Time to kick her to the curb.

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My mother has been narcissistic, mean and nasty life long. I cared for her for out of duty for four hellish years. Now in a NH her journey down looney toon alley is outta sight - calling me screaming and getting me into a stroke/heart attack situation. I will visit, ensure she has all she needs and attend to her financis but I'm kicking her to the curb.

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It's not the same but we're always here for you. Hang in there girl!
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Thanks Lynne. I have been doing that and may rely on that again. I do think it is good to meet these people face to face so we both know who we are dealing with. They are making some important decisions. These one I have not met before. I think part of it is that my friend is gone. She was a real comfort to me when I went down and I don't have any girlfriends there any more.
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Veronica thank you.

Emjo do you have to go at all? It's so hard on you and puts you back to somewhere you don't want to be. Could you talk to the psych doc by Skype or some other means of teleconference? There are a lot of free programs/utilities for that purpose.
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Yes well done Lynne. Looking after you. I sure understand beating a hasty retreat when visiting. "You want something from the store, mother? I'll go right now." This visit I don't think I will see her at all as she hasn't been taking her juice with the meds in it, and I can't take any more of the paranoid accusations. We will see what the psych doc comes up with. I am getting tired of these trips...
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Well done Ashlynne you have done the right and only thing for your own survival. It is well known that the abused can't let go of the abuser and in the case of children often protect them and deny the abuse. You will heal because you want to and you have seperated from your abuser and put yourself somewhere where she can't reach you, Of course there is guilt it goes with the teritory but you have done the best you can and in the end that is all that matters. She would not be any happier or receive better care if you were looking after her and soon won't even recognize you.
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Just an update. Since my mini stroke, TIA or "funny turn" whatever you want to call it while driving I've been nervous to get behind the wheel, just going a short way along back roads to the village. Today, 2 weeks later, I went grocery shopping in the next town and I was fine.

I now take my phone off the hook at supper time and leave it off overnight. If my mother has a problem there are skilled staff on duty 24/7 and there's a hospital 4km away - I'll deal with it tomorrow. I don't know if I'll ever recover completely, but already I'm more calm and not living in fear and dread. Baby steps.
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I'm getting pretty good at fibbing. I hadn't been out for several days (snow drifts) but I had to get milk today so I dropped off chocolates, apple juice and dried apricots. She was in her room preening and powdering her nose because at lunch Joyce (a table mate) had said come to my room after lunch (which is done at 1 p.m.) and I'll do your hair. By this time it was 2.30 and Joyce was playing bingo.

Her call buzzer had been going for a long time and I turned it off as she didn't need anything. The staff care for her wonderfully but I suspect they're getting tired of running to her every beck, call & whim.

She started in on me about "Well, what do you think about me getting a house and someone to live with me. I'll have to advertise for someone. I can get in and out of bed, walk and go to the bathroom by myself." At that point a nurse came in and her attention was on getting to Joyce's room. I said well I must go take care of the dogs - I have a big lab and my mother's little dog, so that was fine by her - and I fled

As the nurse and I walked down the hall I confirmed with her that the standing, going to the bathroom alone and so on was completely untrue, just a product of the dementia. Out of the corner of my eye I saw my mother wheeling herself out to go to Joyce's room and get her hair done. I knew that once she discovered Joyce playing bingo and unable to attend to her immediately she'd throw a tantrum and cause a scene - I bolted like the devil was after me.

My new phone number is now in effect and I'm starting to feel better than I've done in years though I've a long way to go I'll still visit and take her treats but if she starts on me "I have to let the dogs out, they've been alone for hours" allows me to escape. A dog nut, very many years ago she got a puppy weiner dog and wanted it to sleep in the bed. My father (RIP) said no dogs in the bed so she moved to the spare room with the pup. My father spent the last 12 years of his life sleeping alone and going everywhere by himself as she preferred the dog. Nice lady eh?
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A reactions sets in after and you are pretty vulnerable. Glad you are being gentle with you.
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pstegman, that's what it comes down to in the end, surviving. Since changing my phone number I'm so tired all the time and a bit light headed. I've been staying up late, getting up to let my dogs out to potty then going back to bed for a while. I've only done basic chores and often napped mid afternoon. Somehow it's like the stress of a lifetime is draining away and, after 60 years it will take a bit of time.

I live out in the country and soon there will be hundreds of snow geese on the fields, the tree in the backyard will be in bloom and the asparagus & rhubarb will start to pop up. There are deer & wild turkeys, frogs and toads in the pond and I sit out on the deck until dusk drinking it all in. Nature feeds my soul and I feel that once spring arrives I will heal.
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