Therapy lesson today: The grieving process has started.


I learned quite a but today during my therapy session. Expecting that my grieving process would start AFTER daddy is gone, it appears that some of my challenges over the weekend may be related to starting it now.

It's interesting to even consider that I would grieve over a man that I struggle with even LIKING considering our history but having taken care of him (or cleaning up his messes) since I was six years old, the feelings of loss appear to be inevitable.

So, as I start to wrap my head around the facts that 1) He has a lung tumor that the doctors can really do nothing about and 2) He is dying (though a reality for ANY 85-year-old) 3) He's REALLY sick and 4) I face this battle alone (my family is worthless) I am at a crossroads.

The biggest question is: To tell or not to tell. Strangely enough, Dad was pretty religious. I personally can't stand the judgemental group of people ("holy rollers") he shared a pew with on Sunday mornings, but should I tell them "how to pray"? None of them have reached out to him, and his 85th birthday party was sans church folks, but should I???

The comforting news is that I have acknowledged and accepted that I am very angry at him but am making the choice to table that anger until after the end and continue to take care of him to the best of my ability (and leave my family out of it)

So, is it "mean" to simply invite the family to whatever service does happen, whenever it does happen when the time comes? They only seem to want to ridicule me and I'm too emotionally fragile for that now....

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Tinyblu, you don't even need to ask, there are people here that will be praying for you and your father. We don't even need to know his name!
Do what you are comfortable with in telling or not telling his church, because it is you who is going through this-it is okay for it to be private.
Have you considered having a pastor of Dad's choice visiting his home?
Typically, prayer chains are not private. Some pastors can keep things confidential. But the church ladies would feel greatly needed if you allowed them to bring a few meals. Sorry, but there is a downside to this lack of confidentiality.
So, you do what's right for you. And if Dad asks, then call the church, or any nearby church. (consistent with his beliefs).
Also, get support for you, any way you can.

Cwillie and others: Hope you will have a fantastic evening, with ice cream, or popcorn in front of the T.V. Love, from Send.

Cwillie, love your Avatar-the one day at a time rock. How heavy is this rock? How is your day going, carrying around the heavy burden of a rock? How many rocks like this do you have? Are there very many?

It reminds me, if we would just put our burdens down, we wouldn't have to carry them any more. Apologize for using your rock for an example that I have not followed myself. We have very tiny rocks on which we wrote 1) our doggy's name when she died; 2) Dogs in heaven? 3) Loved by us. But they are in the garden-we don't carry them.

If there were more than one day at a time, I just could not cope. Already, I am waiting for tomorrow, this day was over before I got started.

You can certainly tell them of his condition, as to whether or not they'd want to visit or he'd care would be up to you and him.
Prayers never hurt anyone, and if it's comforting to him, let it be.

Yes, the grieving process begins long before the person dies. I grieve daily, at some level, for the relationship my mother wouldn't/won't let me have with her. I will not miss her when she's gone, and I already grieve that.

I know you have a "hot mess" family situation, I do not know what to say about that. Can our father still make decisions? If so, let him decide what he wants. If not, I wish you luck. It could be so devastating---do you need more of that?

Glad for you you are getting some help.

When my brother got the news about his brain tumour I contacted the church and asked he be included in their "prayer chain". He had moved away and no longer attended church at all, but he had been baptized and confirmed there, and my father had been an elder and I made sure my mother rarely missed a Sunday service, so I figured the least they owed us were a few prayers. If your father is a believer he may take comfort from the knowledge he is in their prayers, even if they never offer anything else.

I can only tell you what we did when our daughter, age 32, entered Hospice care. We contacted ALL our relatives and said time is short. There would be no wake, she did not want one. Come see her NOW, cheer her up, share stories, have a good time, but do it soon.

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