I guess most everyone here has gone through this, is going through it, or will go through it, so I am not special. Only been three weeks so I guess I should not expect it to be easy. My dad was 93, so he and us were really blessed, yet I feel ripped off. When my grandparents died many years ago, I thought of them as old. I don't think of my dad as old. He is the same dad I had when I was a kid, and later on when an adult going fishing with, etc. Went fishing with him through last summer. It was kind of funny, he would complain he was not catching fish. I told him he just caught one five minutes earlier but he did not remember it, but he enjoyed it at the moment he was catching it. I don't know if I can go fishing this year. Being in that boat without him I will just break down. Maybe that is something I have to do that is part of the process.
Part of the problem, maybe a good problem, is that other than memory, he was physically good until the beginning of this year. Could walk, eat, go out, etc. Then he had a seizure, then six weeks later aspiration, and man did he go down hill fast. I see some with ALZ where they linger for years. But my dad didn't. Maybe because he was old to begin with? He was probably blessed, long life, then relatively short time with ALZ. But I think I never was given time to get used to the idea. While in the last months I was worried that my last memories of him would be the shell he had become. Now I wish those were my memories, in a way, then I would realize his death is better than the way he had been. He just really went downhill fast in three months. Different than I read by others whose LOs went on years.
Everything I do tears me apart. I pick up an old newspaper and see the date and think, Dad was still living then. Of course he really wasn't living per se. I look at my deck and remember him helping me build it when he was 80. Then as I have mentioned I am burdened with guilt of what to do differently, though that is not rational I know, but it sort of compounds the grief I have and I guess grief is natural and healthy. I guess it hasn't been very much time so I just need to ride it out. It is still so fresh. I know I am rambling here. I guess there is nothing anyone can really say.