and not repeat what causes strife, including being around people that only cause issues.

The idea of forgiving someone who is unrepentant is a complicated one. At it's core I see it as making a personal choice to let go of the hurt, anger and need for validation or vengeance so that you can move forward in your life (I personally don't call this process "forgiveness"). There is no requirement to open yourself up to continued abuse from anyone as a proof of this forgiveness, although Jesus taught us to "turn the other cheek" the disciples were also told to shake the dust from their feet when leaving behind those who were not accepting, and to "have nothing more to do with"a "person who stirs up division" (Titus 3)