Thoughts on getting old.

Carelottsss,

I understand how tough it is. I cared for both of my parents too.

The trips to the hospital are draining on them and family members.

@NeedHelpWithMom

Thank you.

Yes, unfortunately I am consumed or you can say overly consumed when it comes to my dad. For example, he recently has been sleeping/napping during the day time quite a lot; when or wherever he sits for 5-10 minutes, he would fall asleep. I am terrified because i don’t want another hospitalization. We can’t handle another hospitalization. I am constantly worried and stressed out as he sleeps a lot during the day and appears weaker than last week. I really don’t know what to do. I pray that he will not decline or every be hospitalized again. I love him so much and wished i can care for him at home for as long as it takes.

My father had a stroke shortly after his heart surgery while he was recovering in the hospital.

We were relieved that he made it through his surgery, then he had the stroke.

He went to rehab, then he had home health to help but he was never the same man as before.

The amount of damage and recovery from a stroke depends on what area of the brain is affected,

My father lost his ability to speak well, drive, etc after his stroke. Speech therapy helped some but he still mixed up his words.

You sound like a person that has a tremendous amount of empathy. Empaths pick up on everyone else’s feelings and are continually drained because you care so deeply.

You could try going to therapy to speak about your emotions and learn coping skills to stay balanced.

Your dad appreciates that you care but I bet that he wouldn’t want you to be consumed by his health issues and desires to see you enjoy other parts of your life.

I know that it would make me feel badly if my children were only thinking about my needs and pushing aside any joy in their lives.

Try to find a balance of compassion for dad and finding pleasure, even if it is something small, like walking through the park, in your life.

Best wishes to you and your father.

@LilMelba

Thanks.

To answer your question:
I was thinking that the covid might of triggered the stroke and seizure. If he had been vaccinated, it may not occurred or it may be lessened

I think dying in our sleep would be the ideal way to go!

Every single time I read the heading on this discussion I think, beats the alternative, hands down.

I'm sorry your dad had a stroke that changed his life. But it won't help to keep blaming yourself with "if only" I had said this or done that. I have asked the Lord many times to protect me from ever having a stroke.

Yes, watching our loved ones fail is heartbreaking. And we can't stop it or fix it. We can just be there to give them the love, support, care, and comfort they need as long as possible. Sad, yes.

I am so sorry to read your sadness and I too am in the very same situation as you, so I can fully understand your feelings x
i try to remember that our dad would only want us by their side as their loving daughter we give the best we can. I feel the same as you and go into other rooms and cry a little, then carry on knowing they need you xx my limited advice to you would be to try and treasure as much as you can now and remember how loved you are by your dad. Please also remember to rest when dad rests, that’s easier said than done, but it helps your next tough hour or few days xx old age is awful and you never really know what it’s like until your nearest and dearest are there x I like you have nobody to care for me when the awful time comes and sometimes I think we must live life to the full because it’s so precious and there are carers who care who will care for you in future xx now grab each moment knowing these are precious times and I understand hospital but if you need them do not hesitate alone because their professional help will also help and take some responsibility from you, then you can eat a little more xx take care and as I type this I’m sitting next to my dad, in a specialist bed and I’m ready to move him so he doesn’t get bed sores xx transferring him to a chair in half an hour and then back to bed just like you with little tv and garden to look out xx please don’t feel alone, albeit it’s a lonely place xx remember you are doing something wonderful and you wouldn’t want anyone else doing the loving you’re giving xx stay strong and drink lots of water to keep your mind at it’s best due to the exhaustion you will feel xx xx

Very heartbreaking to watch parents age, decline then pass away. When I was young, mom&dad getting old or having a disease wouldn't happen. They were invincible in my naive mind. :(

"I am kicking myself, over and over… if i would of influenced him somehow to take the covid vaccine (cause he didn’t but we all had), he would not have end up having a stroke and seizure. Why didn’t I push harder"

Did he have the stroke and seizures as a result of a covid infection? It seems that he refused the vaccination? Please don't blame yourself because you didn't "push harder"!

I am curious, though...how and why did he end up coming to live with you post-hospitalization? Are you giving up a job (and your physical, mental, and emotional wellbeing) to become his 24/7/365 caregiver?

I am kicking myself, over and over… if i would of influenced him somehow to take the covid vaccine (cause he didn’t but we all had), he would not have end up having a stroke and seizure. Why didn’t I push harder

Thank you. I will take your wisdom re time and health is precious and make the best of life!

Thank you!

