Grieving: Things I wish I'd known about grief...

There is a lot I don't know about grief, so I have visited the internet and want to post helpful things for others on here.
Here are 3 things...authored or gathered by Terynobrien:

1. You will feel like the world has ended. I promise, it hasn’t. Life will go on, slowly. A new normal will come, slowly.

2. No matter how bad a day feels, it is only a day. When you go to sleep crying, you will wake up to a new day.

3. Grief comes in waves. You might be okay one hour, not okay the next. Okay one day, not okay the next day. Okay one month, not okay the next. Learn to go with the flow of what your heart and mind are feeling.

“It’s OK to laugh, or cry, there’s no correct response,” ~ Hillary, book/film This is Where I Leave You

It will hit at the strangest times. I broke down 3 years after dad passed while at a Valentines party at MILs AL. I had been so busy taking care of things for Mom after he passed I never really cried much. Boy did I that day,, and that's OK

Thank You, Rainmom. Learning just now that this information is out there in many formats. Your answer matches Terynobrien' #4..

4. It’s okay to cry. Do it often. But it’s okay to laugh, too. Don’t feel guilty for feeling positive emotions even when dealing with loss.

5. Take care of yourself, even if you don’t feel like it. Eat healthily. Work out. Do the things you love. Remember that you are still living.

6. Don’t shut people out. Don’t cut yourself off from relationships. You will hurt yourself and others.

7. No one will respond perfectly to your grief. People–even people you love–will let you down. Friends you thought would be there won’t be there, and people you hardly know will reach out. Be prepared to give others grace. Be prepared to work through hurt and forgiveness at others’ reactions.

I like the advice in #6, Don't shut people out.


You go for it, caregiver's united!

When my Dad passed in the E.R., my brother just arrived at my home to tell me he died, on the way to being admitted to his room, in the elevator.
He had been at the same hospital with Dad in the E.R., AT THE SAME TIME that my Sil had been admitted for a suicide attempt, and we had just returned from hours spent with her. I was not there when he died.
Tears, instant thoughts-we were just there-brother said not to cry.

This was just after the Sylmar Earthquake, about 1971.

Pammzi, Years later, the sadness and loss can hit years later.

8. God will be there for you perfectly. He will never, ever let you down. He will let you scream, cry, and question. Throw all your emotions at Him. He is near to the brokenhearted.

9. Take time to truly remember the person you lost. Write about him or her, go back to all your memories with them, truly soak in all the good times you had with that person. It will help.

10. Facing the grief is better than running. Don’t hide from the pain. If you do, it will fester and grow and consume you.

There will be 15 Things.

There is a reason why, in therapy, the sessions are only 45 min. to one hour, maybe intense 1-2 times a week. Focusing on this pain constantly can really distract one from the business of getting on with life, even if for a short while all you can manage is activities of daily living.

Grieving never stops. I'm speaking only for me, but I'll never be the same after a deep and painful loss. As I move through life, I'll be "okay" but I won't be the same person I was before my father expired. I'm a different person. I never experienced the death of a family member before him and now I'm caring for slowly aging mother. I'm an only child with no other family after my mother passes away. I just didn't realize how crippling both emotionally and physically grieving can be...yes, time heals all wounds but there's a permanent scar on my heart and mind as reminder of someone who loved me so much but is no longer here. My father expired ten years ago, but everyday I feel like he expired that morning. It's just hard...very hard. I'm not depressed. I just feel there's an empty hole in my mind-body-spirit and I've been working on how not to let this hole consume me.

11-15, coming soon.

11. You will ask “Why?” more times than you thought possible, but you may never get an answer. What helps is asking, “How? How can I live life more fully to honor my loved one? How can I love better, how can I embrace others, how can I change and grow because of this?”

12. You will try to escape grief by getting busy, busy, busy. You will think that if you don’t think about it, it’ll just go away. This isn’t really true. Take time to process and heal.

13. Liquor, sex, drugs, hobbies, work, relationships, etc., will not take the pain away. If you are using anything to try and numb the pain, it will make things worse in the long run. Seek help if you’re dealing with the sorrow in unhealthy ways.

Dear Sendhelp,

Thank you for starting this thread. Its been so hard since my dad passed. I continue to look for everything and anything to help me understand his passing. I still struggle. But I'm grateful to this forum for all the support and understanding. Thank you for sharing these tips with us.

Cdnreader,
You are most welcome, and thank you for joining in this thread. It is not really my thread, it was for people like you who have lost someone. The loss is magnified when you have been a caregiver, imo. So many are left in shock. Keep posting as the feelings come, I hope the advice (not mine) has helped you feel connected to this community of caregivers who care about you.

Credit to terynobrien.

14 & 15

14. It’s okay to ask for help.

15. Grief can be beautiful and deep and profound. Don’t be afraid of it. Walk alongside it. You may be surprised at what grief can teach you.

Thank you again Sendhelp. I am truly grateful to you for starting this thread. I have to admit I have put emotional walls since my dad's passing. I have been disappointed in some friends and family members. It has been a humbling experience. And in some ways it has made me realize I have given too much to too many people as well. Keep trying to go forward each day, its all I can do. Tears and all.

Cdnreader,
Family, friends, people in general will all disapoint and disappear.
But there is one who sticks closer than a brother.
It depends on who you place your faith in.
Not religion, no offense intended.

