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So most of you know that the administrator of the Memory Care ALF dumped my BIL at the hospital after only 1 month.


Now we are getting messages from an attorney claiming that my BIL has contacted them to ask my husband to come and get him. What? That's right.


First of all, the hospital is not allowing any visitors in the hospital during this time. Second, the head nurse or no one else knows anything about this. Lastly, my BIL has dementia/alzh so he can not make a call to anyone. Of course he could have someone at the hospital to call my husband. He sure don't need to have an attorney to call.


Pull back the curtains ……..

People working in these MC ALF facilities are not respectful and compassionate to these vulnerable residents and that is the problem.
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Shane1124 Thanks for responding. No need for the hospital to focus on us to accept him in our home. Everyone is already aware that my husband is not able to care for him. He has health issues that will not permit.

Yes, you are right. My poor BIL should not have had to go through none of this to begin with.
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Haileybug the hospital will now focus on BIL’s family and try to have him discharged to you/husband (next of kin) after the attorney call per BIL. It sounds like BIL wants out and expects you and hubby to care for him.
What will you do? Take him in or let him wait until another facility accepts him which could be months? Then the poor guy has to acclimate himself to an entirely new staff and center again. BIL may do well staying with you but maybe not. Would your husband feel obligated enough to accept him living in your home? From what you’ve said BIL is more or less able to perform some ADL’s and can feed himself, bathe, etc and that BIL’s outbursts are the issue. You’ve said nurses call you to tell you how cooperative & pleasant he is. Pleasant enough for you to take him in and give him a chance?
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worriedinCalli I reread what you said. OMG just give it up already.

Maybe you should reread what I said as well. I said, some have actually read my posts and have actually used logical reasoning and I really appreciate their input and advice.

On the other hand, some on here have unlogical reasonings. No matter what has happened, they want to just say it is my BIL fault when it is not,

It kind of makes me feel like this {The baby is crying, the baby is screaming, the baby will not sleep" It is the baby's fault. The baby is the problem. ?????

No one is saying … The baby is hungry, the baby is in a wet diaper, the baby needs it mom.

I am honestly not seeking a debate. Really, I am not.
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lealonnie1 Yes, you are right. I just kind of use that as a phrase to get someone's attention so they would give me their thoughts.

You see, I felt like I am already right but of course I am not one of those who think they no it all.

Hmmm, it goes like this. You know, it is so easy to kind of just dump someone off at the hospital that won't let you use them for your doormat than it would be to try to outsmart them.

And then kind of letting an attorney call his dear brother to see if he would come and get him so they don't have to do any work of finding a qualified MC unit to care for him.

Like I said, I am not a know it all, clearing throat but anyway,

Thank you
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You really should re-read what I said. I never said you should give up. I said that after 4 years you should ask your questions elsewhere since we can’t answer your questions to your satisfaction.

You really should re-read your replies here because YOU ARE ASKING US a question here.
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Looks to me like you ARE asking us, "I thought maybe someone on here may be smart enough to tell me the dirty work they up to."
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worriedinCali Me give up? Are you serious? We are talking about a person who has Alzh and been treated like they are NOBODY and you think I should give up? Oh my goodness. No, I can't. It is my duty to do all that is with in my being to help him.

It does not matter how hard and how long the battle, I should not just give up. Whew We might not be where we need to be but at least we are not quite where we were.

Just because the system thought he did not have anyone, they throwed him in a dungeon in far away land. At least they know that we know and they put him in little less bad conditions, closer to home.

No, honey, I do not lash out at those that that think I NEED to hear what they say. I get frustrated with the ones who keep trying to blame my BIL for everything, even after I have already explained everything.

Yes, I do Chide up with some. They happen to be the ones who seem to be very understanding. The ones that seem to really understand and truly offer their advice. Those are the ones I appreciate so much.

It is annoying for people to slap my face and say, IT IS YOUR BIL fault, IT IS YOUR BIL fault. Oh no, no fault of the Nursing Facility staff at all. That's right. I've even mentioned how the Care Manager at the hospital stated "He had to be provoked" Still, hollering in the back, IT IS HIS FAULT.

Maybe you think I should just give up. That's all fine and dandy with me. But as for me, I refuse to give. Slap me and knock me down but I am getting back up because I am not a quitter.

Thank you,
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OMG just give it up already.

You have asked this same question at least 5 different ways and it’s always the same thing. You lash out at those who tell what you NEED to hear and chide up to those who tell what you WANT to hear.

This is just getting ridiculous now. Clearly no one here can answer a question to your satisfaction so maybe it’s time for you to move on and ask them elsewhere? I mean this has been going on since late 2016, you still don’t have the answers you want and the same problems happen repeatedly with your BIL.

Here’s an idea. ASK THE OMBUDSMAN.
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leelonnie1 I AM NOT ASKING YOU ALL WHAT IS GOING ON. THAT IS WHAT THE OMBUDSMAN IS FOR.

