Their future vs. our future.

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My in laws have all their siblings and their families in another state and they are begging my husband [their son] and I to move back so they can be "happy" towards the end of their lives. Never mind that it was her idea to move to Alaska and when we discussed making that move that they both would be buried in Alaska. "Yeah, I know" was her response. Never mind that the people we leased our apartment to in Utah didn't pay the rent for 3 months after the lease was over [it renewed month to month after the 12 month lease] and now we owe over $10,000. There is no one in Utah who will give us an apartment. We pay our bills, I promise. We're not ones to neglect something we owe but we didn't live in that apartment for 6 months when the lease was up. I don't want to live with anymore of my in laws because I've been through that already and I'd go homeless before putting myself through that again. My husband has found a wonderful job here in Alaska where we can plan for our future here. But his parents insist we move back, live with whoever, and find another job that's just as well paying and good as his job now. I take care of them full time and I get paid by the state for it but Utah doesn't have that kind of program so I'd have to find a FT job myself and no one will be able to be with them. I get so annoyed when she brings up moving back. She doesn't know how hard it'll be. She won't be the one to pack up everything. She now refuses to do physical therapy because she wants to move back and she's tired. If she's not at dialysis or eating, she's in bed sleeping. I feel justified in not wanting to move back because it's foolish...but sometimes a part of me feels like we should just so she can quit complaining about everything. I've been taking care of them since we got married. I don't like being pitied but I do want to plan my future with my husband after they're gone. Moving back for them changes everything for our future. All of their family in Utah say they'll help us out but when we go back for visits none of their siblings, except 2, come by unless it's the day we're leaving. Ugh. Am I selfish in thinking about our future?

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In my understanding, for both of your inlaws on dialysis, the blood levels of their Kidney Function, the BUN and CREATININE can and do affect their thinking when elevated, which would be right before each dialysis treatment. This confused or foggy thinking will reek havoc on the caregivers, as they are probably on dialysis 2-3 times per week. Clearly, they are in very poor physical shape, and if you re receiving money to care for them in a program put on by Alaska, then the most important thing for you to do is to Stay Put! They are in No Shape to travel! To move? Not even Possible! Just the rearranging of their health care needs would be enough to put them over the Top!

Your MIL is acting all sorts of irresponsible, and you should never play into it, and allow her to push your buttons on this. Tell them, there's the door, that no one is holding them hostage, and that you have only ever tried to help them. Tell her you can put her in touch with the county Social Services, and she can discuss any move she wishes to make with them, but you and your husband are staying, where he has a good job, and that you have made Alaska your permanent home, PERIOD!

We All want things we cannot have! You are very lucky to be in a position to even be able to help them, and to be paid (although I'm sure it's not a lot) as an Aide, to help care for them. THEY, are Very lucky you have stepped up to help, and even Agreed to take them to live in Alaska, which is what They Wanted in the first place, as I understand this.

My suggestion to you, is to call the Social Worker, on their case, you must have one, and ask her about placing them into a Nursing home, or Assisted living situation.

Being that Alaska is a well funded state, you may even be able to get them into a Waver Program, that will fund them to live in an Assisted living type apartment, or HUD funded programs for low income housing. There are programs out there, but there is a fair amount of research involved in finding them.

Call your counties LOCAL AREA ON AGING, in the Senior Services section, and connect with them. They Will send someone out to your home, to evaluate their situation and find you all sorts of help, especially if they qualify for SSI. At some point, you Will have to put your hands up and SURRENDER! Sooner is usually better than later, for all concerned, so they will be in a system that will help them.

It's time, time for you and your husband to live independently of his parents. You will, I'm sure, still be an integral part of their well being, as just because they move out of your home, will not (unfortunately) release you of all ties to their care, that and because you still care about them.

You are a good and kind person, to have done this so long and on your own, but it is beyond your scope of care, to manage Two, very sick people, and that doesn't even address any Mental Illness that goes along with this!

Good luck on finding them the appropriate care, and for you, on getting your Life Back!
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She would be busy going to activities in a nursing home and would be able to dwell on moving.

Has she been seen by a geriatric psychiatrist? Meds might improve her mood.
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Her "nonsense" sounds like she wants to be number 1 in her son's life. It doesn't work that way when your adult child is married and she must deal with that reality, like it or not.
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"Putting her in a nursing home will literally kill her and she'll hate my husband forever; she'd die of a broken heart."

Nonsense. She might be very displeased, but she won't die of it.
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Maren, purely to satisfy my curiosity - WHY did your MIL pick on Alaska? What reason did she give for wanting to move there?
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Her relatives call every now and then, including a sister who is fully able to work but calls and asks for money knowin full well she is on SSI. That is the kicker: her siblings begged us to move them back to Utah but they never come around when we go down there for a week of vacation. We go once a year to visit them in Utah [the trip alone of taking her and her husband is draining] and they never stop by unless we all have one big dinner and that is it. No one called on Christmas or New Year's so it doesn't make sense to us why she would want to move back. Her husband is her responsibility, true, if he wasn't sick himself. He had to get a triple bypass surgery back in 2011 that put him in a coma for a few weeks. He had to be retrained to do everything: walking, eating, etc. His memory is iffy and his cognitive thinking is out the door. He has had 3 strokes leaving the left side weak. He is also on dialysis and has everything else she has: diabetes, high blood pressure, high cholesterol, gout, etc. and he is on a catheter due to not being able to urinate after his surger to get his fistula inserted into his arm. They are both really sick.

