Some of you may remember me. I've posted previously about having moved my 90 yr old (soon to be 91) mom across the state to live with us last April. She was no longer able to maintain her house, her expenses, or herself. Moving in to our home was the only option she would agree to, so we put our entire living room in storage & that's now her room. We only have a kitchen, bathroom, & 3 bedrooms now. Then we spent $15k to renovate the entire (only) bathroom in our home to make it completely handicap compliant. Shortly after mom arrived, the cognitive issues she'd successfully masked all came into view. We knew she had physical limitations when we opened our home to her, but the cognitive stuff really blindsided us.
Her long time physician was a real trip and danced around the idea of "potential cognitive decline" for months. I wanted so badly to cut bait and find a better doctor closer to us, but all the physicians in mom's network had waiting lists for new patients, so we had to do our best with her existing doctor for a time. It wasn't until I walked into that office with three pages of behavioral observations we noted over a span of 5 months that the doctor finally gave mom a mini mental health assessment and confirmed the official diagnosis of dementia. But that's all the doctor told me - dementia - not what type, not what stage. But at least it was a start.
Finally, in late-January 2019 we got the good news that mom was accepted as a new patient by a GREAT local doctor. Whew! Having someone who's proactive is a breath of fresh air! Reviewing copies of mom's medical records has been a real eye-opener. There were periodic entries over the decades made by her previous doctor that mention likely bipolar illness and probably a form of personality disorder (BPD is noted - borderline personality disorder). Mom was given multiple referrals to a psychiatrist but always refused treatment. I never knew any of this until last month. Surprise! I always thought something was wrong with me that I just couldn't manage to keep our relationship happy. *sigh* Needless to say, I'm absolutely in therapy now to sort this all out.
We have a geriatric social worker hired and a full neurological exam scheduled to pinpoint exactly what stage & type of dementia we're working with. Yesterday the social worker discussed facilities with us and wants to take us for tours. She has concerns that our house isn't well-suited to someone with advancing cognitive decline and that it would also become a severely isolating and confusing experience for our two young kids. Additionally, neither my husband or I can stop working our full time jobs. Mom came to us with nothing. We're covering all of her costs and ours at the moment and frankly, we need every penny we can earn.
Mom knows she's declining, and yet is defensive about it and in denial. I can't really blame her. I'd feel the same. We haven't had any conversations about care facilities or the like in ear shot of her. But I know she's thinking about it because she confronted me with serious hostility out of nowhere last weekend. Saturday morning she woke up angrier than I've ever seen her & told me if I ever put her in a home she'd hate me even more than she already does. Then she said that once she's gone, she's going to haunt our house and everyone in it for the remainder of our days. THANK GOD our kids weren't around. The haunting comment would've scared the absolute heck out of them. It sure sent chills up my spine. A few hours later, it was like none of that had happened.
Today I'm feeling quite horrible knowing that if the neurological report shows moderate to severe dementia (like we think it will), I'm going to blow what's left of our relationship out of the water permanently when I tell her she's being admitted to a facility as soon as we find one. She's never going to forgive me for that. Our relationship has always been fragile. I don't see how it withstands this. What a way to end it
Secondly once she is there - when you visit always bring something with you & this doesn't need to be expensive just something - I did this with my mom & she began to greet my with a smile as soon as she saw me because in her mind I was 'the bringer of treats' - I would pick up a speciality coffee, Timbits, a plant [not flowers because a plant lasts longer], return a sweater that I repaired for her [she saw this as an act of love], or even a drawing from your kids - I bought a cute metal 'vase' [unbreakable] at the dollar store & put a few artificial flowers in it so the when needed I could bring 1 or 2 new ones to add to it
Thirdly given how she has hidden other mental issues for years - this is her problem not yours so don't loose any sleep over her verbal assaults that are primarily designed to make you do as she wants even though it is not what the professionals think is best for her - I must admit that I fostered the idea with my mom that she was at 'rehab' type place until her arm was better then ask how her exercises where going even to handing her an exercise ball I had bought her which she would squeeze it about 3 times & forget what she was doing but she was content with being in the NH 'until I'm able to go back to my own place'
Good luck with your mom & despite what she may yell at you ... you have shown her love possibly more than she deserves given her prior issues - I pat you on your back & send a big hug for 'that time you need it'
STP said something very important: When she told her mother she was moving to NH/MC, the mother threatened suicide. I think this is a key point. When you have someone threatening suicide, this is the opportunity to have them admitted for a psych work up to get their medications straight. There are the usual drugs to get dementia patients calm and balanced, but it takes a while to get the right combo. It would be ideal for her to be in a psych ward for those changes to be monitored so she can enter the NH with the proper drugs on board. The right combo made my mthr decent and the nurses all thought she was so sweet (sadly she was still evil to me in private and in doctor waiting rooms where they could not see her in action!).
