Follow
Share

I'm admitting that I went into this caregiving thing with a HUGE grudge because my Narcissistic father wasn't the best to deal with BEFORE he "got sick". Maybe I'm cynical, but I sometimes question if he's really sick or if he's just looking for a reason to continuously make my life a living hell.

Today was the last straw... he YELLED at me in a bank full of people. He accused me (again) of taking his money. He then screamed that my BF (whom he hates... I have no idea why) put me up to asking him for money and how we're not going to live off him. He called me all kinds of names that I dare not repeat... let's just say that he views me as a "lady of the evening"

It was AWFUL... so bad that I literally walked off and left him screaming in the middle of the lobby. This is a culmination of abuse over YEARS. He's been married SEVEN times... I've personally witnessed him physically abuse at least half of them.

My baby brother committed suicide. Daddy abandoned most of his 11 other living children...my sister and I have tried to be there for him, but she keeps her distance (recently returned to his life once her daughter went to college...how convenient).

I got stuck with him somehow. My sister (with the college child) ran away from home and my drug addicted mother left me with him. For as long as I can remember I had to care for him. I resented it. I grew up. I went to college. I moved away. I started living my life. He gets sick and BAM!!! "Lil bit" must save the day.

I TRIED. I can't take the abuse anymore. I tried to honor his wishes of not being put in a home, but I CAN'T DO THIS!!!!!! We tried independent living, but he can't even do that.

I was diagnosed with Pneumonia yesterday but I still got up to make his breakfast....his response: scream more... accuse me of faking my illness.

Something snapped in me today. I really could care less if he rots away in that facility. Maybe it's emotion, but I CAN'T do this anymore. My health is suffering... my relationship is on the verge of being over. I cry EVERY day. I don't even fix myself up anymore. I don't work out. I hardly eat. I'm always tired. My work performance has declined. He's GONNA KILL ME!!!!

so what's the deal with the money? I have full POA. IF i WANTED to take his money, I could easily CLEAN HIM OUT!!! I've NEVER done that. Guaranteed his other children would in a heartbeat.

Daddy has always been OBSESSED with his money. I think that's all he has. I HATE discussing it with him because he 1) gets confused or 2) doesn't remember the conversation then I get accused of stealing from him.

I'm ranting but I clearly pity this man who is going to die alone because he's so evil. Dimentia or not.... I should NOT be disrespected.

I'm revoking the POA. Let him figure out how to pay his own bills... I'm making him someone else's problem. I'm DONE!!!!

This discussion has been closed for comment. Start a New Discussion.

17 Comments

Newest
First Oldest
First
I'm back everyone. I ended up being hospitalized with the Pneumonia (Dad accused me of wanting attention...HILARIOUS).
I don't know why, but I'm still trying to honor this miserable grump's wishes and not put him in a full-on HOME. Instead, we are going to move him out of the super-expensive independent living facility and into a reasonably priced senior apartment with live-in care.

The sickness was a HUGE wake up call. Like surprise, the money just ISN'T worth it to me. If it was, I could have easily taken it. While in the hospital, my BF visited Dad every day and made sure he took his medicine (despite the fact that Dad refused to talk to him). I was hoping Dad seeing what it would be like without me would make a difference...no such luck.

I had done LITTLE contact before this happened at the advice of my therapist. This situation forced me to break that, and now I wish I hadn't.

Sadly, those days away from Dad were refreshing... that sounds terrible right?

I still have POA for now, but NO MORE trips to the bank. Sigh....
(0)
Report
hi
I don't have those problems although my mother keeps telling me to leave all worries about $$and my furture in gods hands??? I feel god has given me way to more..
care givers are the first to get sick and the stress of what your going thru sounds like it could end up causing very serious damage. Stress does terrible things in so many ways.. I ended up with congestive heart failure being married to an abusive alcoholic trying to keep the ship afloat..Now I care for my mom and have different stress... I can only hope that Im doing the best I can to prevent a relapse. but time for myself preservation is really hard to get.
I think there comes a time in some cases where we have to say enough is enough.... I did the best I could..
(2)
Report
Yeah, take care of yourself. Put your oxygen mask on first as they say. I know nothing about POA, even though I have one for my mom, none of the legal stuff makes any sense to me and the laws are different in every state, so without spending my money going to a lawyer, I don't know what I can and can't do.

You need to choose you. It's his fault he is in the situation he is in (not dementia, but being evil to everyone over the years). Take care of yourself. Lately I feel like my mom is just another chore I don't have time for. I love her, but don't like her anymore, she is so demanding and annoying and she is not one tenth what it sounds like your dad is. I'm pulling back and only doing what I have to for her, out of self preservation.

If you live with him, move out, or put him in a home. Get on with your life, that's my advice. I don't know how old you are, but any age is too young to give up the rest of your life for someone who's putting you through h*ll.
(0)
Report
I am an only child and made the decision to make a boundary to protect my family long before there was an issue with health. If mthr (missing something inside) would not treat me civilly, she would not have contact with me at all. When I made the decision to go no-contact, I fully expected to see not one dime of the inheritance I would normally have. I walked away from the money because money can't buy my life from me.

