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Hi There,
I am new to the forum and this is my first post.
My husband's mom is 88 and was moved to a nursing home facility in our small town after hospitalization for gout, UTI and a fall. At the hospital she was in decline, not eating or drinking, and the doctors told us she was in her final days, so we were girding up to experience her death. After she was on IV antibiotics and her UTI waned, she picked back up. She's alive, but weak and unable to walk.

We transferred her across the street to the local NH, and she has been there for 3 weeks. Medicade is not in place yet, but we are working on that. Her first month cost 7K out of her savings. Now she is distraught, says she hates it there and is begging us to take her home. My poor husband is retired, so most of the visits and care are in his lap, as I am still working full time.
He is exhausted with paperwork, and is getting heart broken over her constant complaints, phone calls and requests to go home.

We also have my 2 parents (aged 88 and 82) who live 6 hours away, one with dementia and one with demntia from Parkinsons. They are home, with caregivers coming in, and my younger brother lives next door. HE is exhausted, too, and every holiday or break I get from work goes to trips to his city to care for MY parents.

Lord, Lord, Lord. Its enough to make me think I should do my kids a favor and check myself off the planet voluntarily when I hit 80 or so.

I struggle with constant guilt. I struggle with wishing it was all over with, then feeling guilty for those thoughts. I hope all the elderly care doesn't drive us all into the poor house.

Thanks for listening.
(25)
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When I discussed the possibility of future placement in a nursing facility with my mother, she became very angry with me, and said, "Well. So you're just going to drop me off like a dog. If you put me in a home, I don't ever want to see you again. I want no visitors. Just stay away and leave me to die alone with strangers."

Useless for me to explain that I would only do that if it became physically impossible for me to care for her... and that we would be risking injury or worse to both of us if I tried to keep her at home. I only wanted to be upfront about the future, and with due respect for her as an adult and my parent, I didn't think it would be fair to blindside her with a sudden, unannounced placement. Well, that didn't work...

Your mom already has the idea in her head, so there's no point in discussing it with her until it becomes a fait accompli. All you can do is try to prepare yourself for the fallout when it happens.

Hugs and best wishes.
(18)
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Don't feel to bad or guilty, you have to play the hand you are dealt with. As long as your mom and kids are safe, and you are taking care of your kids mom (yourself) that is what matters. Just know your relationship with your mom has and always will be fragile no matter what you do. One can never please a BPD or a NPD person ever!

There must be something to that generation of moms because my mother also told me if I put her in NH she would never forgive me and haunt me. I told her find I will just burn Sage and white candles, she was speechless.

You have to do whatever it takes to protect your kids and yourself.

I would not tell mom until you find a place for her. I am sorry that you are going through this difficult time in your life.
(20)
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I don't think hate has levels, hate is hate. So do what you need to do to protect your children and yourself from her hate.

I would not tell her she is going to a facility, I would say I am taking you to lunch and let the professionals handle the situation.

If she knows it will only give her time to traumatize your kids.

I wouldn't worry about the haunting, that's what exorcisms are for. What a manipulative thing to say. BPD and NPD, proof provided by her.
(22)
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”I'm going to blow what's left of our relationship out of the water permanently when I tell her she's being admitted to a facility as soon as we find one.”