I'm so sorry you're going through this. You'll find that many (most?) people on this forum have experienced similar situations. It does suck. In a big way. The dad that always protected you is declining towards an inevitable end. I was in your exact shoes with my dad, my best friend. I was so worried all the time, about everything. I hope you won't mind me sharing something that helped me cope. I was always worried that something bad would happen to him. Then I realized, and reminded myself frequently, that something bad will inevitably happen. That is life, and we can't control or prevent that. That reminder helped me let go of my desperate need to control everything he did to protect him from being hurt. Because the reality was that he something bad would happen, and there was nothing I could do to stop it. So, I focused on helping him as much as I could, of course, but also prioritized talking to him every day and visiting quite often, telling him I loved him every single time, doing things that he loved (ordering a prime rib dinner, watching episodes of Blue Bloods that he not only had seen dozens of times, but that he never finished because he fell asleep in his chair), and being as positive as possible even when he would tell me constantly about the sometimes scary "people" that were in his house all the time (delusions).

It is heartbreaking. I don't blame you for crying - it's an awful thing to watch and experience and the tears are an important release. I saw a therapist a number of times who told me I was having anticipatory grief. It was true. I encourage you to talk with someone, even if it's just a few times. It helped me immensely.

I would hug you if I could. This is awful. Just know that you are not alone - it's a club that no one ever wants to be part of. I hope you will receive some virtual support here. I wish you strength and peace.

Yes, at some point in getting old, it does seem just awful. However, my grandmother lived until 89 and she actually did quite well. My mother helped her since grandma's late 70's, as mom lived upstairs from my grandma in a two family home. But my grandmother still had her mind until the very end, completely, no dementia, and she was driving until probably close to 81 or so. She still cooked for herself, bathed, toileting, everything normal up until the end as well. She did have to get a live in nurse for the last year because she would fall sometimes, and due to her weight, my mother couldn't lift her; also she couldn't pick things up off the floor, and she kept getting bladder infections so the nurse would help her bathe - as well as help with chores and food shopping, etc. Grandma enjoyed her family coming around, her TV shows, etc. I thought most old people had it as easy as my grandma. Well, my mother's physical structure was not as good (osteoporosis since a young age, which got worse very fast), and she aged rather quick. My dad is doing okay, but we'll see, he is 75. My grandfather had his health decline abruptly around 81, he went from super strong to just wanting to die and feeling weak all the time. My other set of grandparents didn't make it to 70 due to cancer. So yeah, ... not sure people talk about this much (the difficult aging process and 70+). But I've had an awakening to it and its a bit scary. I think growing old gracefully might apply to 55-70. Then it seems like it's unknown from there.

"Getting old sucks. Stroke sucks."

huggg. to you, and to your father.

i agree, old age can be cruel...
at the same time, i feel it teaches us to appreciate time, life, youth...
make the best of our lives!

if we would live forever, or never get sick, or never get old, we wouldn't appreciate life, time...

time is precious. health is precious.
make the best of your life.

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Understandable. Go easy on yourself. You didn’t cause and you can’t fix it. It is what it is until it isn’t.

It's just the cycle of life, the end and the journey to the end are the variables. Please read up on the 5 Stages of Grief:

https://grief.com/the-five-stages-of-grief/

My father died at age 28 during the war, he volunteered to do extra assignments and died during the extras.

If we don't die young and healthy, we, like an old car keep doing repairs until the car finally gives up. Don't grieve because he is leaving you, just be grateful you had him in your life.

I hear you.

My mother was a brilliant seamstress. She made my wedding gown. It was gorgeous!

She could tailor. She made herself blazers.

Later on, she created beautiful quilts.

Now, she lays in bed all day, brain destroyed by dementia, and can’t remember what she asked me, one minute previous.

It STINKS.

Unfortunately, all elders will decline on their way to the end of their lives, unless they're fortunate enough to pass in their sleep. Constant worry and anxiety on your part will do nothing to prevent what will happen from happening. You should get your dad a hospice evaluation if you'd like to prevent him from going back & forth to the hospital now. That would be your best bet, and hospice will keep him comfortable and out of pain the entire time.

It's not easy to witness the decline of our parents, I know, I watched my father die of a brain tumor at 91 and my mother of advanced dementia and CHF at 95. Talk about cruel........in my opinion, there is nothing worse than watching a person go down the 'long goodbye' road known as dementia. A very sad road to travel.

The good news for me is that my parents did get to live long lives and didn't pass away in their 40s or 50s at least.

Wishing you the best of luck with a difficult situation. Be sure to take care of YOURSELF too, b/c your life is equally important to your father's.