The visit

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Today is daughter's "is it ok to come see Dad today" day. She will be here soon, complete with two big rambunctious Aussies. I will have prepared lunch, done some quick touch ups -dusting, running the carpet sweeper, 5 loads of wash as all bedclothes were soiled, treated urine smells that persist no matter how hard I try, filled and then emptied the dishwasher, fed my LO, and ironed -all things, except for the lunch that I would be doing anyway, because it has to be done. Did I mention that my 923 sq ft home looks like a storage unit because we are moving soon? So add in some packing. So she bounces in here oozing cheer and dogs running amok, "oh can I take Dad to the store? We'll be right back? Ummmm fine, I'm thinking....could you maybe take him for a day? A whole day? Just Maybe? She is a healthcare worker who seems to know what is really going on but thinks that 3 hours of her time 2x a month or so is doing her part. I know I seem ungrateful, and I guess I am. But &$@?'!! I just wish she would HEAR me. Just hear me. I love that she comes. I love that it cheers her dad up. But the minute she leaves, he is asking who she was, and who I am. This morning our pup, who he adores and obsesses over -thinking I am planning to kidnap him, and with Sam sitting on the rug only three feet in front of him, asked - "do we have a dog? Yes, I said, he is sitting there. "No that's not my dog". And the day is barely half over. Soon they will return and we will sit down to lunch, then I will clean up the kitchen again.

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She, I know it doesn’t help to hear that you’re not alone, but you aren’t. My life mirrors yours except that my husband is clear of mind, just immobile and bedridden. I have two children with families of their own who, when it comes to helping with Dad, are worthless. I do what I can with the house, but when my newest grandson was born In August, my son told me he would not bring him to the house to meet his grandfather because, in so many words, out house is “toxic” and he doesn’t want his baby exposed. No help or respite is ever offered. Daughter knows who to text for babysitting, but not to ask how Dad is.

You and I need to unzip our mouths and ask for help. They have no idea what we need until we vocalize it. When Daughter breezes in (tell her sans doggies) tell her you’re leaving and will be back in the evening. Don’t ask and don’t give her a choice or time to flap and doodle about it. Just go. Let her make lunch and throw a load of sheets in. If she’s in healthcare, she should need no training.

Keep us posted. I’m using precious fuel at almost $4 a gallon to go to my daughters today and sit around her pool just to get away.
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It might be time for the nursing home. I work full time and have a young son and tried to give my stepmom care giver breaks one full weekend a month. She loved it but it did nothing to offset the 24/7 grind with only 2 breaks of two hours per week for running errands. She put off necessary health treatments etc. It took me yelling at her after I took care of dad for five days that she was killing herself and providing substandard care (he wouldn't take his meds right - he wouldn't eat right, etc). Fast forward three months and was thriving in the nursing home - round the clock care by rested, younger (step mom was in her 70's) people who work eight hour shifts and go home.

Good luck - I don't think your daughter can do enough at this point that it will matter. You seem exhausted and with all of the incontinence issues - time for more help than you can do at home.
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She1934....
BIG CYBER HUGGZ🤗
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I do understand that having a relatively neat home or a clutter-free home can be soothing, and when things get messy that can be psychologically distressing. But I don't quite see what that has to do with daughter's visits. Keep your house as neat or messy as you please. If Daughter happens to catch it at a time between cleanings, so what? In fact, running around doing extra cleanings is giving a false impression of how things are in your life. OK, maybe, for casual friends, but not really a good idea with family, in my opinion.

I made the treats for my grandson's wedding reception. A granddaughter and her friend were in charge of getting the treats and the serving dishes to the venue. They arrived at my house just as I was leaving to be in the family photo session. I stopped them at the door, asked them to raise their right hands, and to take this vow: "I hereby solemnly swear to not judge my dear grandmother's housekeeping by the state of her house today." They both laughed. "Oh Gramma! I've never seen your house messy!" "Then you are in for a first-time experience!"