I learned from my husband today that she brought up the subject of moving back to Utah again. When he brought up his job she said that his job was the only thing he cared about and he is money hungry blah blah blah. We're learning to tune it out but it sure does get my blood boiling. She only gets $800 in SSI a month. You think that takes care of everything she wants/needs?! NO. We make up for the rest.

I'm sorry, I think at this point I'm just venting. But thank you all. You have eased our minds and our conscience about moving back. We in no way feel guilty of keeping them here despite her own breakdowns. We just feel sorry for her. We wish she could find happiness here in Alaska, but it's like she wants to be miserable so we can feel guilty about keeping them here.
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Marin, my mthr did the same thing with the "if you dont do x ill kill myself" game. My therapist encouraged me to call her bluff. And to NOT do x purposefully and TELL her that i/we were NOT, to force her to back off or threaten suicide. (Do this on a friday during the day so you have extra weekend days). When she says, "Im going to go home and kill myself because you ....", you pick up the phone and call 911 for a suicidal threat. NEVER leave a suicidal person alone and untreated. When the EMTs arrive, tell them that shes been soeing sighns of mental instability and that she said she was going to go home to kill herself, and you believe her, and she needs observation and possibly medication. She will then either get the mental health care she needs ir she will never threaten suicide again. You cannot live in fear of her killing herself.
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I do understand the cultural responsibilities in many parts of the world to take care of elderly parents but your husband is not their biological son. You are his wife not their daughter.
You moved to AK to please them. Didn't work did it? Why would moving back to Utah be a solution to MIL's unhappiness? Not a chance is there?
MIL is only 61 and has a husband presumably about the same age. She is his responsibility.
MIL has health problems that are going to kill her sooner rather than later. She is receiving dialysis, not eating and sleeping most of the time. In my book those are sure signs that the end is fast approaching. What will happen to FIL once she dies? Is he as objectionable as she is? Can you continue to look after and care for him?
So she is threatening suicide, this unfortuantely has to be taken seriously even if only a manipulative threat. has she ever made an attempt to actually kill herself and does she have the means? Next time she threatens treat it as a real emergency and call 911 (she is a danger to herself and possibly others) and requires emergency psychiatric admission even if only a 72 hour order.
Moving someone this sick even if they were the nicest person in the world such a distance to an uncertain future is out of the question. You are right it would probably kill her but from physical illness not psychological reasons.
You could try the reasonable approach like "Once your kidney function tests return to normal we will think about it" of course if she is receiving dialysis you know they won't. She may not be actually mentally ill just a really nasty person. her behavior could be due in part at least to her electrolyte inbalence from the kidney failure. Ask hubby if she has always been like this, if not when did it start
Do any of her relatives make an attempt to keep in touch with her? Would they visit if invited? So how much woud they support her if you all moved back? i don't mean physical care they are all obviously not able to do that but would they even bother to phone or visit or welcome a visit from her if you took her?
You say there is not eldercare program similar to the one in AK in Utah so it would be stupid to give up that benefit You by the way are not responsible for their financial support even though you feel obligated..
As far as the rent owing on the apartment is concerned. Obviously there was some bad management on someones part to allow that to happen but if you return to Utah the landlord will try and collect and almost certainly has put it on your credit report so renting there will be a major problem. it would be much more difficult for him to travel to Alaska to collect and although it will continue to damage your credit the chances are he will just write off the loss.
Having said all that it is very clear that your decision is correct in not going back to Utah for many reasons and one you should not feel in any way guilty about because it is not in anyone's best interests. So stick to your guns and overtime she brings it up just tell her she is too ill to make such a move and walk away. no discussion needed even if she shouts and screams,She is the one with the problem not you. having some councillig sounds like a good idea as it will give you you more support.
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Maren, what made your MIL believe she wanted to move to Alaska? What, she was just sitting around musing one fine day in Utah and thought "wouldn't it be great if..."?

Hmm. I'm imagining myself as your MIL's GP. I look at the printout of her results there, and I ask her how she thinks she's doing. She proudly says "my son and daughter in law look after me." And I say "yup. How would you say that's working out for your health?"

Putting her in a good nursing home might literally save her. From her own whims and her own reluctance to attend to her own health, for example. She's in terrible shape and it's pretty obvious that you and your husband are utterly unable to prevail on her to do anything about it.

She's 61. She is responsible for her welfare. Not your husband, and definitely not you. Don't you feel just a little bit angry with her sometimes?
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She's 61 but VERY sick. Her family has history of heart problems despite her denial about it. She currently has/had breast cancer, gout, high blood pressure, high cholesterol, diabetes, kidney failure, neuropathy, blindness, etc the list seems to grow longer by the year. Putting her in a nursing home will literally kill her and she'll hate my husband forever; she'd die of a broken heart.

I'm currently looking into counseling, I think it's needed. I had another bad day today of just crying because it's SO hard. I seriously don't know how you all do it.
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