I need to vent and you're all good people. This doesn't end with a question.
I take care of my mom, 90s, with failing memory. She is blaming me for hiding her things or throwing things away. Says stuff like "I can't believe my son would do this. My son!" I keep my cool and just go to my room where, increasingly, I live in isolation. Sometimes she shifts to a friendlier state, which can last for a week or so, but I never know when the paranoia will emerge, so I'm constantly on edge. The stress is considerable. I eat a lot of sweets.
There's no possibility of rational discourse. There's no possibility of "let's look for this together;" her attitude is a simmering cauldron of resentment, grievance and baked irrationality.
I realize this is mental illness, cognitive decline, whatever. Help is an impossibility because she has powerful will and enough intelligence to resist anything.
Like I said, I'm just venting.
I've been taking care of her for about five years now, through cancer, heart surgery, ongoing medical appointments, etc., and by myself. I remind her of her medications and do my best to make sure she takes everything. That's been working out so far.
For me, unrelieved stress, financial hit, and what feels like a disappearing life. I have one friend who talks with me daily and would perish without her. She needs support as well, living alone and afraid to do anything because of pre-existing conditions.
Oddly, the pandemic didn't change much for me. Other than replacing the gym with long walks and bike rides, and wearing a mask, it's all the same.
I don't blame my mom, or karma for this circumstance. It is what it is and sometimes I thank God for putting me through this test of character and love, which I often fail at by getting angry. When she told me a few days ago that she might not make it to next spring, my initial feeling was expectant relief quickly followed by shameful guilt.
Maybe I'll emerge on the other side better for it. But for now, I sit in my room with my books, my only really escape, and hope for a way to deal with this paranoia and hate but have no way, honestly.
I know you didn't ask for advice, but may I make some suggestions?
Mom could be evaluated by a psychiatrist that specializes in older people. He/She could prescribe medications that might calm her anxiety and make her easier to live with.
Talk with a counsellor about your situation with the goal of creating better ways of coping with mom's negative behavior. I am concerned that you keep retreating into more and more isolation instead of mom experiencing consequences for her negative behavior.
Start reaching out and create a network of loving, supportive people who nourish your soul. Caregiving is HARD - as you already know so well. I applaud that you are trying to provide a good life experience for your mother. You deserve the same.
We know what you are going through so you have us here to vent to at any time ( as well as your friend ). I wish you the best , keep on in that strength that you clearly have .
You can make it . You've been a good son, don't forget that and that you are only human . Some people abandon their elders and care about nothing but themselves . Not you and that's wonderful though it may not feel that way right now .
Everything ends eventually . This hell is "now " for you but it isn't forever. Keep that in mind . Don't feel guilt about wanting to feel alive and free. Someday you will have those feelings again .
I've been trying to help myself, mentally, by thinking of ways to help the depression, and being mindful to not blame (for a lack of a better word) my mother for things that are not her fault.
For example, it's not her fault that I couldn't get myself out for a walk this morning, even though I know it would be good for me. There is enough that IS her fault, but in the end it's up to me to cope.
So, I'm trying to take responsibility for this depression, but it's hard when I am so terrified of the future that I obsess about it 24/7. I'm terrified of every aspect of this dementia. How she is now, and how bad it will still get!
I find myself hanging around this forum a lot. It feels like a safe space where people get it, and that makes me feel less alone. In real life I don't talk to anyone about my mom's dementia except to my husband and doctor. I gave up on my siblings being any kind of support. It's just a lonely journey.
I too feel like I haven't had a life in years. First with my Father who had Dementia. And now with my Mother. She doesn't have Dementia, but is very demanding and controlling - as usual.
I feel cheated. I do. I love her, but I feel cheated. You're lucky you have someone to talk to who LISTENS. My so-called friends who btw didn't go through this, tend to not want to hear anything. So, I keep my mouth shut. All I can do is dream of a day when I will be free to live my life. Hang in there. :)
I am so sorry that you are struggling with your situation. Caregiving is very isolating.
It is wonderful that you are comforted by your faith.
Wishing you all the best. Take care. Many hugs.
Vent all you like! Sometimes it feels like there are no answers and we must learn to cope in the most difficult circumstances. It’s hard.
So as you see, you are not alone. Those of us that have been caregiving for years, feel your pain, but know too that there is light at the end of the tunnel. This too shall pass. And when it does, you will emerge a stronger and better person, and your life will go on. So please continue to take care of yourself the very best you can, and may God give you the strength and courage to carry on.