Mom (85) has Dementia and Alzheimer's and my 87 year old Dad is her primary caretaker. She has always been manipulative and in the past has attacked my Dad physically. A few years ago she was put in a mental health facility for 30 days as she went after my dad with an unloaded gun. My 63 year old alcoholic brother lives with them. He does pretty much nothing to help them except drive them to doctor appointments. I'm writing this because I have tried to get Mom and Dad help numerous times. Some fail miserably. I am the only daughter of four kids and the oldest at 64. I also have medical POA. Due to Covid, my parents have been homebound since March 2020. I do their grocery shopping for them using online delivery and go see them at least once every other week.
I reached the point this year in creating my boundaries. I cannot change them. They have their own very dysfunctional behaviors, including my brother. I have told Dad if he dies before Mom I cannot take care of her. And I know full well that if she goes into a nursing home she will not last long. If Mom goes first, I have encouraged Dad to sell and move closer to his other grown kids who live an hour away and let my brother figure out his own life. It has taken me years to get to this point. For those who use this forum for advice, you have to set boundaries, You did not make their life choices. They did. And at 64 I am aware that I need to make them for my kids now. It is painful to see my parents hurting and not able to live life to the fullest. But the choices they made years ago rule their decisions today. I know if things get bad, I will step in with my POA. I will do the best I can today to help them. I was able to get a home heath nurse there once a week and a physical therapist. My Mom rails at them and I pray they keep going, But if they decide to cancel it, truly there is nothing I can do. As for my brother, I let that go years ago. He lives in their spare bedroom and I don't really count on him for anything, I encourage children of aging parents to sit with a counselor and find your boundaries. You have every right to live your life. So glad this forum is here!
I would encourage you to look into memory care for your mother. Her care needs sound immense and your father may live a better, more peaceful life with her being cared for elsewhere. He’s quite old for such a responsibility.
I agree that your mom may truly benefit from being in MC where she will at least have more social interaction and get all the medical care she needs. Some places are extremely nice and well run, not the nasty NHs in your father's memory. Your father will also benefit from lessened stress. He will be more easily able downsize, if that's what he chooses. I have made the argument to my elders that they can and should make decisions for their future care now while they are part of the decision-making process and still in control rather than waiting for a crisis and then having no options or voice in the choices. Your loser brother won't like it, of course. The gravy train coming to an end won't make him cooperative or magically transform him into someone he's never been. Keep your eye open for the pretense of your dad's "independence". Usually what happens is that everyone starts orbiting around this romanticized notion, delaying the inevitable and exhausting family and finances as it spirals downward into unsustainable territory. This happens in the best of families and I hope it won't happen in yours. Again, thank you for your valuable testimony.
There is no way on earth to guess how long an otherwise healthy person suffering from dementia will survive in optimum care.
To this day I STILL maintain contact with some of the wonderful people who cared for my mother, 14 years after losing her. If you feel that her safety AND YOUR FATHER’S will benefit from placement, do it.
You are POA. Your mom sounds like she could be dangerous to herself or to other members of the household.
How do you "know" that if she goes into a "nursing home" she will not last long? And it does not sound like she needs a "nursing home" maybe Memory Care would be what she needs. A Nursing Home is for residents that need more medical assistance, this would also be called a Long Term Care Facility rather than a nursing home.
As for your dad, as long as he is decisional you can encourage him to move but you can not force him to move. He may feel some responsibility to your brother.