I am VERY tired of people telling me I'm such a good daughter for caring for my mother. That I will be "rewarded" one day, in some... non existent magical way. There's NOTHING "rewarding" about watching the person you love most in this world, slowly rotting. Because that's what it is: she's not "fading away," peacefully. She's rotting. There's no dignity, nothing. There's definitely nothing good about any part of it. It's soul crushing, life destroying, mental and emotional torture. And I'm facing possible years more of it? Years more of way worse than it currently is, and I CANNOT stand it, anymore. I really can't.
Yes, we've been duped. Yes, we are all tired of how we are portrayed in media, or by the government, or by various and sundry who drop in to tell us that their last trip to Europe with their beloved spouse brought them joy and happiness before spouse lapsed into a coma and died. And it was worth every minute of the last ten years that they provided care for them with no help from family, after quitting their job, and getting ulcers, or maybe cancer.
Now I'm going to tell you what people insist on telling caregivers: get therapy. Or maybe "take care of yourself." (They don't say how, or at least how in any doable way when there's no one else to take care of the sick person while we run off to Hawaii for two weeks but have to return home early because dad is in the hospital - again.)
I'm so sorry for what you are going through, but you've come to the right place. We have been where you are. Look down and you'll see our weary footprints. Look at the face of your mom and you'll see the worst problem you've ever encountered, and we've seen that problem in our own loved ones' faces as well. Look up and you'll hear a million fervent prayers for help from a God that we are not sure exists anymore. Because God wouldn't give us more than we could handle. Right? The next person who tells me that, I'm going to smack them, though generally speaking, I'm totally anti-violence. Or was.
Speak out and speak loud. Change public perception of what family caregiving really is. Contact your government officials, the Veterans Administration, your church leadership, and oh, write articles (that will probably never be published by the AARP because they're promoting multigenerational living as a solution for families with aging members, and that's unsustainable for most).
Please tell us more of your story. Take heart from our helpful advice, which is meant to get you through this without losing your mind. Welcome to the Forum, AnthsGirl!
While keeping someONE at home and caring for them is a great idea sometimes it is not possible.
Now you are caring for TWO people. That can make it even more impossible.
You might need to do a little research to dee if you can't figure a way that will help all 3 of you.
First...are either (or both) your parents Veterans? If so the VA may be of help. They may be eligible for benefits and you may be able to get paid for caring for them.
Second.. Are one or both of them able to attend an Adult Day Program? If so that would get them out of the house and you would get a break. I can't tell you how great having a few hours each week where I did not have to worry about taking care of my Husband was. I could get things done knowing he was safe.
Third...Check with the Senior Service Center and see if either or both qualify for any programs/grants they may have. there are some that will cover caregivers for a few hours each week. And other programs that may help
Fourth...REALLY seriously think about hiring caregivers that will come in and help you. They can take care of mom and dad, do light housekeeping, meal prep as well as other personal needs for mom and dad.
Fifth....If either or both might be eligible for Hospice PLEASE call and ask for a consult. With Hospice you would get all the supplies and equipment that you would need. A Nurse once a week to check on them and order medical supplies. A CNA would come 2 times a week to give a bath or shower and order personal supplies. You would also have a Chaplain and a Social Worker on the Team. And you could request a Volunteer that could help, they can sit with them, do other tasks that can help you in a variety of ways. (and Hospice does not necessarily mean "6 months or fewer" as long as there is documented decline that meets Medicare guidelines a person can remain on Hospice)
Sixth....REALLY REALLY seriously think about placing mom and dad in a facility that will meet their care needs. this does not mean you have "failed", "given up" what it means is that their care is more than you, one person can manage at home. You have to consider your safety, their safety, your mental and physical health.