There's nothing like just having your leg clawed and hours later having a nurse tell you that your mthr is the sweetest patient she has. Grr.
I agree with everyone, you don't ask, you just do it. Warn the NH first so they know what to expect. Because of your tough history with mom, staying gone a week or two is a viable option so you don't get the full force of her wrath. You need to protect yourself as well as your kids, and you have the right to stay away when you know she will be ugly. If your doc thinks mom needs a stay to get her drugs done, I'd treat that the same way with a drop off if she does not help you out by threatening suicide so the EMTs will cart her away for you.
She's never been quite right, and you deserved a mom that was all there. Mine was missing something important inside which is why I call her mthr. I'm sorry that you did not have a good mom. But you have a second chance to have a good mother-child relationship, and that is with your own children. Take care of yourself so that you can be the mom your kids deserve.
My mother is in late stages of Alzheimer's and my mother would make threats against my brother and myself.
In 2011, my parents came to my house for Thanksgiving and mom kept constantly repeating same question over and over, that worried me enough that I came home for Christmas (I lived 650 miles away) to observe her. I noticed mom seemed lost in all of the activities and she was quieter. I started making a list what I observed and my dad started calling me when she was in the shower and tell me things that mom was doing and saying. I mailed a copy to her doctor and came up there to visit, but mainly so I could go with her to see her doctor. Her doctor was great and after checking my mother over she asked my mother about her memory and mom said it was fine and I mentioned about her sister (sister & uncle had Alzheimer's) when was having memory issues, so her doctor told my mother due to her age as a preventative she wanted to send her to a specialist (neurologist) that if at a later date if she started having issues they would know how to address it and my mom agreed. My brother went with my dad and mom to the neurologist who stated that mom had Alzheimer's after testing and MRI.
My dad passed away in 2013 and my brother took over mom's care and her Alzheimer's started progressing rather fast. In 2015 my brother stated that mom's care was more than he could handle even with the home care that was set up when he was at work. We started having to make up "little white lies" so not to upset her so much. She would get mad over any little thing, yell and get very argumentative. We removed her vehicle and kept it at my brother's house, so she wouldn't try to drive. When she would asked about her car, we told her that she let Aaron (grandson) borrow it while his vehicle was being fixed and she would say "oh I remember that". One day most of the silverware and canned food went missing and my brother had to search the house to find it. My mom would walk out of the house when my brother was sleeping or mowing the yard and he would have to go and find her and she would be mad saying she was going for a walk. They argued over the thermostat, she wanted the heat on all the time even in summer. The caregivers complained about that and my brother said he would turn air on when it got really hot only to wake up middle of the night sweating and find that mom had turn the air off or turned the heat on. She wanted to cook and would leave the stove on and pans on burner. She had a dog that she fed several times a day, because she didn't remember that she already fed him. If we pick up the food mom would throw a fit. There were many other issues, these were just a few.
We visited many facilities and found a great memory care center that the rooms are like mini apartments and after she adjusted being there about a couple months, she mentioned that she wanted to go back home and we told her (white lie) don't you remember you pick this place out, you told us that the house was too big and you were having trouble taking care of it herself and had decided to sell it, so we sold it for you. She has never asked about the money or how she is paying for her "apartment". We are using the sell of the house monies and their savings to pay for her care. At this facility she can stay in same room until she passes even when Medicaid takes over the cost.
Part of what your mom is doing is the disease, another part is her own frustration of losing control, and another part may be her combative personality. But that means 2/3 of her behavior is disease-related.
Everything you are doing for her is in her best interests. You know that. Please keep that in mind continuously. You are a good daughter.
You may feel better after talking to a clergy person. I did and was shocked when he told me I was doing the right thing (you see what we daughters do to ourselves?!). You are caring for your mother and now realize she needs more help than what you can provide.
Get the best care for her that you can and then be gentle to yourself.
How about a move to somewhere that will assist with anything they need help with? When actual skilled nursing facility (nursing home) is needed, my guess is that they won't know the difference. Many memory care and or assisted living facilities will allow their residents to have hospice care, there...not having to move unless quite serious care is needed, such as stomach tubes for feeding, etc.
This just hurts my heart, as my mom just passed away 1 month ago. Yes, my worries are over. And yes, I will miss her forever!
It’s hard to let go of independence - though it sounds like she’s completely dependent on you so she is likely clinging to an illusion. Many of the facilities do a great job with care, activities, etc. You might consider waiting to find a suitable facility before telling mom, if only to spare your family her (unjustified) fury. Better yet if you could find a couple of options and let her choose.
I did manage to find a wonderful place, but was still a move for my mom. 3 weeks later my mom was rushed to ER. Dementia robs its victims of every single thing and eventually they can't even swallow. She started aspirating her food, causing low O2 and high BP. My mom did have a dnr and I wasn't about to have needles in her lungs to remove liquid (which would only return) or tubes down her throat to help her breathe. She was very peaceful and she did pass away 6 days after entering hospital. Even though she wasn't really mom for about 2 years, she never forgot her children and after calling out for her mom for almost a year, I believe she found her. I miss making her happy and somewhat grounding her a couple times every week.
I have to say how much I appreciated her primary care doctor of over 30 years and hospice. Her doctor retired about 3 years prior and he actually spoke TO HER and not around her! He knew I was listening and NEVER left her out...like following (younger) doctors did.
I got hospice involved the day before mom passed, to be under their care back at memory care facility. Because I did, they handled every little detail after she passed and I will be forever grateful.
I am of course, looking to widen our bathroom doors and get grab bars, etc... cause sure as heck, they will be needed in the future! You are lucky you have that done already. Find the right fit for your mom, while checking places out, pay close attention to the other residents, especially in the residential homes. They were my preference, because my mom couldn't be alone in an apartment type setting. Can you imagine being somewhere and not knowing where you are or who the people around you are or why you are there? There just has to be caring caregivers that keep their residents busy with picture books, painting, coloring or Lawrence Welk. When my mom asked to call her mom or brother, etc... I would just tell her that we'll call after dinner, when they are home. Of course, a few minutes later she forgot. Redirect! Your mom may not be that advanced in this terrible disease, called dementia...but I wish you the best in your search. In the end, doing every thing possible to make her happy, will leave you with no regrets. My mom and I were always very close...I always told her I would keep her with me ... until I couldn't anymore. I found early on, that it was not an option.
Tell her that this is better for her.Visit often and ask her if she needs anything else that the facility can't provide. A lot of Seniors in the facility are in the same boat and she will have or at least be asked to attend schedules of activities within. There are usually a doctor on hand and a nurse staff to assist. Don't feel bad,it's for the better.
Bobby
The reality is that she will
require more care than you can give and placing her will create a better outcome for all of you.
That's when I determine, it was time to "cut" all ties, I've done all I could do for mom. I know my mom quite well and her dispositions, her flip,flopping (nice to me one time, then nasty to me a second later. The professional's do not know my mothers behavior traits like I do.
You know your mom and how she will react... no one else.
Looking back, I would of change a couple of things- Get others involved earlier, support for the very difficult mom, should of requested better help from an experience social worker. Should of involved mom earlier in the decision making. Should of ask for additional help from outsiders who could do more with her than I could of. Probably, should of "cut" ties previously, and predicted this behaviour and stubbornness.
I feel your pain...
I can only say get others involved with this very very difficult situation, and see if your mom will work with them, with you in background just monitoring.
I had to go a few states away to care for my parents (yes, both of them) and they were hiding their Alzheimer's Disease the best that they could. I stayed with them in their home for eight months, and during that time I had to place them in a facility, sell their home, and take care of legal matters. They were so angry with me, that dad said; "If I had a gun, I'd put it to the back of your head and pull the trigger." Mom wouldn't even talk to me, but she would yell horrible things at me.
Fast forward over two years, and they have forgotten everything that had happened. We are back to a wonderful, loving relationship, and they are very happy in the Adult Family Home. The important thing to remember is, your mom will forget about how things happened. My dad is 91 and my mom is 83.
Your "relationship" isn't with the woman you see now. It's with the mom you had before the dementia took her from you. She's still in that body somewhere, but isn't in control anymore. She can't help what she says, does or thinks. When she screams or threatens, it's not the same woman who raised you. Dementia is unlike anything I've seen before. It takes a perfectly rational, competent person and warps them into something unrecognizable. Remembering that this person you see now is not an extension of who your mother was or even a result of the "fragile" relationship you've had is paramount in you and your family getting through this. And it's you and your family that you have to put first. Plain and simple. Your children are affected by this. You marriage is affected by this. So when your mom screams and threatens, just know that is the dementia talking, not your mom.
Do you have a POA and medical directive for your mom? Sorry if you've been asked this before, but I haven't read the comments yet.