I JUST ASKED WHY DO THESE FACILITIES GET AWAY WITH WHAT THEY DO. THANK YOU
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So if you KNOW WHAT IS GOING ON, why are you asking US?
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leannonie1 Like I said earlier, many people do not have logical reasoning,

I get it … Your MIL resides in a good MC facility and no one is sitting there starring at the walls. That's fantastic. I wish I could say the same. The facilities I have been in the residents are sitting by starring at the walls, looking sad. Sitting in soaking wet urinated clothes.

I've watched CNA's so called feeding the ones that can't feed themselves, shoving food in their mouths, about to choke them, so they can hurry to something else. They may serve them 3 or 4 spoonfulls My dad had to go the NH during feeding time or his mom wouldn't gotten fed. I witnessed the staff disrespecting residents. Sadly, most of them are so vulnerable they have to just take it.

My BIL on the other hand, even though he has Alzh, he is very intelligent, he is not going to put up with someone disrespecting him just because they think they can.

I am not the only one who says my BIL is not the problem, the Ombudsman herself, admitted staff was being very disrespectful and not giving him his meds. She said my BIL is as sweet as he can be but he was like a Big Bear and that he is not going to take rudeness.

So if he is such a problem, why is my husband and I receiving phone call from the nurses every day telling us how BIL is so sweet and no problems?

My BIL would NEVER call an attorney asking for help to get him in the home with his dear brother. He knows his brother is intelligent as well, His brother is not going to fall for some dirty tactic from an attorney.

I already know what is REALLY going on.

The Ombudsman said the Admin agitated him with her nasty, demanding personality.

The Amin said the Nursing Rehabilitation had BIL on such a high dose of meds that it could kill a person,

I KNOW WHAT IS GOING ON.
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My mother lives in Memory Care & I'm here to tell you that NONE of the residents are 'sitting quietly by staring at walls.' Some of them are sleeping on the overstuffed chairs, but that's about as 'out of it' as they get. The rest of the time, they're socializing, playing games, eating, going out to the garden, exercising or watching a movie.

Since you've had this ongoing problem with your BIL for ages now, how can you say that "My BIL is NOT the problem." Having 'intelligence' has nothing to do with having a difficult or aggressive personality that is not conducive to group living. Many intelligent people also behave themselves erratically and pose problems for the staff and residents in the facilities where they live. Therefore, those people have to leave, for the safety and harmony of all of the residents. One person cannot be allowed to ruin the atmosphere for the entire group, as in the One Bad Apple analogy goes.

You are the only one who seems to think your BIL is not a problem. Meanwhile, all of these facilities are businesses and there to make money, either from the government or from private pay. At some point, you have to ask yourself WHY your BIL is being asked to leave one place after another? Insisting that he is not the problem isn't realistic, when you honestly think about it.

You post these questions here over and over again, in different ways, but with all the same exact content: BIL has been kicked out. BIL has been booted out to the hospital again. Etc. Etc.

What can WE possibly tell you except that there must be a situation with your BIL? My mother has been in Assisted Living since 2014 and there hasn't been an issue. In the MC where I was working, however, we had several gentlemen who were constantly creating issues, and they were asked to leave. Their families weren't happy about it, of course, and insisted they weren't a problem. But they were. If they weren't creating issues, the MC would have been more than happy to continue banking the many thousands of dollars these men were being charged each month to live there. In the end, it just wasn't worth it to the MC as there is sometimes a waiting list to get in. These men were more trouble than they were worth. And they were intelligent human beings, too. They were just hard to handle.

And lastly, if your BIL didn't call the attorney, who did? Being so intelligent, I'm sure he found a way to make a phone call to find help to get him out of the hospital and back into the house with your DH.

Good luck figuring out what's REALLY going on here.
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MargaretMcKen I have to beg the differ. My BIL is NOT the problem.

I know exactly what I have been witnessing with my own eyes and ears. From what I have observed, most residents in these Memory Care units a sitting quietly by staring at walls. They are very vulnerable.

The sad truth is, when these residents are mistreated or disrespected, they can't/do not know how to respond. My LO on the other hand, even though he has Alzh, he is extremely intelligent. Henceforth, he is just not going to accept being their doormat.

I'm just calling it like it is.
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Hailey, you don't have to be very smart to work out that every facility wants to get rid of him and the problem he is, and hopes that they can con you into picking up the load.
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Geaton777 I am sorry. I thought maybe someone on here may be smart enough to tell me the dirty work they up to.

Thank you
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mstrbill You are so right.
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Well you certainly don't have to go get him. I would relay the message back that you are unable to do that at this time. He's really in the hospital's hands at this point. They need to figure out the best way to take care of him from now on.
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haileybug, is there a question for the forum? Maybe this commentary is better to be located in the Discussions section?
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