I've been baking (and freezing) for weeks, and I've been dealing with some minor health issues. The house has gotten beyond even my high tolerance for clutter. My priority has been getting those treats done. I'm looking forward to restoring the house to order now. Take me as I am, dear family! And since we are talking wedding, take me for better and for worse! I assure you, I love you that way, too!

Your priority is taking care of your husband, I assume. And that includes giving him a reasonably orderly and clean house. But the state of your house for a daughter's visit does not have to be a priority, in my opinion.

I'm impressed that she asks if it is OK to come today. That may be her healthcare background, and her understanding of the ups and downs of illnesses. It is OK to say, "You know we love to have you, but tomorrow or Friday would be much better days do visit." She asks, and you can answer honestly.

It is also OK to say, "Dad loves your dogs, but he is beginning to be overstimulated by that much commotion. Could you come without them this time?" Or, "Let's all go out to lunch instead of the store." or "It is so nice of you to take Dad out. Sometimes the store is too stimulating for him. See what you think this time and I'll also let you know how he does afterward, and we can decide about next time." Or "We'd love to see you today, honey, but I need some time to myself. Could you possibly come Tuesday or Sunday instead, and stay with him most of the day? I'm going stir crazy here!"

For all I know, your daughter may prefer to leave the dogs home and she just brings them thinking it is a favor to Dad. There is a great value in open communication, I think.
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Pep see-I so appreciated your words and send you hugs and care as you try to navigate this awful journey. I began, as I re-read my posts, to realize that "of course!" A healthcare worker, especially one whose loved one -her dad, is not going to see things as I do. She deals with patients like this every day. She cannot conceive if her dad being like that and she is numb to it, and what she does see something that she is totally removed from at work. I need to put myself in that place too and be more understanding of her fears. But again, I am sorry for what you are going through. Nothing in this life prepares us for caring for a parent who is so ill. You just do the best you can. 🌻
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She, overlook the "snippy" answers. I chalk it up to personalities. We all mean well and some don't pussy foot around.

Where are you moving too? Another question, since ur husband in this far into his Alz/dementia why not a nursing home?

I agree with you about about a straighten up house. Neither am I a great housekeeper but I make my bed ( or my DH does). Feel it makes the room look better. My kitchen is seen right as you walk in the front door so I want it to look nice. Daughter has been living here since Sept. She cooks her meals and...leaves the mess saying she will clean up the mess. I end up doing it. I went around yesterday picked up her shoes and put in her room and all the little things and put them in a bag she had out. She is moving out in two weeks. Will miss her but it will be nice to have my house back.

Suggestion. To get those smells out of the room, use bowls of vinegar out of the way of hubby. Believe me it works. I used vinegar soaks on Moms clothes. Sometimes all night long.

We allow venting here so warn us that is what you are doing.
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You can call your Agency on Aging or your commission on aging, explain your situation and possibly get a caregiver to come in a couple times a week to "get away".

The thing about parents is sometimes they think they need to do more than what is expected. When my mom had knee surgery, she needed someone to care for her so I volunteered to stay but then she hired someone to come clean and do the commode and personal care. So I pretty much watched TV and cooked. I was kind of useless. Maybe she is thinking shes helping out. Maybe next time you could just ask her to pick up takeout for lunch.
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Virtual Assistant Receptionists are legitimate work from home and is a rapidly growing industry.
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Thank you for your honesty! I came to this site for just that. Some days I feel like you do now. Then some days I can't keep it together, and just keep crying like a friggin jerk.

Mom can't sit up any more. She has an episode of some sort, a TIA, stroke, flops over, making some gutteral moans. I just bought her a bed pan to pee in. And I don't even know what side goes under her butt.

All day I've been laying next to her holding her hand and crying.

Yeah, it's one of those days for me too. Sorry for blabbing. And you don't sound selfish at all! Just human.💖🌹
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Your pain and sense of being overwhelmed at what life has thrown you comes across loud and clear. I truly wish I had something to offer that would make it all better. I feel your sorrow and sense of loss and can only wish for you better days ahead, times of peace, and rest, knowing it’s not nearly enough
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