Many people have told me it gets better after they are someplace where they can make friends. I think it's very important to find a place that will make sure they get involved with others and go to all the meals so they can establish relationships. I'm not in a position to say how things will work out for my Mom, though, as she fell 3 weeks after being in AL and has been in rehab ever since. But, she has said repeatedly that she likes the atmosphere at rehab because there are people around all the time. She has made friends with the women at her dining table and that seems to have also taken the edge off.
If I think about what my Mom (before dementia) would have wanted for me as I grow older, it definitely would not be this. She would want me to be happy, enjoy retirement, spend time with my family, travel, etc. With that in mind, I try to make the best decisions I can for both of us - making sure she is safe and as happy as she can be under the circumstances. It won't be perfect, things rarely are, but it might just end up OK. I wish you peace in this struggle, please let us know how things work out for you.
We have to manage the guilt and grief. Seeing so many people here say it’s natural, you have to work on it, is not fun but so helpful. I’m mostly replying because I just moved my mom a few weeks ago and like you am pretty shocked at her cognitive state... it was worse than I thought, because she had so many set patterns in her past living situation. Where I’m at now is trying to move the balance of our relationship in my mind - she’s not the authoritarian now, she’s a weak and scared child. I’ve got to stop ‘going to the mat’ with her about stuff and just be calm and in charge... and kindly, whenever I can muster it. ;) Like others said, I’m continually reminding myself I have no control over what’s happening to her, and I actually say it a lot to her too: this is what your body’s doing, I’m not doing this to you, only here to help.
This may not be on your mind, but you may realize some of the investment in the ADA-complaint upgrades when you go to sell one day. Someone will love that.
It does feel like a kind of grief for the losses we feel and it’s so hard to push forward. I wish you peace about what you need to do ...hang tough!!!
In addition to dementia, you say that she is bi-polar and may have a borderline personality disorder. It is time to put yourself and your family first. She will only get worse as the dementia progresses. You don't say but is she alone during the day now? What will happen when the time comes (and it will) that she can no longer safely be left alone while you are at work? Then you'll have the expense of day care or aides too.
When we had to bring my M-I-L to a memory care community she was very angry with us and laid quite a guilt trip on us. It is very normal to resist wanting to leave your home. After about 6 weeks she was a new person and referred to the MC as her home. The attention she received from staff and the socialization were exactly what she needed.
I get this is very difficult to do but for the sake of your health, your husband, and your children you need to.
As someone who has gone through this angry stage, know that although all the anger and resentment is and will be directed at you, it is not your fault. As it was explained to me, her brain will missconstrue what is going on and then fill in the gaps with misinformation, some good, some bad. Add bipolar diagnosis and it’s a storm but not one you created.
Let the social worker be the one to tell her, perhaps a behavior psych facility will help pave the way. Ask them about placing her there first so they can find the right meds. My mom was told by the social worker and nurses that they needed to find the cause of her physical and mental impairment, she went to a behavior psych first and then to a memory unit on discharge.
Stay strong, they need to tell her, not you. She will have periods of highs and lows , I visited during the highs to keep my sanity. It truly sucks but you are not alone. Reading other members comments to each other always helped me as well as talking with members of a local Alzheimer’s support group. You should Look for a dementiasupport group in your area and surround yourself by good friends.
Tough times ahead, it will be a rocky road of sunshine and rain.
Best,
After we did all the work to get my mom into a NH many years ago, she told me that she was going to drown herself in the river before going to the home. I lost it and told that someone was drowning in that river -- her or me.
She went in kicking and screaming. She did ok, but never really gave in and assimilated.
Long story short, many of these "feisty" woman never go gracefully.
You have to detach yourself and do it.
Best of luck
My mother is almost 92, and she could never live with us. She is a narcissistic, demanding, and petty person who alienated most of the people in her life except for me and her sister. Now alone, she is still able to live in her apartment with my weekly help shopping, doctors, etc, daily calls, and a friend who also takes her to Bingo weekly. Nothing is ever good enough for her, and I made peace with the lack of a mother-daughter relationship long ago and make the best of what we have. I have a lot of support from husband, family, and friends to get through the challenges with her, including the doctor and senior social workers.
I can tell that her being able to live alone is coming to an end, and have quietly searched for and found options to consider when it is necessary. She will not even allow me to have a conversation about options, in home or otherwise, so I am just biding my time. I will have to be the "bad guy" one day and her own doctor said "It will end badly" because she wouldn't listen to him, either.
SO, I wish you the best and hope you will take care of yourself in addition to your mother. We love them dearly, but this stage of life is not for the faint of heart. Don't allow your emotions to cloud good decisions for you and for your Mom. I wish you and everyone going through this the best of luck, and many hugs!