Fast forward 8 years. She was in bad shape, and APS asked if we could take her. I put her in memory care immediately, and I "care" from a distance. I will get the inheritance now, but what was more important to me was showing my kiddos how to do something for someone so unlovable that they ran off every person in the world with their meanness. It was only because I had that 8 year break that I was able to do this. Without it, she'd be a skeleton under some bush in her yard.

Is the money worth it? I walked away from PILES when I chose to save MY life. No money could pay me enough to sacrifice my well being for her sake. If you are worried about your sister getting control of his money, why? Do you really want to sell your soul? That's how I felt before I walked.
(0)
Report
Con: Unless he becomes totally incompetent, he will fight her on every decision. Who needs it? POA gives limited authority in a limited range of activities. It would not be sufficient to place him in a nursing home over his objections, for example. Who needs the hassle? POA is a very valuable instrument when the principle and the agent are working for the same goals. When there are serious conflicts, it may not be the best idea to retain that responsibility. And, of course, he can continue to threaten to take the POA away at any time. Personally, I don't think I'd want it.

Tinyblue has given this her best shot. It is time to let a social agency take over.
(3)
Report
Pro - he agreed to have her as POA. She clearly will do what is best for him, no matter how horrible he has been to her. That overrides most self-obsessed and agenda-based humans on the planet. We don't know how it will all work out as this brief life span on earth is only the beginning...could you imagine a life where there were no compassionate and caring people at all? That would be hell.
(0)
Report
About the comments advising to not relinquish POA. I'm asking about the pros and cons of this. If I were in this situation, I would want no more to do with this man and would leave him to his own devices or to the state. For sure I would not want to be legally tied to him in any way or have anyone come to me asking me to involve myself as his "POA" - is it really wiser to hold onto POA rather than just getting the heck out of Dodge?
(0)
Report
Your father is living in your home, according to your profile. If that is still the case, you will need to have him removed. Start this process immediately! First call your country's Adult Protection Services. You need protection from this abusive man, and he needs protection from his own dementia and mental illness. Call them tomorrow and explain that you CANNOT continue to have him living in your house. If they can help you with this, fine. If not, find out what the eviction process is in your municipality and give him formal notice and start that clock ticking. If he even threatens physical violence, call 911 immediately. Keep your cell phone on you.

You are in a completely untenable situation.You need to get out of it. And that starts with removing this abusive sperm-donor (he doesn't seem to qualify for the title "Dad") from your house.

And believe everyone who is telling you that none of this is your fault!!
(5)
Report
Tinyblu, it's clear you need some distance from this person right away. You might consider hiring a case manager RN who specializes in caring for dementia patients. They are accustomed to emergency calls. We used one and she was a huge help. caremanager and http://www.alz.org/stl/documents/gcm_tips.pdf
Put some distance between yourself and this person, for your sake. Many of us have been aggravated to the max, just like you and have found helpful suggestions here. I sure have. Take care.
(2)
Report
You have walked with him and tried to help him as long as you could. And far more than anyone else would. I agree with all the great advice here, and also that you should NOT relinquish POA. After he is secured in a place where professionals can care for him, you need a long, healing retreat.
(4)
Report
Has the POA been activated? Does it have a condition that he is incapacitated? If so get letters from doctors stating he is not capable of making his own decisions. Then it becomes your responsibility to choose his living situation. If you cannot do this contact Adult Protective Services to step in. Do not relinquish your POA! Without it your Dad could be responsible for figuring out everything himself which could be devastating for both of you.
(2)
Report
Yes, dump this dude, you owe him nothing. But I'd hang on to the POA. You may need to compensate your expenses and deal with inheritance etc.
(3)
Report
Just do it. You do not have to do this. No one can make you endure this abuse.

It's very sad that this is happening, but please remember that neither his mental illness nor the abuse is your fault. You might benefit from finding a therapist to talk to, even short term.

Can you physically leave so that you can take care of your pneumonia?
(4)
Report
Pam is spot on, Tinyblu. You are not responsible for this man's care. His dementia makes him a danger to himself and others because he will not allow anyone to properly care for him without verbally abusing them, which, with dementia involved and his history of physically abusing others, could eventually escalate to physical abuse or assault on those caring for him.

Call Adult Protective Services NOW. Revoke the POA and have done with it. You can move on with a clean slate knowing that you tried to do your best, but in the end, he required more care than you could provide.
(4)
Report
Amen to what Pam wrote. A caregiver does not have to put up with excessive abuse. Your father is pulling you down into despair. It is okay for you to follow the lead of your other siblings. If he is still competent, he can handle his own affairs. If not, the state can handle them.
(6)
Report
Tinyblu, have him committed. I'm surprised the bank didn't call the cops and send him in for a full psych exam right then and there. Protect yourself by calling county APS and notify them you are done due to all the abuse. I mean it; file the complaint against HIM. Let them pick up the pieces. You save YOURSELF and the sooner the better.
(10)
Report
Yeah, you. How close do you live to him? He clearly has mental problems and there is nothing that you can do about that.

I am not sure that you should give up POA. With it, you can get info about his health.
(0)
Report
This discussion has been closed for comment. Start a New Discussion.

Recent Questions


Popular Questions


Related Questions

Start a Discussion
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter