I thought I was going thru the "change of life", turns out I have depression.

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I moved to another state to take care of my dad back in 2006. At the time he had just had brain surgery to implant a DBS to control his Essential Tremors. He had a rough year that year, he got divorced and his secretary quit him. So I moved here to be his office manager, and help him out at home.


Fast forward to present day, he was diagnosed with Parkinson's sometime in 2010. Now he doesn't get out of the house and sits in his recliner all day watching old westerns on t.v. at maximum volume. He can barely transfer himself from one spot to the next, he wears depends and only gets up to go to the bathroom after he has soaked himself.


I have a couple of ladies that sit with him during the day while I am at work, but, nights and weekends are all on me. I have siblings, but they live in another state. My brother comes down twice a year so I can get away for the weekend.


My dad won't eat hardly anything that I cook for him, he tells me it tastes bad. So, I have to get take out every night for him. Now he has decided he is tired of that, but won't tell me what he will eat so I can get it at the store. He says don't buy anything, I don't want nothing to eat. Which most of the time is true, except when he has been drinking. He does that more and more these days. Then he will eat you out of house and home. And end up on the floor. His daytime caregivers buy it for him, and I know they do. I would tell them not to, but it is easier just to let him drink. Peace at any cost.


I pulled a muscle in my shoulder a year and a half ago getting him off the floor of the bathroom. It still hurts, he fell 3 times this weekend.


I am about to my wits end. I feel guilty because I don't think I am going to be able to do this much longer, emotionally or physically.


So now, I am not only on pain killers and muscle relaxers, but I am also on anti depressants.

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Is your dad a veteran of a combat or war time? If he is, there is money available for caregivers through veteran affairs. And that includes assisted living. And don't feel bad. Your dad will have better care Ina home (not putting you down here, just saying the pros know their job) and then your time with him can be spent playing cards, or watching a movie or something.
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It's good you have siblings who support you in your decisions but it sounds like you would like them to be part of the tough decision making. I would tell them that, just the way you wrote it here. Even if they tell you you have nothing to feel guilty about (you don't, but that's easier said than done) tell them it's too big a burden to make such emotional and monumental decisions alone.

Hopefully they will hear you. If they don't you need to be brave and start making the changes that know you need make, regardless. This stuff ain't easy, deep breaths and baby steps. Sending good thoughts your way.
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If your dad felt a little better, maybe he would be more open to appropriate care. So, since he's seeing a new doctor, I might try to get some information to the doctor before the visit. Like write a list of things that concern you, such as sitting in his depends too long, not eating well, not leaving the house, etc. I would disagree with dad if he says he's fine and not depressed before the doctor.

How old is your dad? Some people who are ill just don't want to get out anymore. I'd take that into consideration too. He should accept outside help though.

As long as he is offered proper care, then it's up to him whether he accepts it, assuming he's competent.
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Thank you for your responses. I know the time has come that I need to do something different. Dad has a Life Alert that the caregivers during the day use if he falls, and I know that I need to start doing that, as well.

I have no doubt that Dad is depressed, but when he goes to the doctor he tells them he is not, and they take his word for it. He is seeing a new doctor the first of February and I'm planning on talking to him about the whole situation.

As far as more caretakers, yes he can afford them, but he doesn't want them. And I know that is going to have to change.

I still work full time as his office manager. I do have his Durable Power of Attorney and Healthcare POA.

I do get out of the house two nights a week to go bowling. I leave him home alone, and so far so good. But, I am looking into someone to stay with him on those nights.

This whole situation is something I would never go through again. I love my dad very much, but in a way I also hate him. I know that is a strong word, hate and I'm working on that. I have a 20 year old son and have been a single mom his whole life. I just thought and planned to be 'free' once my son graduated from high school. And now I'm stuck taking care of someone else.

I know I need to change the situation I am in right now. I just have a hard time doing it. I think because I feel so guilty about leaving him or putting him into a nursing home. As far as my siblings are concerned, they all say they will back me in what ever I decide to do. Maybe I just want them to come down and do it for me, that way the guilt lies with them.
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Oh my....that sounds pretty bad. I'm sorry for your situation. It's great you are trying to help your dad, but it sounds like you are getting the worst end of it. I would caution you about trying to pick him up. I have never tried to do that before, just because I am afraid of dropping someone and hurting them worse. Plus, you can hurt your own back or shoulder, like you already know. I read a lot around this site and they say you shouldn't pick someone off the floor without professional training. Better to call 911. That's what I would do. Don't injure yourself further.

Being depressed is not surprising, based on what you are dealing with. I think I would sit down with your siblings by phone if necessary and discuss the situation. I would include dad too, if he is competent. Do you think he's competent? I think I might explain that things are not working out for either of you and new plan must be made soon.

Can you your dad afford more caretakers brought into the home? It sounds like he needs more help with his physical needs and not just a sitter. It sounds like he also needs a housekeeper, shopper and cook. I would consider what he can afford and what the other options are. The multiple falls would concern me.

I'm not familiar with Parkinson's, so maybe some other people around here who are will respond to this.

Is your dad being treated for depression? It sounds like he is definitely having a hard time mentally with his condition.

Are you still working as his office manager or in a different job?

Do you have his Durable Power of Attorney and Healthcare POA? I'd get that while he is still able to sign for it.
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Looks like Dad wants to do his own thing, and your "bad" cooking is an indication you're cutting into his flow. Summon your sibs to discuss options, but I'd move on before he buries me.
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