In reading, "Every person you will meet is having an uphill battle".
That quote is not exact, do not know the source, but it seems to pertain to every caregiver here.

Then there is this quote by a famous person about walls:  "Tear down that wall!"

I hope you find some peace each day as you heal from your loss.

Thank you again Sendhelp for all your kindness to me. It is appreciated.

What you said is so true. Sad that so many of us are facing struggles with caregiving, with families, friends and colleagues. I guess its life. I know I should "tear down those walls" but the pain of loss makes it difficult. Sometimes I wrap the anger around me like a blanket. I know its not right.

We are called caregivers and yet I wonder where was I when my dad needed me the most to care for him. I had already gotten so resentful about my role in life. Everything had snowballed. And now that my dad has passed the pain, the sorrow is worst. Why didn't I think about the sorrow? I'm sure if I thought about the day my dad was gone, surely I could have found another way. And surely he would still be alive to enjoy his granddaughter and see her grow up a little bit.

Thank you for your kind wishes. I hope I can find some peace soon.

Interesting that I see this topic today. I spent some time this morning going through some old boxes, sorting for donation, and found some things of my mothers. I remember taking them from her home after she died and then putting them away. I mostly think of my mom with happy memories now, though I so deeply regret that she's missed my children growing up. But today seeing some of her things, I broke down crying once again, it didn't last long, but it reminded me how much I miss her and always will. I hate May for Mother's Day, it's a stab at the wound everytime it comes around. For me, the part about grief coming in waves is very true, the waves even get farther apart, but they still come.

Dear Daughterof1930,

I hear you. I regret that my father had kids so late in life. He didn't see his grandchildren grow up. Its been 7 months since my father passed away and I still struggle. I wait for that day when the waves are further apart.

My mom's final years of fake independence -- and her death -- created a lot of sh*t work for me. I basically jumped on a bizarro treadmill almost 5 years ago and I'm still there. Mom's been gone 1.5 years, and the estate-related errands still loom.

What could have been "just" moderately complicated has extra challenges due to Mom's paranoia and secrecy. Those of us who were left to put Humpty Dumpty back together again are working well together. That is a blessing. But I am so worn down by constantly discovering new business that must be addressed. And learning the hard way that our parents glossed over the real issues with some of their obligations and investments.

When my peers reminisce about a departed parent by re-telling shared jokes or gushing about a favorite pie, I play the game outwardly -- and sigh on the inside. I want so desperately to get past Mom's Never-Ending Chores. The longer this drags on, the harder it is for me to remember the Toll House Cookies and such.

Does anyone else have someone in their life that constantly tells them they are not grieving correctly ? I lost my mom in March of this year and almost 11 years ago I lost my daughter at age 2, my mom's loss has brought back my feelings from loosing my daughter. Now my SO no matter what I do, going through my mom's stuff, painting the walls, rearranging or even making photo albums. I get told I'm not grieving correctly and I should be ashamed of myself for doing those things. I have always been under the impression grief is something everyone does differently. There is no right or wrong to it. But I'm constantly being told otherwise it sends me into a depression because I can't talk to them because when I do I'm rehashing or not allowed to. I'm even told what books I should and shouldn't read. I took care of my mom for the last 8 years I'm sure I'm going through what anyone else in my shoes would do. My mom left a lot behind that she would not let my dad or myself touch over the years it was always "stay out of my stuff" or "I'll get around to it". I just feel like my grief has to be internal and I can only cry alone because it feels like when I do other wise I am being an inconvenience to them. I hate feeling like this.

Trying you have a thousand people hugging you right now. Please grieve your own way. All grieve differently. Just sad that you are denied comfort of sharing pain. Hugs

Best,
{{{{{H U G S }}}}}}
So many hugs, you deserve to live life your way now.

Thank you both for the kind words and lots of hugs I feel so comforted made me cry. Even though I knew it was getting close to loosing my mom and I thought I was prepared for her loss I didn't realize how very much I would miss her. I was never prepared for my SO to be so blah about her passing and being there but not being there sort of way. I am glad I still have this site to come too.

Dear TryingmyBest247,

I'm so sorry for your loss. Thank you for expressing how I feel. I too thought I was prepared, but I wasn't. The shock was too much. The flood of raw emotions. My anger at everyone. Me, too. I didn't realize what it meant to be on this earth without my dad.

I'm so grateful to Send for this thread. And for all of you on this site.

It was my mother's birthday on Monday. It would have been her birthday, that is.

This year was a bit better than last year, in that I spent more of the time thinking about her life and rather less wondering if I was the only person who had noticed the date and internally raging about it.

I suppose... our memories begin to settle down and order themselves according to what was most important instead of what was most recent. I hope it's a trend. Time will tell.

CM
Hope you were able to find a smile in the memory of your mum's birthday

Thinking of you Countrymouse, hugs

Thank you everyone for participating in this thread, helping yourself by expressing your loss,
and helping others to heal.

Thank you Send!

Its 9 months since my father passed away. I am going to counselling and will join a new support group in September. See how things go. I still feel like a little kid. Where is my daddy? Wish I could focus on the good memories. But I am not there yet. I am scared as some people have suggested the second year of grieving is harder than the first. Still hoping that eventually I will get to a more peaceful place about what happened.

Hi everyone,

I wanted to share this link:

https://whatsyourgrief.com/64-things/

I hope you all find it helpful.