You might want to consider this carefully as to timing. No need to tell her until you have already found the facility and placement is imminent. Like the next day.
What good would it do? It seems more like a threat and the children would have to deal with the fallout.
I’m sorry you and your mom and your family are all in this terrible position.
(18)
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And btw, my mother wrote some notes next to her will in a book that i found. It was intended for my brother and i to read upon her death. In it she left us money but said we better not waste it. Then she wrote on a note that she will come and find us and haunt us if we do. Now imagine if i had read that right after she died? So morbid! Well guess what? Her money is all going to her care and we wont even be getting it one day anyway. So no haunting.. i think my mom has some mental issues too. They just havent been diagnosed. Sad. Dont let the haunting statement get to you. I know its an awful thing of her to have said though.
(11)
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When i read the end part of your post, i thought i should reply. I have had a fragile relationship also with my mother in my life and now she is in nursing care. I dont know your mom, but i can say that no matter how much i do to show my mom that i love her, including making the best medical choices now that i can for her, she still would have had a fragile relationship with me because i can never prove to her how much i love her no matter what. My point is, no matter which choice you make for her will your relationship not be fragile anymore if you chose one over the other choice? I can see how much you love her and i know that she knows that you do, no matter what choice you make for her best care. I tell my mom im sorry that you broke your hip, im sorry that you are ill, im sorry that you have parkinsons. My point of that is, that its not my fault that these things have happened to her and i am doing best i can to do best for what has happened to her. I know how hard choices are and you are doing your best dont forget that.
(11)
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Well, isn't a relief you are not the problem. That your Moms BP had a lot to do with how she interacted with you. Its a shame doctor's can't contact family when they find a mental disorder in a patient that needs to be addressed.

I am glad you are going to a neurologist. A PCP should never try dealing with Dementia. They are called General Practitioners because they know a little of everything but not enough of anything.

She needs a NH. She will not get better. You need your life back.
(18)
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I’ll fully admit I haven’t walked where you are and am likely not the best for this. I still want to say I’m sorry you’re going through this, and I hope you’ll follow through on getting your mom placed somewhere safe for her. You’ve done your best for her, it’s past the level now where you can continue to provide for her. Discuss this with her as little as possible, she’s not capable of understanding and it’ll only upset her more. Forgive yourself if she can’t or won’t, you’ve done nothing wrong, quite the opposite, you’ve done a lot
(19)
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I'm so sorry for you.

My mother is no walk in the park either. Luckily her living with us was NEVER on the table, as she picked on me a lot and I already knew that having her here 24/7 would result in a homicide.

Mom has been in and out of rehab centers as she is a surgery junkie, so she's had everything fixed she possibly can. And she thinks she had some things done she didn't: no gallbladder removal, I had mine out and she "adopted" my story almost verbatim.

My kids didn't spend enough time with or around her to get "hurt". Once I was married and gone, she couldn't care less about my life. As a true Narcissist will do, I was slow to learn. She cares about her and that's it.

Last year I suggested we hire 3xs a week care for her, just an elder care professional (my old career!) to help out--she lives with younger brother.

She was initially OK with it, even excited as she realized she'd have so much more freedom--but YB kisboshed the whole thing and told me to butt out for good, all I did was stir the pot.

So, nothing happened. She's declined a lot, She doesn't get to go out and YB has complete control over her.

I REALLY wanted to have her moved to a SNF, but that wouldn't have flown.

In all honesty, she's gonna be mad no matter what you do. Try to disengage as much as possible. Be prepared for the period of time when she simply is angry and wants nothing to do with you. It passes.

BTW, I was the poster who had the bedpan tossed at me. They're plastic and most elderly folks can't throw very hard.

I find that trying to keep a sense of humor about the whole disatrous mess is my best bet--and BOUNDARIES. I see mother when I want to. Period.

Whether or not she "forgives" you is not even up for discussion. My mother has said that to me so often it doesn't even ring a bell.

I once told my mom of she couldn't even remember my phone number then she likely wouldn't be able to find me to haunt me after she dies. (I am so snarky sometimes. But that is one hollow threat!)
(18)
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Wubba, how awful!

At some point in these terrible situations that have NO good outcome (I like to say that the options are usually bad and terrible; you try to find the "least bad" choice), you have to step back and figure out how to do the last damage to the people you owe the most protection to.

That's your kids. Your kids are vulnerable, impressionable and likely to be damaged by being in constant contact with an elder with BPD, even if she DIDN'T have dementia. How much more protection they need from her with!

There are posters here who've had bedpans thrown at them, been told never to darken their parent's NH door again, etc. All because the adult child made sure that their parent was safe and secure in a facility.

This is what responsible adult children do. It's not easy. Your job is not to please your parent, it's to keep her AND your children safe.

Part of what I think you're feeling right now is grief. Grief about the relationship you never had, and will never have. It's really really normal to feel this way. ((((Hugs)))))).
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